Perpetual Motion Machine

Cool device for those younger than 106. Another machine that will allow your owner to get fatter than ever…

 

 

 

 

 

High Anxiety

I’ve been feeling somewhat anxious lately and decided to do a little research to help alleviate my stress. I was extremely happy when I ran across this article titled “Got Stress? Pet Consultant Dogs Do.” Imagine my disappointment when I realized the talk was given to allow a dog park to be built near a little league baseball field in Maine and not just to focus on canine well being. But still, there are some interesting tidbits for you to ponder.

BELFAST, Maine – Just like their human owners, dogs suffer from stress.

“The big reason for stress in dogs is our inability to understand what they are saying,” Don Hanson told about 50 pet owners gathered at the Abbott Room of the Belfast Free Library on Saturday.

As I like to say to my father, “What part of woof! don’t you understand?” Apparently, all of it.

Hanson, a dog behavior consultant, pet trainer and owner of Green Acres Kennel Shop in Bangor, was invited to discuss dog behavior by the dog park subcommittee of the Friends of Belfast Parks.

Hanson told the dog lovers that close observation is required to detect signs of stress in their pets.

Identifying behavioral signals given by dogs during group play could have a role in the success of the dog park.

A few behavioral signals and their meaning:

Lifting of back leg while tilting forward – “If you don’t get out of the way, you will be my property”

Laying with belly exposed – “Good touch, no bad touch”

Flashing teeth – “Check out how well my Crest Whitestrips are working”

Direct eye contact while growling – “Are you available for dinner?”

Sitting while pawing the air – “I’d like a taste of your ice cream cone”

A pug with a gun – “Your candy or your life”

Construction of the park is on hold while committee members and the Belfast Little League iron out some problems. The fenced park will be built next to the baseball field, and league organizers are concerned about safety and smells.

I understand the concern, boys can be rather smelly.

Committee member Carol Good said that the group has raised $39,000 for the park and that the fence and other materials had already been purchased. Good thanked those who supported the project and said additional funds were needed to complete the first phase of construction.

Hanson said the biggest problem when dogs are stressed is aggression. He said some dogs can cope with stress well while others handle it poorly. He said pet owners had to learn how to recognize the “calming signals” dogs revert to when they are stressed out and owners should attempt to remove the dog from that particular situation.

Who doesn’t get stressed out after going 0 for 4 with 3 strikeouts? The only way I get over an outing like that is a stop by the local Bruster’s for a hot fudge sundae. Without the hot fudge…because that can kill me.

“Your dog has a part of the brain for rational thought and learning. When your dog is really stressed, the operating system for learning is turned off,” he said. “Stress can become chronic, and when it becomes chronic, it becomes an issue.”

Excessive sniffing, yawning, averting its eyes, licking its nose, squinting and scratching are among the most easily recognized calming signals, he said.

Based upon the amount of time I lick my privates, I must be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Humans are really ignorant of the needs and ways of communicating with dogs. We expect a dog to come into our house and understand English,” Hanson said.

C’mon, humans should know by now that we only speak Latin.

Astro’s Great Grandfather

I’ve recently written on doggie robotics here and now I have this video to share with you. Correct me if my first impression of this, ahh dog, is wrong but doesn’t it look like it belongs in a horror flick?

It’s called Big Dog but I think Big Mosquito is more appropriate. Take a gander…

 

 

 

 

Sure it will protect you, but how comfortable is it to snuggle with?

Here’s his younger brother who I’ll dub Beetle Bailey… Read more

Cat Scratch Fever

You never see this type of thing happening when a dog is in a car.

Modesto police are blaming a scratching cat for an accident that toppled a power pole and shut down a street for nearly an hour. A police sergeant said Friday that a woman was driving with a cat in her lap. The animal scratched her, and she drove into the pole.

Let me highlight a couple of differences between dogs and cats.

One…dogs don’t scratch; we bite, but never the hand that feeds us.

Two…poles are meant to be measuring sticks of a dog’s place in society, not as a thing to ram your car into.

Three…any self respecting dog will not sit in their owner’s lap while in a vehicle.

In fact, all we want to do is for our owners to open up the window so we can stick our heads out. Ain’t nothing better than having my jowls flap in the wind, although I will admit that scraping the bugs off my teeth sucks. Oh, don’t forget to wear eye protection, especially if you favor sight over smell.

Canine MENSA

Why are our owners so obsessed with finding out how intelligent we are? All they need to know is that we got it going on upstairs. How else to explain us living in their homes, eating their food and having them pick up our feces? And all of that without us paying them a dime.

In the interest of giving my parents some bragging rights, I decided to take this Canine IQ test. Let’s go question by question and see how I fared.

Test 1: Food under can

This is a test of your dog’s problem solving ability.
How to do the test

1. First sit the dog, if it won’t stay you’ll need someone to hold the dog by the collar.
2. Show the dog the tidbit of food and let it sniff it.
3. With the dog’s full attention, slowly place the tidbit on the ground about two meters away and place the can over the tidbit.
4. Start timing and encourage the dog to get the food.

Scoring: If the dog knocks the can over and gets the tidbit in 5 seconds or less 5 points; 5 to 15 seconds 4 points;15 to 30 seconds 3 points; 30 to 60 seconds 2 points; [over 60 seconds and it's still looking for the treat? Then we'll give the dog a point for being able to breath on its own]

No need for a stop watch on this one. I’ll sit and wait until my owner picks up the can and gives me the treat underneath it. No energy exerted, maximum treat scored = genius but the scoring on this test will give me:

+0 points for being lazy

Test 2: Dog under towel

This is another measure of your dog’s problem solving ability.
How to do the test

1. Your dog should be awake and reasonably active
2. Let the dog sniff the towel Read more

Taxi

I admit it, I’m a TV junkie. When I saw this bed on sale at PawPalaceOnline, it brought me back to a time I used to sit and watch reruns of Taxi. My mother had a huge crush on Tony Danza. To this day I hear my father saying, “Who’s the boss?” when they’re behind closed doors. So I guess I’m not the only one with fond memories of this sitcom.

One of my favorite characters, of the human variety, was Louis DePalma. His no nonsense style is how I would handle myself if I were human. Now I can relive those days by buying a fleet of these plush beds. I can make believe I’m Alex Rieger or Tony Banta or even Jim Ignatowski. As a bonus, if I ever accidentally pee or poop in one, I’ll just have Latka come and clean it up for me.

Pills Barry

Here’s another reason why dogs are better than cats. Just look at how difficult it is to medicate the felines.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

If you dropped off your owner at spring break, would you have difficulty picking him out when he returned? Of course not. So how can an owner not know his own canine when he returns from a week of fried seafood and fried skin? I don’t know but here’s the story.

LAKE OSWEGO, Ore. – Ken Griggs likes his new dog, but he preferred the old one. Then again, it might be the same dog. In a possible case of mistaken identity, Griggs said the black Labrador named Callie that he left at a Dundee kennel before spring break was not the same dog he picked up a week later.

“It’s a sweet dog,” Griggs said of the impostor living at his Lake Oswego house. “It’s tough because now we’ve had the dog for 10-plus days, and the kids, especially the younger ones, start to get attached to the dog. I like it, but I want mine.”

He suspects it’s an imposter but doesn’t know for sure. Maybe Callie just had an attitude change brought on by being abandoned at a kennel with 40 other dogs, or maybe her body was taken over by alien pods?

Allison Best, owner of the Tail Wag-Inn boarding kennel, said Griggs has the right dog.

Griggs said he immediately noticed differences in the dog he picked up from the kennel. The family cat – normally friends with Callie – hissed at the dog. Callie would heel; this dog did not.

Of course Callie refused to heel, she was now a hardened canine. Off the record she let her true feelings be known. Read more

Max Alert

Here’s a story showing your owner’s hard earned tax dollars at work.

NORTH ARLINGTON, N.J. – Mayor Peter Massa put out a citywide cat call when his Maine Coon disappeared. Massa had an automatic call sent to 8,500 voters on Wednesday asking for help finding Max.

So we are clear, the mayor used city resources to find his cat. Strike that. To find his chubby cat. Is that the best use of funds? Maybe I shouldn’t be so tough on cats. We all deserve a little love, even if you play for the other side.

This does make me wonder what the announcement said. I imagine it was somewhere along these lines:

“Hi. This is Mayor Massa. A disaster of biblical proportions looms over our city. How can you help? By finding my cat. His name is Max and he’s fat. If you have seen him, let me know. Oh, don’t forget to vote for me in November.”

Turns out he didn’t have to look that far. Massa’s wife, Val, says 14-year-old Max was found inside a wall of their house Thursday morning. He had been missing since Tuesday.

Hmmm…outwitted by a cat. That doesn’t speak well for the Massas.

Val Massa says she doesn’t know how the 20-pound cat got in the 5-inch hole under the stairs.

What kind of mayor has a hole under his stairway? If he had any self respect he’d get the city maintenance dept to send over a few workers and have it fixed already.

The Massas had also offered a $500 reward.

Probably city funded. That’s enough to buy half an ounce of gold or enough money to fill up your empty gas tank.

Tub of Cat Goo

And I thought my sister Moose had a weight problem…Check out this tub of goo weighing in at 35lbs.

What’s this thing eating, 20 oz steaks with extra helpings of mashed potatoes? Oh, it’s an Italian cat, you say. Hmmm…then it must be all that late night pizza and pasta that’s packing on the pounds. Damn carbs.

Do you think he asks his owner, “Does this cat suit make me look fat?”

Regardless, just check out the expression on the poor guy. If that’s not the look of a food enduced coma I don’t know what is.

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