Curbing Your Large Dog Enthusiasm

** This post is rated PG-2. If you are not at least 2 dog years old please refrain from reading this as there is some racy commentary. **

If you are a woman and want to find a good bed partner, check out the guy’s dog for clues.

“You want a guy that’s good in bed? Find a guy with a Shih Tzu or a Pomeranian or a little Yorkie,” Susie Essman tells Animal Fair magazine. “Because if he’s secure enough in his sexuality to carry around a fru-fru little dog like that, that is a guy who’s a keeper.”

I won’t comment on what this says about my father, the owner of two large breed dogs. Oddly, my mother won’t comment either.

The “Curb Your Enthusiasm ” star adds, “Never go out with a guy with a beagle. I know they’re cute, cute, cute, but they’re dumb, dumb, dumb, and they have no attention span, so you’re with the guy and he might not know what to do - the next night, you have to tell him all over again.”

Hmmm…I do have to be told over and over again not to pee in the house, but at least I’m not a beagle.

Miss Le Toe

When you see Miss Le Toe, take advantage of her. Click the play button to watch the video.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Iron Dog Magazine

I’m speechless.

I was cruising the net looking for some canine goodness when I found a picture of this whippet. The official name of the breed is bully whippet and it will kick your butt. I like names that have a ring of truth in them, it’s like truth in advertising. You think we’ll ever get to the point in our society when we can call cats … stupid cats?

So how many steroids you think this dog is on? The real answer is none. You see there is a genetic mutation that makes these dogs prone to muscle gain. Unfortunately the only genetic mutation I have makes me prone to narcolepsy.

Anyway, I think this guy kicked sand in my face once, stealing the cute border collie I was chatting up away from me. Stupid bully.

Let’s play a little game, shall we?

If I was a baseball player I would be named Barry.

If I was a governor I would be named Arnold.

If I was a talk show host I would be called Rosie.

If I was a super hero I would be called Hulk

But if I was a Christmas present, what would I be called?

Guantanamo Cleaners

News just released on the internets of a new form of torture being used on animals worldwide.

Although not covered by the Geneva Convention, one look at this disgusting video and you’ll have no doubt what the meaning of torture is. Go ahead, click on it, if only as a reminder of the brutality of our enemy.

 

 

If you don’t speak french, let me translate for you, “One minute inzide zee masheeen and zee animal wheel never beg again. Gare on teed!”

I urge all of you to write your Senators, Representatives, Councilman and owners to stop this heinous bathing now!

*Breaking News Alert* - If you see a Maytag repair man in your area, do not, I repeat do not approach him.

Reunited And It Feels So Good

I love a good heart-warming story but this one seems to have a few eye raising facts that make me wonder if there isn’t something more to this tale.

Jimmy Wetch, a former professional pool player, ran into the Super America in Fridley early Sunday morning. He admits he made a mistake. He left the keys in his car, and said two men stole his SUV with his 6-year-old Dachshund, Junior, in the backseat.

Eye raiser #1: Hmmm…a professional pool player. Maybe I’m pre-judging here, but maybe Wetch was in over his head with some pool sharks?

Earlier this week, Wetch offered a $1,000 reward to anyone who returned his beloved best friend, no questions asked.

Eye raiser #2: a Dachshund as a best friend? C’mon, I could see them as a good acquaintance maybe, but not as a best friend. If you’re looking for friends, get yourself a chow-retriever mix, like me. Just make sure to have plenty of treats on hand if you’re looking for a long term relationship.

At about the same time, a man named Ray heard some yelping behind an abandoned home two doors down from his girlfriend’s house on the north side of Minneapolis. Ray did not want us to identify him, saying he’s a modest man.

Eye raiser #3: Ray is a modest man…and maybe, just maybe, wanted by the law. Read more

Safety Clause

Did you ever notice that around the various holidays throughout the year, there are some folks who find the need to highlight all the dangerous things in the world as it relates to pets? Well, here’s another such article.

The Internet is full of holiday pet safety warnings - some real ones, some imagined ones. Here, in an attempt to separate the fact from the fiction, is a list of 10 things to watch out for.

All righty then. Let’s take them one by one and see how this list stacks up to the dangers this world has to offer.

1. Turkey is bad for dogs. Not true! Turkey bones are (they can splinter), and gorging on turkey fat can cause pancreatitis (take note, Uncle Fred), but turkey meat - despite the fretting on many internet forums - poses no danger to dogs.

I like the tone of this article early. Turkey is great for canines, especially me. I’d rather have the meat than the bones anyway so I’m not worried about splinters in my belly. As for pancreatitis, I don’t know what the big deal is, I love them stacked high with maple syrup on top.

2. Poinsettias can be toxic for pets. True!

I’m more of a white rose type of guy anyway.

3. Pine needles are toxic to pets. True and false.

Let’s be honest. Pine needles could be as toxic as my father’s underwear after a weekend with the boys, but they’d do no harm. There isn’t a pet in their right mind that’s eating pine needles voluntarily. Read more

Landscape Smart

Is your owner one of those that have family and vacation pictures lying all around the house, unsorted? What to do, what to do? How about letting us sort them out?

It seems dogs can place photographs into categories the same way humans do, an ability previously identified only in birds and primates.

Seriously, if a bird can do this, was there ever any doubt that a canine could?

Friederike Range at the University of Vienna, Austria, and colleagues trained dogs to distinguish photographs that depicted dogs from those that did not. “We know they can categorise ‘food’ or ‘enemies’ from experience,” says Range, “but this is the first time we’ve taught them an abstract concept - ‘a dog’ - and shown they can transfer this knowledge to a new situation.”

Nothing abstract about a dog. Know thyself.

In the training phase, four dogs were simultaneously shown photographs of a landscape and of a dog, and were rewarded if they selected the latter using a paw-operated computer touch-screen. When the computer-savvy dogs were shown unfamiliar landscape and dog photos they continued to identify those containing dogs.

Did they just call the subjects of this experiment computer savvy? C’mon, they have to use touch screens for crying out loud. You want computer savvy, look at me. I touch type 70 words a minute, I have a frequent buyer account at Newegg.com , and I had my IP address put on my dog tags. Now that’s computer savvy.

And when shown an unfamiliar dog superimposed on a landscape used in the training phase, they were still able to pick it out in preference to an image of just a landscape, showing that they could distinguish a dog by its features.

Sure these dogs can distinguish the difference between landscapes and canines, but can they tell the difference between a Van Gogh and a painting from a five-year-old kindergartner with access to a box of crayola crayons?

Anyway, you think picture sorting dogs are amazing, you should see what the scrap booking dogs can do!

Animal House

I always wanted to go to Princeton for my higher education needs but never had the grades to get in. That’s why I attended my safety school, the Sit Stay Fetch Training Academy instead. Reading this article makes me realize I made the right decision.

Aside from ubiquitous squirrels and Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel’s dog Skipper, the campus is home to a range of animals that secretly inhabit undergraduate dorms…housing most types of pets on campus is a violation of University policy…

So if I attended this beacon of higher education, it would have been as a commuter student only. I gotta say, that’s crap. Everyone knows you need to be on campus to be in on all the fun college life has to offer. Not being on campus, it would have been up to me to meet other students while in class just to create a bond. You know the type I’d meet too, they’d be more like Kent Dorfman than John Blutarsky.

…”only fish, in tanks that do not exceed 10 gallons, can be kept in the dormitories,” according to the 2007-08 undergraduate living guide - students who defy the rules described their animal pals as a time-consuming and odiferous, yet rewarding, part of their lives.

Animals are odiferous? Have you smelled a college student after an all night binge? Although the puke smells good at first, it loses its appeal after a while. Couple that with the urine smell on their pants and all of a sudden I don’t smell so bad anymore.

… the University slaps strict penalties on students discovered flouting its in-dorm animal policy. Violators are fined $25 and are ordered to get rid of their pet immediately, with continuous violations leading to heavier fines and the possible evictions of the offending students themselves.

Wow $25! That is strict.

In the end, I learned pretty fast that it’s not where you went to school, but who you know that gets you places in this world. All I need now is a quick meet and greet with Bill “Dog Chow” Purina and *woof* I’d be on my way to head taste tester at his company.

Holiday Gag

Finally, after searching for months I’ve finally found the ‘big’ Christmas present for my father this year. You know, the ‘big’ present is the one that’s opened last because it’s so special (or expensive).

If you’re [your owner, that is] the type that decides to get dressed for that special occasion before eating and then have to get changed due to the food not quite reaching the point of entry and instead creating a nice stain on your best top, then the Puke Pet is your savior.

Really?! “How does Puke Pet take on the role of savior to the eating challenged?” you ask.

Well, they’re little plastic pins shaped like a sick dog in the throws of a good upchuck. The pin is strategically placed next to the stain on a shirt or pair of pants, making it a work of art. No washing required.

Puke Pets are perfect for the slob of a man my father is. Everything he eats can be seen on his shirts. Although it drives my mother crazy, I like it. It allows me to pull his clothes out of the hamper and suck on the succulent parts.

Now, if I could only find a Puke Human to stick next to the pee spot on the rug. I can only hope that’s my ‘big’ present for this year.

Santa Paws Is Coming To Town

Sing along with me, “Here comes Santa Paws, here comes Santa Paws, right down Santa Paws Lane…”

Soon to be seen at a doggie mall in your area is the one and only Santa Claus. This time he’s dealing with the family pet.

Santa has a new troublemaker to contend with: the family pet.

Chickens, rodents, birds, cats, dogs - you name it - Santa’s being photographed with a lot of critters these days, and has the scratches, ripped suit and urine stains to prove it.

This is the first I’ve heard that the family pet includes rodents. I gotta ask…”Where does the writer of this article live?”

“I’ve been licked a lot,” said Harriet Farmer, 63, who’s posed with hundreds of pets over the past seven years as the Ottawa Humane Society’s volunteer Santa.

What? Santa Claus is really Harriet Farmer? I thought his name was Kris Kringle? But of course I kid, for we all know the truth. Just as most of you reading this, I was devastated when my parents told me that Santa Paws wasn’t real. My intent here is not to spoil all the young pups’ Christmas, so let’s continue on.

While dogs and cats make up most of Santa’s pet clientele, that’s not all that people are bringing in.

“My favourites have been the five baby ferrets,” Ms. Farmer said. “Oh, I had a rat with a Santa hat. He was lovely.”

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