Dear Abby

January 6 | 1 Comment

More rubbish from, and for, our owners. Check out this advice column for humans about their pets.

First the question:Don't Ask

Dear Dog Lady: I think one reason I like my dog so much is that he’s so uncomplicated and direct. If he’s hungry, he’s hungry. If he wants to go out, he wants to go out. If he sticks his nose in the face or butt of another dog we meet on the street, he does so without worrying about being polite.

He’s in your face because it’s the only way he knows how to be. Why can’t people be more like dogs?

That’s a question from Chuck in Chicago. He seems like a smart man, probably a member of Mensa. Indeed, why can’t people be more like dogs? This world would certainly be a better place. But that’s not what the Dog Lady had in mind. Here’s her response:

Dear Chuck: You decline to mention dogs’ lack of linguistic prowess. This inability to articulate feelings and thoughts shrouds dogs in secrecy — despite their “in your face” habits. They also lack irony. Imagine teasing your dog: “Go ahead, big boy, pee on the carpet. See if I care.”

Whoa Dog Lady, where are you getting your information from? Yeah as a canine I may not talk but I’m great on a keyboard. As for the irony thing, sometimes humans don’t get it either. Imagine teasing a human, “Go ahead, clay, drop the food on the carpet. See if I care.” I know my old man’s Dorito chips would be dropping from the sky like snowflakes during a Nor’easter.

I’ll give her one thing, my thoughts are born of secrecy, but only to bring excitement to life. For instance, just yesterday I decided I would break out of the backyard to go squirrel hunting. A little digging here, a little fence post gnawing there and I’m free. Spent a few hours chasing some squirrels, a rabbit and get this, Jimmy, the local armadillo. I couldn’t have done that if my parents knew my thoughts. If they did, what’s the point of living? Where’s the fun?

Her self righteous attitude in her response is what annoys me. Is she trying to tell me that she has no secrets? Check your closet, honey, I think you may find some things in there.

Finally, she goes on to say that , “Dogs do not understand subtleties.”

Well, I certainly understand the subtleties of canine discrimination when I see it. She calls herself the Dog Lady. The canine community calls her the Grand Wizard of the Biped Empire.


One Response to “Dear Abby”

  1. laroux on January 7th, 2008 10:34 am

    Bo you hit the nail on the head with this one. It seems to me the Dog Lady is a closet cat lover or something. She's certainly not a dog expert. I think you should take over the column.


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