Fair and Balanced

Einstein Thinks Small

Super size it.

That’s what I tell the old man when it’s chow time. Hey, it takes just as much effort to think small as it does big. Might as well go after the big prize, I say.

Apparently somebody forgot to tell God to do the same when he brought Einstein into this world.

CNM News has the full details on the little guy. Read more

No Gay Dogs Allowed

I never questioned my sexually, probably because my berries were removed at a very young age. My lack of interest on the subject was replaced with a hearty quest for knowledge of molecular physics.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss them.  Here’s a postcard I recently sent my former friends:

“Dear Balls,

Wish you were here.

-Bo”

I hope they’re doing well, wherever they may be.

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Bear Fails Pottery Class

We’ve all been caught in embarrassing moments, including me.

I’ve run into a tree, been mounted by a miniature poodle, and caught failing to wash my paws after I peed. They’re momentary transgressions that we all hope will pass into the dustbin of history. Of course that assumes no pictures were taken.

Now I read about a bear, a jug and a tight squeeze…and 0h, a camera.

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Gelding Forced to Adopt Ducks

As I wrote in my book, Bad to the Bone: Memoir of a Rebel Doggie Blogger, you don’t have much of a choice as to who adopts you.

Even a fun loving, outgoing and lovable mutt like me had to have a couple of goes at it before landing my forever folks, but I was lucky.

Imagine being a duck and being adopted by a horse. That’s right, an equine.

That got me to thinking, what if that was me in that situation? How much fun could cuddle time be if I’m worried about my safety? Let’s be honest, once Mama Secretariat rolls over, I’m dead.

What about primping time before heading out to talk up the local chihuahuas? Well, I’ve never seen a hoof that can hold a furminator, or be able to spray a healthy dose of Old Spice on my neck.

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You Are So Beautiful

Some take their cues from the Westminster Dog Show while others take theirs from the Ugliest Dog Contest. One thing is clear, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It’s fortunate my parents get their idea of canine beauty from the former, otherwise they would have passed right by me on the fateful day they adopted me. Not to be cocky or anything, but when I say I’m handsome I’m not sure I’m doing myself justice. Remember, it ain’t cocky if you can back it up.

But some are less fortunate than me. In Des Moines they decided to throw a self-esteem bone to some bulldogs. You know, to try to make them feel special because they don’t got a lot going on in life. I’m not trying to be mean, but have you ever seen one up close?

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Kung Fu Kitty

I’ve never bitten anyone in my life.

Well, bitten anyone really hard, that is.  I have had a nibble or two of human skin, but almost always in a playful way. The only exception being the one man that tried to kidnap me from my mother’s car when I was three. I never told my parents about the incident so this probably comes as a shock for them to read.

What can I say, when a human sees a talented dog, especially one that can type, they’re apt to want him. So it was left up to me to defend myself. The outcome was never in doubt. Anyway, he tasted like chicken and I never had the occasion to taste him again, the case of burps shortly thereafter not withstanding. Canines are correct in saying things taste better the second time around.

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Seeing Eye Pony

I imagine many of you out there are worried about your jobs. I am too, and with good reason.

During this economic meltdown no job is safe. There’s just too many of us vying for too few jobs.  How many of you have lined up behind hundreds of other dogs just to get a shot at being a plate pre-washer, a bed-warmer or a taste tester? I’d bet kibble to donuts most of you have. Admittedly, these are low skill positions that are easily outsourced to pugs the world over.

However, even if you have well honed skills, you may be staring economic ruin straight in the butt hole, too. I’m talking about the highly specialized abilities attributed to the upper echelon of doghood. That’s right, the skills wielded by the seeing eye dog class.

Just check out what’s happening in Michigan if you don’t believe me.

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Jeremiah Has Leg Surgery

Jeremiah was a bull frog. Was a good friend of mine. I never understood a single word he said but I helped him a-drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.

I loved that song growing up. Sure it was old, even back then but it was still a classic.  To celebrate the song’s anniversary I had Jeremiah over for dinner. He was delicious.

I guess I’m heartless for enjoying those strong, supple legs my favorite bullfrog worked so hard to build up. Read more

Hair Ball Isn’t That Entertaining

I hate it when I find a hair in my food. I’ll usually send it back, especially if it isn’t mine.

When I do, I’m pretty sure my parents remove the hair, and then spit on my food before giving it back to me. I can’ t prove it because the batteries are low on my digital camcorder and I’ve misplaced the charger.

I can’t imagine what cats go through, what with them shedding all the time. My feline sister Moose gets constipated all the time. I know it’s the hair.

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