Dear Bo,

My humans are away and the computer was left on…

Dude, I stuck in between heaven (with a sweet young affectionate and still intact golden) and hell (a older gal with the attitude to match the name  “Princess”)

Now, I’m not complaining dude, I get soft floors and beds to sleep on, my choice of couches to laze on and lots of treats, good grub, massages and belly rubs, heh, I love belly rubs.

Better than my last gig, the county jail where I was on death row, you know, no one wants us older dudes. Well my crazy humans did.  So my problem man, how to I tell the lady I LIKE having my face licked, and all?

She keeps shooing the sexy bitch away from me.

Well time for my noon nap, it’s hard being an old dog you know.

-Chance

Dear Chance,

You don’t have to tell me about how hard it is getting old. Why just this morning I woke up and forgot where I put my teeth forcing me to ‘gum’ down my morning kibble. At least I remembered where I put my hearing aid.

Anyway, to your question.

My sister Copper licks my face all the time, whether I’m in the mood or not. She’ll even pin my two front paws down with hers to keep me from moving. But hey, at least she does a great job of cleaning my eye boogers. Unlike yours, my parents don’t get involved at all.

Your lady should know that face licking in adult canines can be a sign of respect or deference to a more dominant dog. It doesn’t sound like you are more dominant, but just receiving a little bit of respect. You’re not Rodney Dangefield’s dog, after all. That fact, and knowing the average dog loves getting its face licked, should set her straight that this is a healthy practice.

Point her to this blog and tell her to give me a call if she needs more info to be set straight.

Well, it’s time for my nap now.

-bo

P.S. Make sure to tell your folks that Bo is very proud of them for adopting an older dog!!

Hello my dear pal,

My mom cut all my hair yesterday… ALL… except where you know.   But, I look like a teen now and don’t feel the respect from the other dogs I meet in the street … I feel naked and it stresses me… what can I do ??

Pop

—

Dear Pop,

It’s best if you can find a dark, quiet room without windows, and stay there until your hair grows back. If you don’t have such a room, then make sure to close all window shades so the other dogs in the neighborhood don’t see you like this.

If it’s impossible for you to stay inside, do not, I repeat, do not walk outside unless you are covered up. If you don’t heed this warning, you will be ridiculed by every dog you know…even the ones you think are your friends.

What your mother did to you is heinous but nobody ever said life is fair.  Just make sure to keep your internet connection up and let me know how it’s going. Needless to say, turn the web-cam off for now.

Good luck,

-bo

Dear Bo,

My parents think they feed me a lot but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, Murphy treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.

I am in great shape but I am 27 years old and in the prime of my life and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day, they try to hide it but I know.

So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?

Your friend,

Murphy

PS: Have you seen the Bud Light commercial where the dog can talk to his Dad and keeps asking for sausages but does not get any? That’s how I feel, that guy should really give that poor dog the sausages.

—

Dear Murphy,

I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southeast, you’re missing out.  You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity. Take for instance the local Golden Corral. You know, it’s a chain restaurant with an all you can eat buffet. A guy died of salmonella poisoning at our local establishment, but two days later there was a line out the door. The people weren’t waiting in line to pay their respects to the dead man. No, they were waiting in line for a table.

But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.

As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is not Abby Normal at all.  That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.

So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff your not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.

However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.

As for regular food, that’s fair game.  If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

-Bo

P.S. I have seen the sausage commercial and find it mean spirited. I have written a letter stating the same to Budweiser. I await their response.