If I Could Walk 1000 Miles…

I got lost once.

It happened at my grandparents’ house. They have a few acres of wooded land where I was allowed to run free. There were always squirrels and woodchucks and birds and wild turkeys and a slew of other cool things running and flying around. You know, the types of things I usually only saw on Animal Planet.

It was late afternoon after a raccoon chase worthy of a KTLA helicopter breaking newsflash when I found myself in a strange part of the forest. Nothing looked, sounded and worst of all smelled familiar. I was lost.

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Little Cute Chipmunks Scare Big Bad Cats

Chipmunks. If you’re a regular reader of this blog you know I’m not a fan.

I guess I should clarify that point. I am not a fan but I do enjoy chasing them up trees immensely. In fact I actually caught one a few years back. You’ll be able to read all about it, and my parents’ reaction, in my upcoming book Bad to the Bone.

What you haven’t pre-ordered it yet? C’mon head on over to Amazon and pre-order. You won’t get charged until it ships plus you won’t have to worry about what to read over the holidays. C’mon, there’s only so much turkey and ham to be begged for anyway.

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Dog Busted Out of Canine Jail

How far would your owners go to save your fur?

Would they give up some of their hard earned cash? How about the time needed to nurse you back to health after a serious illness? Would they commit a crime if it meant keeping you in their lives?

I know my parents’ answers: yes, yes, no.

What can I say, they’re law abiding citizens. That means the purchase of medical marijuana for my glaucoma from Chachi down at the street corner is out, but they wouldn’t hesitate flying me to San Francisco to drop me off at a cannabis club. They’re strange folks, but who am I to judge.

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Mynah’s Lungs Filled with Smoke

I never took up smoking.

Not cigarettes. Not cigars. Not even the hemp my best friend Nugget offered me as a teenager. I guess I was lucky, and smart.

I’d seen the videos of the charcoal lined lungs resulting from a lifetime of smoking in obedience class. No thanks. I needed my stamina for the parent – dog chases I orchestrated as well as being the head of the “running pack” marathon sessions with my canine buddies.

Besides, I wouldn’t want my pup dollars supporting the rest of canine society with the exorbitant taxes I’d be paying on every pack of cigarettes.  They’d be better spent on Savory Sauce for my Milkbones.

But I’m a wise dog. Birds not so much.

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Simian Crime Wave

Times are tough.

So tough that many are saying this is the second coming of the Depression. I believe it.

At the local dog park I hear horror stories of what some humans are doing to their beloved canines. Calvin, a wheaton terrier, has had his food switched from the canned goodness of horse meat to the artificially flavored world of dry kibble. Ouch.

Sam, a sheepdog, hasn’t had a haircut since the demise of Lehman Brothers. Poor dog can’t see where he’s going…or where he’s been. Good thing he’s got a strong sense of smell.

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Census Confirms No Tigers in Tiger Park

It’s almost time to raise our paws and be counted. That’s right, the census is right around the corner, coming to a doghouse near you in the spring of 2010.

I remember the first one I filled out. I identified my breed, my sex and the number of other animals living in the house. That total was four, including my parents. The worst part about the whole process was the loitering census takers in the neighborhood. My voice was hoarse for a week after they left.

This time I just plan on putting down the number of occupants in the house and be done with it. No reason for the government to know anything more about me than they need to. Does it really help them to know there are 10,000 Chow-Retriever Americans living in my immediate area?

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Dog Sent to Jail for Eating Money

You ever get the munchies so bad that you’ll eat anything?

When this happens to me I usually head straight for the kitchen garbage can and turn it over. I’m so good at it I’ve been offered work on a Waste Management garbage truck.

Once I’ve turned the can, and my frown, upside down I pick through the goodies that my folks have tossed aside. Mmm…yogurt cups, chicken skin, spaghetti sauce, head cheese, cow tongue…it’s all there for the taking.

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Study Finds Cats are Control Freaks

Annoying. That’s the most appropriate word I can think of to describe the sound my feline sister Moose makes when she deems it time to be fed…or let out…or let in…or whatever else she wants.

I know what you’re thinking. She’s a cat, of course annoying is the first thing that comes to mind.

But you see, I’ve spent years with her, providing advice on how to fit in and to be more like, you know, a dog. I’ve told her the benefits of being a loving, respectful and quiet member of the family all to no avail.

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Fat Kids Love Dogs

Today’s story isn’t so much about animals, but to the extent that humans will go to use them in order to further their own agendas.

I used to love exercise. I couldn’t get enough of it so I was forced to escape my captors, errr parents, to get my fill. These days my needs are fulfilled by sauntering over to my food bowl, chief head scratcher or the family car. Even if I make it to the SUV, I wait for my father to lift me up and put me in. I figure there’s no reason to jump since I’m lazy.

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Six Million Dollar Goose

OK, so maybe the title is a bit misleading, but if you’re a fan of 1970′s bad TV you’ll get it.

Chances are you’re too young, as am I, to have seen the TV series Six Million Dollar Man when it originally aired. But, through the wonders of Hulu.com and several other online streaming sites, you can check out what made Steve Austin worth that much.

Here’s a hint…it wasn’t because he was a great pilot.

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