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Santa Paws Is Coming To Town

December 3 | 3 Comments

santa dogSing along with me, “Here comes Santa Paws, here comes Santa Paws, right down Santa Paws Lane…”

Soon to be seen at a doggie mall in your area is the one and only Santa Claus. This time he’s dealing with the family pet.

Santa has a new troublemaker to contend with: the family pet.

Chickens, rodents, birds, cats, dogs – you name it – Santa’s being photographed with a lot of critters these days, and has the scratches, ripped suit and urine stains to prove it.

This is the first I’ve heard that the family pet includes rodents. I gotta ask…”Where does the writer of this article live?”

“I’ve been licked a lot,” said Harriet Farmer, 63, who’s posed with hundreds of pets over the past seven years as the Ottawa Humane Society’s volunteer Santa.

What? Santa Claus is really Harriet Farmer? I thought his name was Kris Kringle? But of course I kid, for we all know the truth. Just as most of you reading this, I was devastated when my parents told me that Santa Paws wasn’t real. My intent here is not to spoil all the young pups’ Christmas, so let’s continue on.

While dogs and cats make up most of Santa’s pet clientele, that’s not all that people are bringing in.

“My favourites have been the five baby ferrets,” Ms. Farmer said. “Oh, I had a rat with a Santa hat. He was lovely.”

Did Santa, aka Ms. Farmer, just say that his/her preference is for baby ferrets and freakin’ rats? Call me crazy but I’ve never seen a magazine titled Rat Fancy or a book about ferret friendly bed and breakfasts.

Anyway, the article goes on to provide some hints on getting a good picture with Santa and pet.

Pet and talk to the animals as much as possible so they don’t get bored.

…and don’t just make small talk about the weather. Make the discussion substantive…like talking about the pros and cons of moving back to the gold standard or what we should do about contaminated dog food coming from China or the best way to create a bunny rabbit shaped poo.

The high-pitched sound of a whistle or a squeaky toy just before the photo is taken will usually alert the animals

and cause them to prick up their ears and look attentive.

This is the type of advice that gets Santa bitten. Take it from a veteran, when someone blows a whistle in your ear the last thing you’re going to do is smile for the camera. Cheese…don’t just say it, give it…and you will see a pet smile a mile wide.

Dogs can sometimes be coaxed into posing with a treat such as a dog biscuit or treasured toy.

Bag the toy and make it a biscuit, or better yet some people food. Since we’re probably taking this picture at the mall, I’ll opt for the sweet and sour chicken that’s been sitting out for 5 hours from the chinese “restaurant”. Mmm…tastes like kitty.

Cats are often aloof and don’t respond as readily to bribery. To persuade cats to stay put for a shot, conceal a hot water bottle under a favourite blanket.

Better yet, conceal a .44 magnum under the blanket and threaten them with their life. They may be cold and aloof, but they’re not stupid. You’ll get the picture you’re looking for…unless the feline punk feels “lucky” that day.

Harassing pets to get a good picture does not work. They just become more agitated.

Not only is harassing a pet a bad idea, it could result in a restraining order. We wouldn’t want Santa arrested on Christmas Eve because he accidentally delivered a present to a home that had a restraining order out on him. Think of all the disappointed young pups on Christmas Day!

Here’s my advice…say no to pictures with Santa and yes to pictures with bikini clad poodles.

Comments

3 Responses to “Santa Paws Is Coming To Town”

  1. harleydog on December 3rd, 2007 11:53 am

    "ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!"  one of your best!  *burrrp*

  2. Nawla on December 10th, 2007 3:39 pm

    What do you mean Santa Paws isn't real? Who fills my stocking on Christmas Eve with pig ears? Bo, you must be mistaken.

  3. Barney on December 18th, 2007 10:25 pm

    Bo…outing Santa Paws isn't going to help fill your stocking. I'll remain tight muzzled, ask no questions and hopefully have a bag of goodies on Christmas day.

    Barney (pronounced barn hey)

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