Misery

Here’s a story that struck me as one I needed to highlight to my audience. I know it’s not a dog story, but it’s good to broaden our horizons.

MOSCOW, October 31 (RIA Novosti) – A woman from Winona in Minnesota is accusing a work colleague, who was pet sitting her pig, of neglect after she allowed the pig to become obese, a local daily newspaper said Wednesday.

I don’t know what the problem is here, a pig becoming obese shouldn’t surprise anyone. It’s like a cat growing up to be a pain in the asteroid. It’s all part of the natural order of things.

Michelle Schmitz, 22, said she left the pot-bellied pig, Alaina Templeton, with a colleague in February while she was recovering from ankle surgery. Within nine months the pig’s weight tripled – from 50 pounds to 150 pounds. In addition, it had trouble breathing and “stunk real bad.”

Once again…where’s the surprise here. As long as the pig has a cpap machine for its sleep apnea there shouldn’t be much of a health risk. As for the smell…it’s all relative. And it gets worse. Read more

Reading Railroad Continues On

We continue to help the little kids around the country by listening to them read to us. I have a question, “Why do humans get books on tape but we’re forced to listen to kids read children’s books?”

LITITZ, Pa – Lititz kindergartner Mara Hessler is just learning how to read. Furry golden retriever Dixie doesn’t know how to read at all.

What do you mean Dixie can’t read? Retrievers are one of the smartest breeds out there. I should know, I have a bunch of retriever blood flowing through my veins…and look at me, not only can I read, but I can write as well.

I can only surmise that Dixie never had the opportunity to learn to read, forced instead to retrieve fuzzy, yellow balls at a young age. An age best served in school. It can be a cold, cruel world sometimes.

Tammy, a Shetland sheepdog looks a lot like Lassie, with long, flowing white, caramel and brown fur. She’s much smaller and has an intellectual glint in her eye, as if she really understands what Kissel Hill second-grader Riley Groff is reading to her.

That intellectual glint in the sheepdog’s eye? It’s saying, “Let today be the day the kid reads me some Tolstoy or Nietzsche.” Unless these authors wrote about seeing Spot run, I’m thinking Tammy will be out of luck. Again.

If I were to become a therapy dog, you know what kind I’d like to be? That’s right, an aroma therapy dog. The reasons are too numerous and obvious to mention here.

What You Gonna Do When They Come For You?

Finally a human with a brain … Not the writer of the question but the answerer…the famed Dog Lady.

Dear Dog Lady: Halloween is my favorite time of year.

Each year, I try putting him in a costume and taking him out in the neighborhood but he refuses to wear anything. He howled until I removed the ghost sheet. He hated the pirate’s hat. Last year, I bought an elaborate pumpkin ensemble. He nipped at me when I was zipping it on and barked non-stop until I took it off. How can I train Spooky to be more comfortable in costumes?

Mariellen, Chicago

Dear Mariellen: Even in the best of times, it is hard to coax Scottish terriers to do anything they don’t want to do. Wearing clothing of any sort must drive them mad. Dog Lady sympathizes with Spooky and with any dog forced to wear funny hats or garments for the sheer purpose of tickling the funny bone of humans.

The Dog Lady clearly knows her stuff. If it were me responding to the writer it would have gone something like this:

Dear Mariellen: You are not a very smart human. Please return Spooky from wherever you got him. You owe it to him.

Bo

If you have the ability to do something about this national tragedy please do so. Don’t let your decision to just sit back and watch the fun come back to haunt you. Let me remind you of a haunting poem:

First they came for the cat and put a helmet on her, and I did not speak out – because I was not a cat.

Then they came for my sister and put a fairy princess costume on her, and I did not speak out – because I was not a fairy.

Then they came for me and put a Pumpkin Monster costume on me – and there was no one left to speak for me.

In fact, no one spoke, they all just laughed…a lot…out loud.

Drop The Chalupa

In this day and age of sizzling headlines about celebrities, you come to this blog to get away from it all. Sorry to disappoint you my friends but I have uncovered a major story not being reported in the mainstream celebrity media. Here’s the juicy details…

…there is a bit of spice to the Taco Bell Chihuahua and it isn’t in the taco sauce. We all assumed that the little mascot was a manly man, after all he did demand a Taco Bell. In all honesty, the Taco Bell Chihuahua’s real name was Gidget.

Gidget? As in Miss Gidget Gonzalez? Corporate America has no shame.

…poor Gidget had to spend her tenure as the spokesperson for Taco Bell disguising her true gender.

What? The chihuahua I came to know and love for his crass attitude was a cross dressing pitch dog? The feeling I have now is the same one I had when I watched The Crying Game so many years ago. What does this say about our society? I don’t know either.

Makes one wonder whether Gidget could have done a better job than Robin Williams in Senora Dudafuego. Certainly she has less hair on her body.

Aldo Nova

I’ve heard of kidnapping humans in Colombia but didn’t realize it had progressed to the canine set.

BOGOTA (Reuters) – A kidnapped Colombian dog held for $350,000 (170,600 pound) ransom was recovered on Friday after his abductors dropped him off at a veterinarian’s office, saying he needed a bath.

Think about how badly this dog [Aldo de Fescal] must have smelled to force the abductors to drop him off at the vets. Yeah, pretty stinky!

If I were an advisor of the kidnappers, which I am not, I would recommend sprinkling a little Optima 365 on the captive’s food to keep the dog’s coat fresh and non-stinky. This product gets a big paws up from my sister Copper. It is highly effective on body odor. On her farting? Not so much.

To me it’s surprising Aldo even needed a bath. I mean, if you’re being held for $350,000 ransom, I’m thinking your poop doesn’t even stink.

Howloween Humiliation

This is the time of year I dread. Why? Because it’s Halloween time and that means my parents are going to dress me up in some ridiculous costume. In the past I’ve been Superman, Spiderman, Darth Vader, Pumpkin Monster, Reindeer and a ghost. I’m sure there are more but that’s all I can remember. It appears I’m not the only one who gets this treatment.

October 22, 2007) – A devil twirled around while her master held a lollipop in the air and a cheerleader shook her behind as she walked past the judges.

The pug costume judges, that is.

During the fourth annual Rochester Canine Playgroup’s Howl-o-Ween, dogs of all kinds and sizes participated in costume contests and other Halloween activities with their owners.

“It’s a very nice social atmosphere for the dogs and for us (dog owners) as well,” said Playgroup founder Tara Gamby.

A very nice social atmosphere for the humans. It’s a humiliating experience for canines.

The event was divided into three sessions Sunday – a pugs-only group, small dogs and big dogs.

May I suggest dividing the sessions into these three groupings: totally humiliated dogs, slightly disgraced dogs and dogs that play for the other side. See if you can determine which picture below belongs in which category (all dogs depicted below are males).

Tour De Neighborhood

I’ve never really enjoyed riding bikes, maybe it’s because my paws are too short and never reached the pedals, but humans love the sport. Well, the skinny ones, anyway. Now someone’s figured out a way that we can all enjoy a good, old-fashioned bike ride.

It seems dog owners are barking the praises of Glen Malmskog for coming up with a unique way for them to ride their bike and schlep their pooch at the same time.

The 49-year-old Mesa resident invented the Saki Seat, a dog seat for canines 40 pounds or lighter, to rest between the legs of any confident bicyclist.

I will say that it looks a lot more comfortable than a standard bike seat. This one doesn’t have a pole with a little pad at the end of it sticking up your butt.

So what caused Mr. Malmskog to create this innovative seat? Read more

The O.C.D.

What was that? Was that a treat in my father’s hand? Where is it? Where? Where? Is it in the left hand? Is it in the right? Where is it? I know it’s there. Look at the left hand, look at the right hand, smell it in the air…hmm where is it? Where? Where?

You’ve been there, transformed and fixated on something. For me it’s usually a treat, for others it’s their tail. Now researchers are looking at the underlying reasons for compulsive disorder in canines and other animals.

Dr. Nicholas Dodman and Dr. Alice Moon-Fanelli, both of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine, have been collecting data and DNA samples for years, and are now on the verge of discovering the genetic key to compulsive disorders in dogs.

What is the focus of the study you ask?

The Tufts researchers are primarily looking at flank sucking and blanket sucking in Doberman pinchers and compulsive tail chasing in bull terriers…

OK…a couple of observations here. First, Doberman’s are slow to grow out of puppyhood. So, not only will they suck on blankets but they will also suck their thumbs well into their teens. Nothing abnormal there. As for bull terriers chasing their tails; let’s be honest,they weren’t put on this earth to solve world peace. Sometimes a low IQ can explain a lot. Read more

Holland Days Sauce

As most of the regular readers here know, I always wanted to work in law enforcement. This article on two, green card carrying members of the University of Texas Police Department makes me more jealous than ever that I’m stuck patrolling the perimeter of my humble yard.

At the front lines of UT’s sometimes volatile crime scenes, two canines named Robby and Maatje trot, sniff for bombs and prepare to apprehend anyone who may pose a danger.

As recently as Monday, when a bomb threat was placed at the University Teaching Center, Robby was there, diligently smelling each and every classroom for one of 18 explosive odors he has been trained to seek. Robby, a 75-pound Belgian Malinois, found no bomb, and the building was eventually declared safe for classes to resume.

A little known fact that Maatje and Robby shared with me: the most dangerous bomb is the one his handler, Officer Jason Taylor, let’s loose in the patrol car.

Read more

Kong – Red, Rubbery and Filled With Goodness

Kong – every dog knows what it is. It’s the iPod for the canine set. But is it really all it’s cracked up to be? Well read this review and find out.

How did the greatest invention in canine treat history, The Kong, come about? Well, it begins with a German Sheppard named Fritz, his owner and a Volkswagen Van.

Fritz, a police dog, enjoyed chewing rocks to relieve the stress of the day. This activity wore Fritz’s teeth down, frustrating his owner Joe Markham as well as his dentist, Dr. Christian Szell.

One afternoon while working on his Volkswagen Van, Joe noticed Fritz dining on rocks once again. It had been a particularly harrowing day of capturing criminals and Fritz was taking it out on a tasty piece of basalt. Out of desperation, Joe began disassembling the van he was working on and threw parts near Fritz to see if he could be coaxed away from his destructive dinner.

Radiator hoses didn’t work – neither did anything else until he pulled off a suspension part and gave it to Fritz. The suspension part was covered with a rubbery, ribbed boot. Right away, Fritz was ecstatic. His encounter with the Michelin Man earlier in the day may have had something to do with the immediate attraction; regardless of the motivation the KONG was born!

Two things to take away from this story. The first, you don’t need to be bright to make money in this world, just lucky. The second, Volkswagen Van’s always break down. Get yourself a Porsche instead, preferably the Carrera GT.

Now that you know how the Kong came to be, how did I become to know the Kong?

Read more

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