Hello my dear pal,

My mom cut all my hair yesterday… ALL… except where you know.   But, I look like a teen now and don’t feel the respect from the other dogs I meet in the street … I feel naked and it stresses me… what can I do ??

Pop

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Dear Pop,

It’s best if you can find a dark, quiet room without windows, and stay there until your hair grows back. If you don’t have such a room, then make sure to close all window shades so the other dogs in the neighborhood don’t see you like this.

If it’s impossible for you to stay inside, do not, I repeat, do not walk outside unless you are covered up. If you don’t heed this warning, you will be ridiculed by every dog you know…even the ones you think are your friends.

What your mother did to you is heinous but nobody ever said life is fair.  Just make sure to keep your internet connection up and let me know how it’s going. Needless to say, turn the web-cam off for now.

Good luck,

-bo

Dear Bo,

My parents think they feed me a lot but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, Murphy treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.

I am in great shape but I am 27 years old and in the prime of my life and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day, they try to hide it but I know.

So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?

Your friend,

Murphy

PS: Have you seen the Bud Light commercial where the dog can talk to his Dad and keeps asking for sausages but does not get any? That’s how I feel, that guy should really give that poor dog the sausages.

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Dear Murphy,

I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southeast, you’re missing out.  You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity. Take for instance the local Golden Corral. You know, it’s a chain restaurant with an all you can eat buffet. A guy died of salmonella poisoning at our local establishment, but two days later there was a line out the door. The people weren’t waiting in line to pay their respects to the dead man. No, they were waiting in line for a table.

But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.

As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is not Abby Normal at all.  That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.

So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff your not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.

However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.

As for regular food, that’s fair game.  If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

-Bo

P.S. I have seen the sausage commercial and find it mean spirited. I have written a letter stating the same to Budweiser. I await their response.

Hey bo what’s up?

My mommy is really worried about me in the heat.

I tried to explain that i’m ok. I just need to stay cool but she doesn’t want to let me out in the bad heat to play. I’ll admit I do get very hot and pant a lot sometimes pretty heavy.

She did get me a pool but i’m a little nervous about it, i’m getting better but still a little nervous. I am a corgi and have the short legs so getting in and out of the pool is a bit of a challenge.

Any suggestions for my mom to keeping me cool?

mali

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Dear mali,

A corgi, eh? Let me ask you, why the need for two coats? Don’t you know there are some dogs out there without any? I know of a Mexican Hairless willing to give up a sack full of greenies just for a windbreaker. I know, I know. That doesn’t address your mother’s concern.

Just to clarify, a dog’s coat is its fur. Sure, it’s not luxurious like the fur on a mink, but then you don’t have poachers trying to capture you either. For those us with double coats, there is the soft fluffy undercoat and a coarser topcoat that protects us from the elements, even the heat. The misconception that shaving a dog will keep it cooler is just that, a misconception. Some say that the the two layers of fur are like insulation, keeping the hot air out in the summer and doing the same with the cold air in the winter. If you do get shaved, make sure it’s not closer than one inch from your body. You don’t want a sunburn, especially right behind your knee. Ouch!

So you pant a lot. So do I, but I’m old. You’re just letting your cooling system work out all the heat from your body. Just make sure to have your mother provide plenty of water, a cool place for you to lay down and to keep you from being outside during the hottest part of the day. Oh, and she has to ensure that a case of Frosty Paws is on hand at all times.

She also needs to be aware of the signs of heat stroke should things get out of control.

Signs of heat stroke include (but are not limited to): body temperatures of 104-110F degrees, excessive panting, dark or bright red tongue and gums, staggering, stupor, seizures, bloody diarrhea or vomiting, coma, death. Brachycephalic breeds (the short-nosed breeds, such as Bulldogs and Pugs), large heavy-coated breeds, and those dogs with heart or respiratory problems are more at risk for heat stroke.

If you suspect heat stroke in your pet, seek Veterinary attention immediately! Use cool water, not ice water, to cool your pet. (Very cold water will cause constriction of the blood vessels and impede cooling.) Do not aid cooling below 103 F degrees – some animals can actually get HYPOthermic, too cold. Offer ice cubes for the animal to lick on until you can reach your Veterinarian. Just because your animal is cooled and “appears” OK, do NOT assume everything is fine. Internal organs such as liver, kidneys, brain, etc., are definitely affected by the body temperature elevation, and blood tests and veterinary examination are needed to assess this. There is also a complex blood problem, called DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation) that can be a secondary complication to heat stroke that can be fatal.

Stay cool, be cool.

- bo