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Free to a Good Home – Warrior Kitten

You know you want meNever say that I don’t look to do my part. An old lady needs help to cross the street, I’ll strap her on my back and carry her across. A family member puts more food than they can finish on their dinner plate, I’ll lick it clean for them. And when a helpless kitty needs a home, I’m there to help. That’s why I’m re-posting this craigslist ad for one of my feline friends.

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

The opening line certainly sounds inviting but please, tell me more about what this killing machine can do.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

  •  insects
  •  other trained attack kittens
  •  babies
  •  toilet paper
  •  anything under a blanket
  •  unwanted house guests
  •  paper bags
  •  floor rugs
  •  Chuck Norris
  •  Feet

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you’ll figure that out really fast.

Unlike most cats I know, this one seems to be self reliant. In fact I’d offer to have it join the canine team if it wasn’t for the claws. I don’t have to tell you, one nasty scratch across the money maker I call my snout and my treat getting career is done for.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear – however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens… please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

Surprisingly, no takers so far.

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