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Gorilla in a Mistress Search

That’s a Mighty Strong Right HandSome on this planet are good with the ladies, others are not. Rin Tin Tin was an example of the former, having bedded over 12,000 chihuahua’s during his time on earth. Benji, on the other paw, was known to stutter and submissively pee when he encountered a female.

Me? I’d be great with the girls, if I cared about persuing them. But I don’t. A vet took care of that urge for me. That doesn’t stop me from tyring to help those looking for love in all the wrong places. Take for instance Polo, the silverback gorilla, who can’t get a chick to lay down with him.

Even though Polo is 6 feet (183 centimeters) tall, dark-haired, bilingual and good-natured, the 36-year-old silverback gorilla is still single after a fruitless eight-year search.

“We have written to all major zoos in the world. We have tried everything,” said Vijay Ranjan Singh, the director of the zoo in Mysore, a city in southern India about 525 miles (845 kilometers) southeast of Mumbai.

Polo, who was sent to Mysore from Ireland’s Dublin Zoo in 1995, has been alone since 2000 when his mate, 46-year-old Sumathi, died.

Wow, eight years without any action. There’s definitely a problem.  Here’s what I would recommend.

#1 Let’s bag the pretentious first name – instead of Polo let’s go with something a little more down to earth like Biscuit

#2 Let’s improve Biscuit’s smell – although you can’t tell from the article, I’d venture a guess and say he smells like curry. Let’s take this full circle and douse this ladies’ machine in a bottle of…you guessed it…Polo.

#3 If asked where he’s from, he’s from Dublin, not Mysore. Let’s face it, any mention of an open sore is likely to keep any gorilla away. Heck, you couldn’t even get an Orangutan talking like that.

“He is not very happy. The few joys he enjoys are bathing and searching for food that his keeper hides in blocks of ice or in bamboo to keep him energized,” Singh said.

Biscuit should be careful what he wishes for.  I’d bet over the past eight years nobody has nagged him about making the straw bed in the morning, or cleaning the coconut shells after using them. That could change overnight. Trust me on that one.

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