Murphy’s Law

Calorie counterDear Bo,

My parents think they feed me a lot but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, Murphy treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.

I am in great shape but I am 27 years old and in the prime of my life and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day, they try to hide it but I know.

So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?

Your friend,


PS: Have you seen the Bud Light commercial where the dog can talk to his Dad and keeps asking for sausages but does not get any? That’s how I feel, that guy should really give that poor dog the sausages.

Dear Murphy,

I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southeast, you’re missing out.  You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity. Take for instance the local Golden Corral. You know, it’s a chain restaurant with an all you can eat buffet. A guy died of salmonella poisoning at our local establishment, but two days later there was a line out the door. The people weren’t waiting in line to pay their respects to the dead man. No, they were waiting in line for a table.

But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.

As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is not Abby Normal at all.  That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.

So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff your not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.

However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.

As for regular food, that’s fair game.  If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,


P.S. I have seen the sausage commercial and find it mean spirited. I have written a letter stating the same to Budweiser. I await their response.


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