Polly Want a Cupcake?

Chocolate. The forbidden fruit.

I think it’s a fruit because it’s certainly not a vegetable, and truth be told, vegetables are deadly too. It’s just that veggies steal a little of your soul one crappy asparagus tip at a time rather than the quick demise cocoa offers.

Check out how one Polly Purebred cheated death while cheating on her diet in this story from the BBC.

A dog narrowly avoided death after eating more than 20 chocolate cupcakes.

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Squirrels Say No to Education

They’re at it again, and this time attacking the education system of America.

They being squirrels.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Squirrels are nothing more than rats with fluffy tails, allowed to roam the backyards of our owners.

But that’s not the issue.  It’s that dogs catch a lot of heat from their owners when they bark at one. If cats are allowed to chew on the heads of field mice, why aren’t dogs allowed to chase down squirrels and nibble on their pointy nosed faces?

Double standards that’s why.

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Can You Spare-ow a Cigarette?

If you don’t smoke, consider yourself lucky. There’s really no upside to pumping volumes of intensely polluted air into your lungs. I hear it makes chasing squirrels a bitch.

I admit I partook in a little puff of the cancer inducing sticks during my youth, particular during the peer pressure days of obedience school. I didn’t enjoy the experience, maybe because it took away from the taste of the beers I was imbibing. I learned from experience that cigarettes weren’t for me. Bo says No to cigarettes.

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You Are So Beautiful

Some take their cues from the Westminster Dog Show while others take theirs from the Ugliest Dog Contest. One thing is clear, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It’s fortunate my parents get their idea of canine beauty from the former, otherwise they would have passed right by me on the fateful day they adopted me. Not to be cocky or anything, but when I say I’m handsome I’m not sure I’m doing myself justice. Remember, it ain’t cocky if you can back it up.

But some are less fortunate than me. In Des Moines they decided to throw a self-esteem bone to some bulldogs. You know, to try to make them feel special because they don’t got a lot going on in life. I’m not trying to be mean, but have you ever seen one up close?

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All Out Blitz Sacks Abductor

I hate stereotypes. Is it fair to call all dogs lazy, all mailmen lunch, or all cats selfish?

Of course not…well, the part about cats may be true.

Being anti-stereotype, I have a soft spot in my heart for pit bulls. Not because they’re dogs, that does help, but because they are always portrayed as fighters and haters. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I say, one must always look at the owner, not the dog’s breed to get a sense of the canine’s personality. There’s more than physical similarities between the two.

Take my old man for instance: he’s a good looking, sarcastic, food seeking machine with an easy going style. I’m told I’ve taken on those characteristics too. This is totally against the stereotype for my mixed breed: good looking, sarcastic, food seeking machine with an easy going style.  Hmmm…that didn’t work out as planned.

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Not a Myth, Buster

What’s white on the outside, yellow on the inside and in abundant quantities this time of year?

It’s eggs silly…and the type we canines can partake in.

Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations. Take the Cadbury Egg, for instance, which is yellow on the inside, but a discolored brown on the outside. Sure it tastes sweet, almost too sweet, but instead of pumping you full of life, it will suck it out of you.

How many Cadbury eggs do you think Cool Hand Luke could have eaten? Certainly not the 50 real eggs he downed with the help of his friend, Dragline. My guess is he’d max out at 17 before a sugar coma put him out of commission for a 72 hour nap.

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Seeing Eye Pony

I imagine many of you out there are worried about your jobs. I am too, and with good reason.

During this economic meltdown no job is safe. There’s just too many of us vying for too few jobs.  How many of you have lined up behind hundreds of other dogs just to get a shot at being a plate pre-washer, a bed-warmer or a taste tester? I’d bet kibble to donuts most of you have. Admittedly, these are low skill positions that are easily outsourced to pugs the world over.

However, even if you have well honed skills, you may be staring economic ruin straight in the butt hole, too. I’m talking about the highly specialized abilities attributed to the upper echelon of doghood. That’s right, the skills wielded by the seeing eye dog class.

Just check out what’s happening in Michigan if you don’t believe me.

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Settin’ Up the Cat

Here’s a commercial I like.  Dog steals food and sets up the cat to take the fall.

What more could you want when selling product?

Jeremiah Has Leg Surgery

Jeremiah was a bull frog. Was a good friend of mine. I never understood a single word he said but I helped him a-drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.

I loved that song growing up. Sure it was old, even back then but it was still a classic.  To celebrate the song’s anniversary I had Jeremiah over for dinner. He was delicious.

I guess I’m heartless for enjoying those strong, supple legs my favorite bullfrog worked so hard to build up. Read more

Hair Ball Isn’t That Entertaining

I hate it when I find a hair in my food. I’ll usually send it back, especially if it isn’t mine.

When I do, I’m pretty sure my parents remove the hair, and then spit on my food before giving it back to me. I can’ t prove it because the batteries are low on my digital camcorder and I’ve misplaced the charger.

I can’t imagine what cats go through, what with them shedding all the time. My feline sister Moose gets constipated all the time. I know it’s the hair.

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