Bo’s Book

I know, I know…I’ve been promising updates to the book but haven’t delivered. Well, to quiet the crowd I’ve put a quick little story here from the book. I hope you enjoy…

The Butcher Of Burnham Way

The lone light in the room pierced my eyes. It was deliberately angled to blind me although I could still make out the shadowy figure pacing in the background. The temperature in the room was hot, Africa hot. I hadn’t had a drink for hours and no matter how much I begged there were no treats forthcoming. I was sitting in the interrogation room, exactly where was anybody’s guess. It could have been the Hanoi Hilton for all I knew.

“Bo, come on now. Just get it off your chest and you’ll feel a lot better,” the voice said to me. “You have no alibi, witnesses have stated they saw you around the scene of the crime plus you had every motive to commit this offense.”

“Shouldn’t I have a lawyer here?” I asked.

“I’m sure he’s on his way. In the meantime just tell us what you were doing around 6:00pm this evening.”

I knew what I had done was wrong. I had done it many times before but hadn’t suffered any serious penalties. I had not fully anticipated the consequences of my actions on this occasion, however. Unlike the other episodes, blood was everywhere around the house. It was on the floor, the window panes, the wall and the front door. The only thing that appeared missing was the victim’s body.

“I was sleeping, waiting for my parents to come home. I don’t know how the blood got everywhere,” I countered unconvincingly.

“Liar! You killed something Bo. The evidence is all around. Look at the blood on the walls, on the floor, on the windows!! How did you do it? Did you tear up the victim with your mouth or did you use the doggie hair clippers? Come clean and you’ll feel a whole lot better.”

“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you slept through this bloody rampage? C’mon be serious. The place was ransacked. Look at all the garbage strewn about. You want us to believe you were napping peacefully while this took place?”

My interrogator had me cornered; I needed to find a way out of this mess. Yes, I had knocked over the garbage pail. Yes, it was me that picked through it. Yes, I tossed it about the house, but I didn’t kill anything.

I was innocent but what could I do? A sudden thought crossed my mind. I turned in my chair and crossed my hind legs as I faced my interrogator directly. I lit the end of a cigarette inhaling deeply and savoring the moment. Once satisfied with the nicotine hit, I exhaled the carcinogen from my lungs. I provocatively uncrossed my legs and slowly, very slowly, re-crossed them in the other direction. I waited for the effect to take hold.

“Your Basic Instinct routine ain’t gonna work in this part of town, butcher boy. Only the truth will set you free.”

Just my luck, my interrogator is a movie buff.

I broke. “OK. I admit it. It was me that knocked over the garbage pail. There was the sweet smell of old chili combined with some rotting mushrooms that were driving me crazy. You can’t expect to put a dog in a position to smell that and not do anything about it. I knocked it over in the laundry room and threw the garbage around looking for more good stuff to eat,”

“You’re not telling us the whole truth are you, Mr. Bo?”

“Yes I am.”

“Well, how do you explain the blood then? It was everywhere, especially in the area that you have now confessed to being at.”

“Chili and mushrooms, that’s all I wanted.”

“Sure, now you say that chili and mushrooms are all you wanted, but you didn’t stop there did you? Did you?”

“I might have had some left over salsa and some rotting asparagus spears too.”

“You would have us believe that you were only after rotting human garbage? Is that correct?”

“Yes it’s the truth.”

“You make me sick!” the disgusted figure said as he left the room.

I finished my cigarette, sitting there dazed. I wasn’t telling the whole truth but it was pretty close; I was just looking for human waste. It’s just that once I got through with it I wanted more. I couldn’t stop myself. Man, was I thirsty. I would have done anything for some toilet water right now.

The door opened slowly and I could make out the figure of a petite woman. Her size was not consistent with her demeanor as she quickly resumed the questioning.

“Why Bo? Why? You get everything you want and then some, but once you’re left to your own devices you do something evil. Your parents are always left to clean up all of your wrongs.”

I wasn’t evil, just persistent in the things I want. This time wasn’t any different except the blood.

“Why Bo? Why?” she asked again.

“OK, I admit it. After I ate the human food I went into the cat litter and ate the cat’s poop. I need the protein for crying out loud. My daily rations just aren’t cutting it.”

“We are well aware of you hitting the kitty litter food buffet Mr. Bo. We can smell your breath from a mile away. What else haven’t you been totally upfront about?”

It was to no avail. I might as well be totally honest.

“After I ate the rotting garbage and gave myself a kitty snicker treat I couldn’t stop. It’s not that I was hungry; I just enjoy food. You don’t understand, the more I get the more I need. Let me tell ya, I needed more so I went in the pantry. At the bottom of the pantry are small, unopened cans of cat food. I couldn’t get to the can opener because it sits so high on the counter so I opened them with my teeth.”

“Weren’t you afraid of cutting yourself?”

“You just don’t get it, do you? Once you’re under the influence of a food-induced rampage, nothing will stop you. I once heard of a little Yorkie lifting a tractor off a sack of Milkbones trapped beneath it just so she could eat those treats. Food is a major drug that does strange things to you. In my mind I knew I wasn’t going to cut myself on the cans.”

“So you opened the cat cans with your mouth?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Each of the 16 little cans was opened by me. In the process I did find out that Forrest Gump’s mother is a liar. It isn’t true that “life is like a box of cat food because you never know what you’re going to get inside.” I knew exactly what I was getting in each and every can and I was not disappointed.”

“So, that leaves us with one last thing. Where’s the body?”

“What body?”

“The body that contained all the blood that’s spread around the house. Since you indicated you did not cut yourself on the sharp edges of the cat can, it had to have come from somewhere else.”

“Oh. That actually was my blood. Although my mind knew I wasn’t going to cut myself by chewing the cans open, my body had other ideas. I cut my mouth on the cans. I did lose a lot of blood but fortunately by the time I got light headed I had finished eating. All the blood around the house is mine. You can take a swab of my mouth for DNA confirmation if you want.”

“So you didn’t kill anything?”

“No, but if you like, you can call me the Butcher of Burnham Way. That sounds cool.”

The interrogation was over. The light was turned off; I was given a bowl of water and escorted to bed. My parents didn’t understand why I did what I did, but they accepted it anyway. In return, I accepted them even though they continued to throw food away. It’s the least we could do for each other.

As they left my room I heard them say, “I hope nobody ever gets accused of murder in this house because if they shine a black light on the walls they’re going to think this place was a slaughterhouse.”

Did someone say slaughterhouse? I’m hungry again.

Some of you may not know this, but I was very ill this past week. Yes, I was still able to blog a bit but that’s really a testatment to my toughness rather than a sign that my affliction wasn’t serious. So I’ll recount what transpired…

——————–
The package clearly states how to do it:

Step 1: Pop a handful of seeds in your mouth

Step 2: Store seeds in one side of your cheek

Step 3: Now, transfer one seed to the other side

Step 4: Crack the shell with your teeth

Step 5: Remove the seed with your tongue

Step 6: Spit the shell, eat the seed and repeat!

In fact the process of eating sunflower seeds is so easy my old man does it all the time. He’s always got a mouthful when he’s cruising in his truck, spitting the remnants of mother nature’s sunflower bounty directly onto the vehicle’s floor. No need to worry about spitting it out the window, into a garbage bag or into a cup; it’s his truck and he’ll darn well do what he pleases in it. As you can imagine this upsets my mother to no end, especially when she has to get the oil changed or tires rotated on the vehicle.

For me though, it creates an opportunity. “An opportunity for what?” you may be asking. Well, it’s an opportunity to eat some shells. Sure there usually aren’t any seeds left in the middle, but the outer casing can be tasty and one of a variety of flavors. The taste can range from salty to barbecue to jalapeno to lime to nacho cheese to ranch. The only one you don’t want any part of is the pickle flavor. Pickle flavor? Yeah, that’s what I said. Fortunately that was only a one-time event.

A week ago my father left the house. It was my mother’s evening to host the monthly bunco get together. To the uninitiated, Bunco is a dice game played by women. It is used as an excuse to stick their husbands with the kids (and dogs!) all night while they go and socialize with the other neighborhood wives. The most important thing is that no husbands are allowed, hence my father’s departure from his home.

My father decided to kill time by going Halloween costume shopping. Apparently there’s an unwritten rule that you don’t want to be caught double dipping on a previous years’ costume. While he was inside the store, I partook in eating all the sunflower seeds in the truck. There were lots of ‘em. Why let them go to waste if I was willing to eat them? That’s right, no reason to. After finding some lame costumes at Target, my father drove us home.

The party was just about to break up when we arrived at our humble abode. Coming through the basement, my father dressed me up in the newly purchased cowboy outfit, well actually I think it was a cowgirl outfit, and pushed me up the stairs and into the room with all the ladies. He slammed the door behind me.

I looked for a fast way to get out of the room before being noticed but I wasn’t quick enough. It started with a singular laugh and turned into a crescendo. It’s the sound Eddie Murphy must have heard from audiences worldwide…in the early years. The laughter continued unabated for five minutes. Eventually the ruckus calmed down and the ladies left shortly thereafter. By all accounts the night was a success; for my mother because no one died from her cooking and for my father because he found costumes for my sister and I.

It was two days later when I had my next bowel movement; it was pretty notable since I’m a pretty regular dog. In addition to being late, I also couldn’t hold it very long. The subsequent result was a few pebblesque pieces of poo sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor. Moments later my mother came upon the scene.

Upon close inspection, my mother saw that my fecal matter was inundated with sunflower seed shells. In fact if one didn’t know better they’d think I had pooped a large sunflower shell with the poop being the seed in the middle. Immediately she marched downstairs to have a discussion with my father.

“Uhmm, is there something you want to tell me?” she asked my father

Knowing trouble was looking for him, he replied, “Yeah, I love you.”

“Did you give Bo sunflower seeds to eat?”

“Of course not. You know I like them too much.”

“Then how do you explain that his poop has sunflower seeds in it?”

My father sat there for a moment, chewing at his lower lip. Finally he said, “Hmmm…I wonder if he ate some when I took him shopping for his costume on Tuesday?”

Sarcastically my mother retorted, “Yeah I wonder.”

Finishing her thought my mother said, “Do me a favor and don’t give him anymore seeds.”

How great was this? Here I had just taken a dump in the middle of the house and it’s my old man that catches heat for it! Sign me up for a lifetime supply of David Seeds.

I guess the seeds explained why I wasn’t able to go to the bathroom for a few days.

The following day I wasn’t feeling right. My mouth was killing me and I couldn’t stop drooling. It was like someone was taunting me with a big, juicy steak that they wouldn’t let me have. But here’s the thing, they weren’t. I was just drooling for no reason at all. I knew chewing sunflower seeds can make your mouth sore but my mouth was more than just sore, it hurt. In addition I was having difficulty breathing.

It didn’t take long for my father to notice. He checked out my mouth and found nothing. Then he felt my chin and felt a huge growth. Although nobody said it at the time, they feared the lump was cancer. It was time for a ride to the Cobb Emergency Vet Clinic.

I was checked in and immediately taken into the back. Here I sat while my parents filled out a mountain of paperwork. I don’t know whether they were doing their taxes or trying to remember every disease I’d ever had, all I knew was that it was taking a long time…especially if it was to help a dog with breathing issues.

The emergency vet came into the room and checked me out. Immediately focusing in on the growth, she gave a grave assessment of my situation. She indicated that in dogs my age, cancer can grow rapidly near the saliva gland. I was a perfect candidate and she tried to brace my parents for what may lie ahead. X-rays were ordered, I was sedated, a biopsy taken and the growth was aspirated. It looked gloomy.

But it wasn’t!!

You see, after forking over $850, my parents found out that a sunflower seed had cut the skin under the tongue and got embedded there. It got infected and then abscessed. By the time the vet saw me, it was like a big zit just waiting to explode! Can you imagine the mess on the mirror after that?

So, based on this, all talk of cancer was put on hold with a CYA disclaimer, “We’ll wait for the pathology reports to come back to be sure.” I was sent home with a pawful of medications and under strict rules to get some rest. Like they have to tell me that.

What a Sunday it turned out to be. In the end, my parents had me on my death bed, and for what reason? Because I hadn’t taken the time to read the package on how to eat sunflower seeds.

Here’s my adoption story (and an excerpt from my upcoming book). Please feel free to share your adoption story or thoughts in the comments section.

We met back in the early 90’s, December of ‘92 to be exact. I just had a major blowout with my first, somewhat dysfunctional family and decided that it was best for all if I just left. My foster dad gave me a ride to nowhere that ended up at a boarding house in Albany, NY. The place was great, warm with plenty of company, and their cheesy poof biscuits were to die for. On the downside, it was loud and smelly, not unlike me.

Even a lowly pug could smell her coming from miles away. It was Monday, as I recall, and the bells on the door jingled to announce her arrival. She was a beautiful blonde with a quick smile and a big heart. We’d seen this type before; they usually left with one of the pure bred puppies, but something was different about this one. My instincts told me that any canine would be darn lucky to go home with a dame like her, so I made it my top priority to be that hound.

She wandered back to where we lived. Frankly, I was a bit embarrassed about the condition of the place. Some of my cage mates were not very clean and some even took to pooping where they ate. My next cage neighbor’s lack of etiquette was particularly noteworthy as he took to eating kitty snickers (that’s slang for cat poo in the big house) openly. Sure they taste good, but you’re not getting adopted if you’re seen eating one.

As she came closer to my humble accommodations, I tried everything I could to grab her attention. When she finally got to me I made direct eye contact with her, angled my head at a 45 degree tilt and gave her my trademark BoPaw’ reach. As a bonus, my head as a pup was fully-grown, although my body wasn’t. While it would have been abnormal on any other dog, my oversized cranium actually made me cuter.

With the paw in the air and the bobble head turned just so, I stared into her eyes. I could see instantly she wanted me. Needed me. Had to have me. Hey who wouldn’t?

With her finely manicured nails, she reached out and petted me. She was clearly enjoying our encounter. How easy these humans are to manipulate, I thought. Her hands were refreshingly cool and her smell put me in a state of delight. I was in love. I could tell she loved me too.

After a few gushing, “He’s so cute!” comments, she took her hand out of my cage, gave me one last look and proceeded to move on to Pumpkin’s cage.

What?? Move on?! Hey, we just made a connection. You can’t move on. But that’s exactly what she did.

Realizing I was still sitting there with a half-cocked head and a paw in the air, I felt my muzzle glow red hot under my furry face as the other dogs chuckled with delight. After a few minutes I got my bearings back, but by then she had moved through the room, out the door and out of my life.

My hope for a better life was gone as quickly as it had come. A depression enveloped me. The brief glimpse of a superior existence with a loving, caring humanoid was replaced with the stark reality that I may spend the rest of my life at this boarding house. What was once a fun and refreshing place became a dark and daunting cave.

This brush with love, and the subsequent loss of it, had me thinking of ending things in this world. I had heard the stories of the different ways it was accomplished but I knew that if I were going to do it, there was only one way. I knew to whom I could turn.

His given name was Charlemagne Brutus the IV, but he was better known in the house as the Candyman. His studded dog collar betrayed an otherwise noble and tame appearance. C’man slept on the best blankets, drank from the shiniest bowls and rarely took to begging for human food. He was well connected and living life that way.

I approached Candyman during exercise time in the yard. While the other dogs were working on their begging routines, he let on to me that he had a shipment of Hershey’s Dark Chocolate candy bars on the way. For the right price he would let me have them. As the reader clearly knows, as did I, chocolate will kill a canine quicker than a game of “chase the cat” in traffic. Yeah, that quick.

I was desperate, I wanted out of this life and this was the easy path. Death by chocolate, as it is commonly referred to in the restaurant business, was only two Hershey bars away for me. Once ingested, I would soon be patrolling the pearly gates of heaven, looking of course for a place to dig out underneath it. Paradise awaited me.

I knew the price, two greenies and a peanut butter filled kong for each candy bar. The only problem, I had no money and I was unemployed. The price too steep, I resigned myself to the situation at hand. At least death would come seven times faster than it does for others on this lonely, desolate planet. I lay down and quickly dozed off.

<Initiate dream sequence, twitching and yelping> “…and if you want any input into what kind of dog we get, I suggest you get your butt over here after work!” the angry voice yelled. The words came from an angel; the very same angel that had visited the dog reclamation center earlier in the day, although in the dream she seemed a little heavier. (Ed note: dreams add 10 lbs to your frame.) <End dream sequence, twitching and yelping>

When I awoke, the angel was standing over me. Next to her was a very handsome young man. So handsome you might think he was gay, but let me assure the reader he is not. The sexiest man alive looked at me and said, “He’s cute. Let’s get him.”

“I want you to look at this one over here too,” the angel countered.

What? Another dog? She’s betraying me all over again. Ice must surely flow through this one’s veins. Did I mention this all happening during the Christmas season? Was I just like a Douglas Fir being picked up, twirled and then tossed aside while the next Christmas tree gets evaluated?

Fortunately Prince Charming had his wits about him. “No, I like this one, he’s so dopey looking,” clearly referring to me, “We don’t need to look at any of the others. He’s the one.” I didn’t much care for his attitude but his decision-making capability was flawless.

Knowing that once prospective parents take a dog for a ‘test’ walk, they will adopt the pet 98% of the time, Nurse Cratchet saw her opportunity. “Would you like to take him out for a walk, just to make sure you like him?” she offered. She was eager to get rid of me after my failed attempt at unionizing the locals to get better victuals.

I was put on a leash and escorted out the door. Once outside I made a beeline for my potential owner’s car. It was easy to pick out; my sense of smell is incredible. In a show of respect I immediately peed on it. I then proceeded to ignore them as they fawned all over me. Once you have them this far, you show them you don’t want them and they’ll want you more. It’s a sick world, but you have to play by the rules. Remember, don’t hate the player; hate the game.

The ploy worked, they wanted me. With the decision made I pranced back toward my former home to pack my belongings.

“Not so fast my friend,” Cratchet cackled, “We need to make sure you get all your required shots before we can release you to these fine folks.”

What? I can’t leave yet? What a shot in the nads, which by the way were already gone. My new parents were informed to come pick me up later in the week.

As they went to put me back in my cage, I did my best to stop this course of action. With a rope around my neck, I sat down and forced two, it might have been three, of the staff’s goons to drag me across the floor and to my destination. What a sight it must have been. I glanced at my new owners who stared at the commotion with a half smile and a half shocked look that said, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” It’s a look they would share many times in our future together.

Like it or not, the ice princess and her prince were now my parents for life. I couldn’t be happier but I would soon realize the more family members you have the merrier it is.