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Check MateWhy are our owners so obsessed with finding out how intelligent we are? All they need to know is that we got it going on upstairs. How else to explain us living in their homes, eating their food and having them pick up our feces? And all of that without us paying them a dime.

In the interest of giving my parents some bragging rights, I decided to take this Canine IQ test. Let’s go question by question and see how I fared.

Test 1: Food under can

This is a test of your dog’s problem solving ability.
How to do the test

1. First sit the dog, if it won’t stay you’ll need someone to hold the dog by the collar.
2. Show the dog the tidbit of food and let it sniff it.
3. With the dog’s full attention, slowly place the tidbit on the ground about two meters away and place the can over the tidbit.
4. Start timing and encourage the dog to get the food.

Scoring: If the dog knocks the can over and gets the tidbit in 5 seconds or less 5 points; 5 to 15 seconds 4 points;15 to 30 seconds 3 points; 30 to 60 seconds 2 points; [over 60 seconds and it's still looking for the treat? Then we'll give the dog a point for being able to breath on its own]

No need for a stop watch on this one. I’ll sit and wait until my owner picks up the can and gives me the treat underneath it. No energy exerted, maximum treat scored = genius but the scoring on this test will give me:

+0 points for being lazy

Test 2: Dog under towel

This is another measure of your dog’s problem solving ability.
How to do the test

1. Your dog should be awake and reasonably active
2. Let the dog sniff the towel
3. With a quick smooth motion throw the towel over the dogs head so its head and shoulders are completely covered (you may want to practice this without the dog first). Start timing and watch silently.

Scoring: If the dog frees itself in 5 seconds or less 5 points; 5 to 15 seconds 4 points;15 to 30 seconds 3 points; 30 to 60 seconds 2 points

I think the test results on this one are hinged on ‘your dog should be…reasonably active’. At my age, if someone throws a towel on me it’s because I’ve wet myself not because my teacher sprung a surprise quiz on me. I’ll gracefully bow out of this question. That way I don’t have to worry about someone throwing a towel at me and ‘turning out the lights’ as I’m walking toward a stairwell. Canine IQ score for this question:

+0 points for being safety conscious

Test 3: Can your dog recognize a smile?

This is a test of social learning.

How to do the test

1. Pick a time your dog is sitting about 2 meters away from you
2. The dog must not have been told to stay or sit
3. Stare intently into your dogs face, when your dog looks at you, count silently to 3 and then smile broadly

Scoring: If your dog comes with tail waging 5 points; If your dog comes slowly or only part of the way with no tail waging 4 points; If your dog stands or rises to a sitting position but does not move toward you 3 points; If your dog moves away from you 2 points; If your dog pays no attention 1 point

Why should I start wagging my tail if I see my owner smile? The only reason I can think of is if he’s got spinach or pesto between his teeth that he’s going to let me pick clean.

A more appropriate test would be to see if, after a dog farts, his owner’s facial expression changes. If Rover wags his tail in less than 10 seconds, not only is he capable of social learning but he’s also the proud owner/operator of a highly efficient fart power plant. Resulting Canine IQ score:

+0 points for being emotionless

Test 4: Retrieving from under a barrier

This is a test of your dog’s problem solving and manipulation ability.
How to do the test

1. Make sure your dog is watching you from nearby
2. Show your dog the tidbit of food and let it sniff it
3. With the dogs full attention, slowly place the tidbit just far enough under the table that the dog can use its paws to retrieve it
4. Start timing and encourage your dog to get the food

Scoring: If your dog uses its paws to retrieve the food in 60 seconds or less 5 points; If your dog uses its paws to retrieve the food in 1 to 3 minutes 4 points; If your dog uses its muzzle only and fails to get the food or if it uses its paws and hasn’t retrieved the food after 3 minutes 3 points; If your dog doesn’t use its paws, simply sniffs and gives one or 2 points wo tries with its muzzle; If your dog has made no attempt to retrieve the bait after 3 minutes 1 point

Why would I want to lift a couch, table or any other object to get a treat when I can just stare my mother in the eyes and will her to give me bologna? Manipulation, yes, but not how this test wants to see it. Regardless, I’m on the scoreboard:

+1 point for being spoiled rotten

Test 5:This is a test of language comprehension

How to do the test1. Your dog should be settled comfortably around two meters in front of you
2. In the voice tone you use to call your dog call “refrigerator”

Scoring: If the dog shows response to come 3 points; If the dog does not come, call “movies” in the same tone. If the dog comes 2 points; If the dog still has not responded call its name. If the dog comes or shows any tendency to move to you 5 points; If the dog has not moved, call its name a second time. If the dog comes 4 points;If the dog still doesn’t come 1 point

When I hear the word ‘refrigerator’ I always respond with, “Could you bring me the tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream?” If the answer is yes, I’ll move to an upright sitting position. If the answer is no, I’ll continue to lay flat like a bear rug. Canine IQ points scored:

+1 point for waiting to be served

So let’s tally that up…nuthin, nuthin, nuthin, woof, woof = 2 woofs. Impressive. Most impressive.

Let me look at the scoring chart to see where that places me…Oops, it appears our reporter forgot to include it. Nice move genius!

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