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Nuts!

March 29 | 1 Comment

Is My Nose Too Big?I wish I had parents that looked out for my well being like this lucky guy from the land down under.

No one is going to call Cooktown bull-terrier cross Apollo a sissy.

The macho mutt is the proud owner of a set of silicone testicles that, after desexing, have allowed him to keep at least the appearance of his manhood.

My manhood was taken from me at a very young age as well, but no one has offered up a new set for me to sport around.

Apollo’s owner Sarah Martin parted with $270 to order the implants over the internet from the US.

And when the two-year-old was desexed, Cooktown visiting vet Rod Gilbert popped in the “Neuticals” ensuring the pup remains all-boy on the outside. Ms Martin insisted the solid silicone implants made little difference to Apollo.

I beg to differ. My self esteem went down the tubes after the procedure and it took years of counseling and bottles of prozac to get me back to the canine I am today.

“It was nothing to do with the dog, or if he’d miss them,” Ms Martin told The Cairns Post.

“I don’t think he knows the difference. It was just that I don’t like the look of it.”

There’s a woman who knows what she likes.

But Ms Martin said the replacement testicles were about half the size of his original, real ones.

Which disappointed her because this is a woman who really knows what she likes.

But Apollo, who loves to watch TV and cuddle with his 23-year-old owner, may be a trendsetter on his home patch.

Turns out he’s the only one in his area to have fake balls.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t get addicted to cosmetic surgery like getting liposuction, breast implants or heaven forbid a pug nose job.

Three Mile Morris

March 28 | 1 Comment

Here’s an interesting story that makes a statement about the times we live in. The following is a story told by a borderNukes Haven't Affected Me At All agent at a meeting of 200 San Juan Islanders. He was there to assure citizens that monitoring was taking place on domestic ferry runs. Sensing skepticism in the crowd he told the following story about the monitoring for nuclear dirty bombs on I-5 the feds had been performing.

“Vehicle goes by at 70 miles per hour,” [Joe] Giuliano told the crowd. “Agent is in the median, a good 80 feet away from the traffic. Signal went off and identified an isotope [in the passing car].”

Isotope is not a derogatory term used by the police to identify stupid perps. Nope, isotope’s identify nuclear material.

The agent raced after the car, pulling it over not far from the monitoring spot.

Giuliano and team were in a race against time as they questioned the driver and searched the car. Tens of thousands of people were at risk. Where was the nuke? Where was it?

It turns out, nowhere.

“Turned out to be a cat with cancer that had undergone a radiological treatment three days earlier,” Giuliano said.

That’s some amazing technology, but it doesn’t take away from the fact the cat should have been arrested and sent to Guantanamo. Why? Have you ever known a cat to not have a dirty bomb up its ass?

Headless Dog Found In Topless Bar

I’ve Lost My HeadI haven’t been happy with the sound my stereo has been putting out for quite some time now; plus it’s a bitch to turn on. The sound was as if I was listening to my old vinyl records…not the 33 LPs but my 78s…on Edison’s original phonograph.

I went online and did my research for a stereo that was easily switched on by a tail. Once found, all I needed was a set of speakers to reproduce highs well outside of human hearing range. Well lookie what I found.

This is functional kitsch; the wrong becomes the new right. By adding a function to an otherwise grotesque object, it acquires new aesthetic values, becoming an object of desire.Friends Listening Outside

Pun intended, this woofer holds the mids between an addition to your sound system and your loyal 4 footed companion.
It’s engineered by a professional audio studio, and sounds remarkably well, compared to your everyday speakersystem!

Only available in a co-axial two way speaker system version [two dogs].

Sure these babies would look better if they were headless cats, but then the demand would outstrip the supply and you’d have no chance of getting these for a mere $999. Grotesque maybe, but they sound oh so sweet.

Two big paws up – highly recommended.

Meow Meow Meow

March 26 | 1 Comment

Although the actors in this video are hideous (just look at their small bodies, long whiskers and rough tongues), it does provide a little bit of comedic relief even for the canine set.

Enjoy…

Conan The Peaceful Barbarian

This Conan Is No BarbarianWe all must find our own path. No, not just the one we walk down to pee and poop on, but the one to the big guy in the sky. To that end, I admire this little Chihuahua’s commitment to enlightenment.

The path to inner peace is long and arduous. But sitting on his hind legs, paws raised in reverence before the altar, this enlightened canine may just have discovered the key.

Against a backdrop of swirling incense and solemn chanting, the one-and-a-half-year-old, black-and-white Chihuahua cuts a cheerfully unlikely figure, as he loyally mimics his proud master during morning prayers at the Shuri Kannondo temple in southern Japan.

Of course the chihuahua is mimicking his master. How else to get at the chalupa under his master’s robe?

Conan, originally a temple pet, rises without prompting before his morning and evening meals to go through his prayer routine at the temple in Naha, capital of Okinawa. When his master chants his prayers, known as “sutras”, Conan raises his paws and joins them at the tip of his nose.

When asked the secret of the dog’s devotion, Yoshikuni reveals: “Clasping hands is a basic action of Buddhist prayer to show appreciation. He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks.”

Of course he’s thankful. The Buddhist big guy is truly that…a big, chubby guy. Conan knows Bhudda has treats all over the place and readily available to be eaten; chicken in his begging bowl, ice cream in his singing bowl, and cookie crumbs on his chest. I guarantee you that’s why he’s appreciative.

Well that and the fact that he’s not chanting Halla Ahkbar with a bomb strapped to his back.

However, it may be a step too far to credit the spiritual canine with genuine religious sensibilities. “Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate,” he says, adding: “It’s not like we can make him cross his legs.”

Unless, that is, they short change him on his bathroom breaks.

A Stiff Drink

March 24 | 2 Comments

With Babes Like This, Who Needs Viagra?The following story sounds a little fishy to me. Is he on the drug to help his heart or his self confidence? You be the judge…

Talisker, a border collie, was living on borrowed time after vets found his heart had become dangerously enlarged.

The dog, three, from Yardley Hastings, Northamptonshire, passes out when he gets excited because his blood cannot pump quickly enough around his body.

But, since taking Viagra , the blood flow to Talisker’s heart has improved, according to owner Lesley Strong, 58.

I understand the worry about the heart becoming dangerously enlarged, but apparently it’s not a worry if other parts of his body do so as well.

Vets advised Ms Strong to give Viagra to the dog after they found he was suffering from a potentially lethal heart condition.

It causes great hilarity at the chemist’s when I pick up the prescriptions”, Strong, a former pub landlady, said: “We were very surprised when we were recommended Viagra.”

She added, “Fortunately I already had a stash of the blue pill for Talisker’s father because, you know, he has an enlarged heart too.” Read more

Spring Break

Woof Welcome WoofIt’s time for Spring Break and for me to sow my wild oats. But where to go, where to go? Why not to one of the top 20 most fun and exciting places to stay according to the London Times? Why not indeed.

Dog Bark Park Inn is a bed & breakfast guesthouse inside the World’s Biggest Beagle. Guests enter the body of the beagle from a private 2nd story deck. Some of the dog’s decorative furnishings are carvings by Dog Bark Park chainsaw artists Dennis & Frances. Inside and up another level to the head of the dog is a loft room with additional sleeping space plus a cozy alcove in the muzzle.

Ahh a cozy alcove in the muzzle…that’s where I hide acorns from my parents. Apparently other dogs use it to pamper humans.

Dog Bark Park is home to Toby and Sweet Willy, the World’s Two Biggest Beagles. Toby, a 12-foot tall beagle statue, was built by Dog Bark Park artists Dennis Sullivan and Frances Conklin.

Sweet Willy, officially known as Dog Bark Park Inn, is one of America’s latest additions to the type of roadside architecture popular in the early days of automobile vacation travel when travelers would often buy gas, eat meals or stay overnight in a building that looked like something else.

I believe that’s the same automobile vacation travel era that produced the Bates’ Motel. Yeah you can check in but you’ll never leave.

With the two big dogs signaling your arrival to Dog Bark Park, visitors may walk the grounds, browse the gift shop and artists’ studio featuring the whimsical chainsaw artwork of husband/wife artists Dennis and Frances.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want any 12 foot dogs signaling anything unless a flash flood warning has been given to those down stream.

Hmmm, maybe it’s best if I just stay home and sleep instead.

Hair Of The Dog

Is that a milkbone in my sweater?What keeps us close to those that have passed through our lives and on to a better world? For most it’s the memories, or maybe a keepsake or picture but for couples like the Willis’ it’s something completely different.

Their beloved dogs may have gone to the great kennel in the sky, but for Beth and Brian Willis they will always be close. Because the couple have had his and hers jumpers knitted out of the hair moulted by the pedigree pets and spun into yarn.

That’s appalling! Nobody wears his and her jumpers anymore.

The idea to use the hair, which would otherwise have been vacuumed up and thrown out with the rubbish, came after dog breeders told the couple of the unusual use it could have.

Mrs Willis said: “It is not actually a hair but a wool, which is why it is so good for clothes.

The local sheep were ecstatic to hear the news, especially the ones with hippie tendencies (pssst…they like their hair long).

That first jumper was made in 1990, while Kara [her white Samoyed] was still alive. Although she died 12 years ago, the jumper made from her hair is still going strong. Read more

Pretty In Pink

Pinky TuscaderoWhat do these things have in common? Pinky Tuscedaro, the smallest appendage on your hand, and the woman that wants to get the party started. They all love pink…and so does the owner of Cici…but at least it’s for a good reason.

A Boulder salon owner is facing a $1,000 fine for dyeing her miniature poodle pink — and the woman said she plans to fight back.

Cici is a “breast-cancer awareness dog” who’s been showing off her pink coat for three years at Zing Salon , 1100 Spruce St., said Joy Douglas, who owns both the salon and the poodle.

“Cici is being stripped of her civic duty,” said Douglas, who is scheduled to face a judge in Boulder Municipal Court this morning in response to a March 1 citation. “And I don’t plan to take it sitting down.”

Apparently she doesn’t understand the city’s ‘sit’ command.

Officials at the Humane Society of Boulder Valley said Douglas was warned several times before an animal-control officer issued her the ticket for violating Section 6-1-14 ofBoulder’s city code, titled “Dyeing fowl and rabbits prohibited.”

I guess they only want healthy fowl…and if truth be told there are plenty of reasons rabbits are prohibited.

Douglas said she didn’t break that law, because she uses beet juice — and occasionally Kool-Aid — to “stain” Cici’s coat. She said she never has used chemicals, and her pooch never has had a reaction to the stain.

Dwight Schrute , co-owner of Schrute’s Beet Farm backs Ms. Douglas in this case, “Mose and I appreciate the business Zing Salon gives us. Our beets are harmless, as long as they are prepared in the correct way. The natural enemies of the beet are the cutworm and the aphid. They are horrible. They eat and infest beets. They are of Satan. Also of Satan are the people attacking poor Ms. Douglas.”

Boulder’s animal control officials said the regulation originally was passed to keep people from dyeing chicks and bunnies around Easter.
Despite Douglas’ assertions that she doesn’t use chemicals, [Lisa] Pedersen said officers must enforce the no-dye rule.”Regardless of what she used on the dog, the ordinance is in place and we are commissioned by the city to enforce those ordinances,” Pedersen said. “We are just doing our job.”

You know Ms. Pedersen, the german shepherds at Auschwitz were also just doing their job.

Three years ago, Douglas said, she bought Cici off an animal-adoption Web site frequented by celebrities. Cici was pegged for the purpose of promoting breast-cancer research.

I’m more of a leg dog than a breast one, but I still wish Douglas and Cici the best of luck.

Queen of Sheba

LShakespeare Bores Meooks like there’s another genius dog out there, although this one isn’t as proficient in the written word as I am. But hey, who is?

(KUSA-TV) – Sheba can tell you there are three sides to a triangle. She can tell you the square root of 36 is 6. And she can tell you how many colors are on a stop light. If you not impressed yet, consider this. Sheba is a dog.

Bob Whissen is convinced his dog is smarter than your dog.

“I don’t think there’s an animal on this earth which can rival her intelligence,” he boasted.

He may be right.

No, he’s wrong. Don’t believe me? Just try searching for Sheba’s blog. You won’t find it, because she can’t write. That said, I will give her kudos for being able to answer some of the following questions correctly.

Can you tell us right now how many sides there are on a stop sign? Sheba can.

Can you tell us how many engines there are on a P-38? Sheba can.

Do you know where Matt Lauer was Wednesday morning? Sheba does. Read more

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