Dear Bo,

My humans are away and the computer was left on…

Dude, I stuck in between heaven (with a sweet young affectionate and still intact golden) and hell (a older gal with the attitude to match the name  “Princess”)

Now, I’m not complaining dude, I get soft floors and beds to sleep on, my choice of couches to laze on and lots of treats, good grub, massages and belly rubs, heh, I love belly rubs.

Better than my last gig, the county jail where I was on death row, you know, no one wants us older dudes. Well my crazy humans did.  So my problem man, how to I tell the lady I LIKE having my face licked, and all?

She keeps shooing the sexy bitch away from me.

Well time for my noon nap, it’s hard being an old dog you know.

-Chance

Dear Chance,

You don’t have to tell me about how hard it is getting old. Why just this morning I woke up and forgot where I put my teeth forcing me to ‘gum’ down my morning kibble. At least I remembered where I put my hearing aid.

Anyway, to your question.

My sister Copper licks my face all the time, whether I’m in the mood or not. She’ll even pin my two front paws down with hers to keep me from moving. But hey, at least she does a great job of cleaning my eye boogers. Unlike yours, my parents don’t get involved at all.

Your lady should know that face licking in adult canines can be a sign of respect or deference to a more dominant dog. It doesn’t sound like you are more dominant, but just receiving a little bit of respect. You’re not Rodney Dangefield’s dog, after all. That fact, and knowing the average dog loves getting its face licked, should set her straight that this is a healthy practice.

Point her to this blog and tell her to give me a call if she needs more info to be set straight.

Well, it’s time for my nap now.

-bo

P.S. Make sure to tell your folks that Bo is very proud of them for adopting an older dog!!

My mom cut all my hair yesterday… ALL… except where you know.   But, I look like a teen now and don’t feel the respect from the other dogs I meet in the street … I feel naked and it stresses me… what can I do ??

Pop

—

Dear Pop,

It’s best if you can find a dark, quiet room without windows, and stay there until your hair grows back. If you don’t have such a room, then make sure to close all window shades so the other dogs in the neighborhood don’t see you like this.

If it’s impossible for you to stay inside, do not, I repeat, do not walk outside unless you are covered up. If you don’t heed this warning, you will be ridiculed by every dog you know…even the ones you think are your friends.

What your mother did to you is heinous but nobody ever said life is fair.  Just make sure to keep your internet connection up and let me know how it’s going. Needless to say, turn the web-cam off for now.

Good luck,

-bo

My parents think they feed me a lot but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, Murphy treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.

I am in great shape but I am 27 years old and in the prime of my life and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day, they try to hide it but I know.

So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?

Your friend,

Murphy

PS: Have you seen the Bud Light commercial where the dog can talk to his Dad and keeps asking for sausages but does not get any? That’s how I feel, that guy should really give that poor dog the sausages.

—

Dear Murphy,

I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southeast, you’re missing out.  You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity. Take for instance the local Golden Corral. You know, it’s a chain restaurant with an all you can eat buffet. A guy died of salmonella poisoning at our local establishment, but two days later there was a line out the door. The people weren’t waiting in line to pay their respects to the dead man. No, they were waiting in line for a table.

But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.

As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is not Abby Normal at all.  That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.

So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff your not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.

However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.

As for regular food, that’s fair game.  If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

-Bo

P.S. I have seen the sausage commercial and find it mean spirited. I have written a letter stating the same to Budweiser. I await their response.

My mommy is really worried about me in the heat.

I tried to explain that i’m ok. I just need to stay cool but she doesn’t want to let me out in the bad heat to play. I’ll admit I do get very hot and pant a lot sometimes pretty heavy.

She did get me a pool but i’m a little nervous about it, i’m getting better but still a little nervous. I am a corgi and have the short legs so getting in and out of the pool is a bit of a challenge.

Any suggestions for my mom to keeping me cool?

mali

—

Dear mali,

A corgi, eh? Let me ask you, why the need for two coats? Don’t you know there are some dogs out there without any? I know of a Mexican Hairless willing to give up a sack full of greenies just for a windbreaker. I know, I know. That doesn’t address your mother’s concern.

Just to clarify, a dog’s coat is its fur. Sure, it’s not luxurious like the fur on a mink, but then you don’t have poachers trying to capture you either. For those us with double coats, there is the soft fluffy undercoat and a coarser topcoat that protects us from the elements, even the heat. The misconception that shaving a dog will keep it cooler is just that, a misconception. Some say that the the two layers of fur are like insulation, keeping the hot air out in the summer and doing the same with the cold air in the winter. If you do get shaved, make sure it’s not closer than one inch from your body. You don’t want a sunburn, especially right behind your knee. Ouch!

So you pant a lot. So do I, but I’m old. You’re just letting your cooling system work out all the heat from your body. Just make sure to have your mother provide plenty of water, a cool place for you to lay down and to keep you from being outside during the hottest part of the day. Oh, and she has to ensure that a case of Frosty Paws is on hand at all times.

She also needs to be aware of the signs of heat stroke should things get out of control.

Signs of heat stroke include (but are not limited to): body temperatures of 104-110F degrees, excessive panting, dark or bright red tongue and gums, staggering, stupor, seizures, bloody diarrhea or vomiting, coma, death. Brachycephalic breeds (the short-nosed breeds, such as Bulldogs and Pugs), large heavy-coated breeds, and those dogs with heart or respiratory problems are more at risk for heat stroke.

If you suspect heat stroke in your pet, seek Veterinary attention immediately! Use cool water, not ice water, to cool your pet. (Very cold water will cause constriction of the blood vessels and impede cooling.) Do not aid cooling below 103 F degrees – some animals can actually get HYPOthermic, too cold. Offer ice cubes for the animal to lick on until you can reach your Veterinarian. Just because your animal is cooled and “appears” OK, do NOT assume everything is fine. Internal organs such as liver, kidneys, brain, etc., are definitely affected by the body temperature elevation, and blood tests and veterinary examination are needed to assess this. There is also a complex blood problem, called DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation) that can be a secondary complication to heat stroke that can be fatal.

Stay cool, be cool.

- bo

Got any special begging tricks to share? Me has run out of ideas

Used up all my good ones…sit up(no prompt), sit and pretend me no hear “no beg”, sad eyes with head down, beg from other pawrent when initial givee leaves the room, and of course the lick the empty food bowl trick…

…at my wits end, please help…

Two should take me to the end of the year

your pal,

harleydog

—

Dear harleydog,

Generally speaking, I like to keep my begging routines a secret. If an owner gets too much of a cute thing, it makes that cute thing not so cute anymore, our looks notwithstanding. But since you’re a big pal of mine I’ll forgo my rule and give you two special routines, that if employed correctly, work everytime.

The first, given to me by divine inspiration, would allow you to sell ice to a siberian husky owner. Yeah, it’s that good, so keep it to yourself. I call it ‘The backflip’ and it has never failed me. Well, except that one time I had an inner ear infection and I fell over.
It’s most effective when your owner is on the couch eating something you want. What you want to do is walk by your owner, stopping when you are two feet past them and then sit down. Make sure not to turn around and face them…keep you muzzle in the opposite direction, the same way you would if you were ignoring them. OK, so here’s the important, and tricky, part. Lift your chin straight up and over your head until it won’t reach any more. If done correctly, you should now be seeing your owner on the couch, although it may appear they are upside down. They are not, it’s just the way you are looking at them. Stay there until you hear the ‘Oh my gosh’ squeals and see the quick hand of treat giving goodness come your way.

The second begging routine that is not in your repertoire is the fake limp. I usually employ this technique after I’ve been staying with someone when my parents were on vacation. Let’s face it, they don’t know what happened over those few days they were gone. Did you have fun playing or were you getting yelled at, or maybe you were upset the entire time? They don’t know. So what I’ll do is ham it up big time with a limp that would put Tiny Tim’s to shame. Lay down, lick your paw and give them a soulful look. Before you know it, you’ll be getting the center cut of roast beef in no time.

I have to thank you for the empty bowl trick. It’s so simple, but I see where it can be so effective, yet I never thought of it.

Thanks!

- bo

Ok mama was wondering why I have to chew my nails? She keeps them trimmed
but I like to redo them myself. Then I make a slobbering awful noise that
gets on her nerves chewing the rest of the way up my front legs then I will
continue licking forever till I get tired and go to sleep.

I also if she scratches my backside really good I will take my front teeth
and try and clean her arm for her while she is scratching my backside. Mama
says what the heck Luckeyboy. I dont hurt her it tickles she says and very
funny but what is this nervous tick I have? Do you know BO?

Love ya buddy,

yur furiend jus a Luckeyboy to know BO!

—

Dear Luckeyboy,

First off I have to tell you that your judgment is impeccable and I always enjoy hearing from you (that makes my judgment impeccable).

My sister Copper does the same thing. She nibbles on her nails and then sucks on her leg like it’s a barbecue rib with bone sucking sauce on it. Like your Mama, this drives me bananas. Copper usually does it because she has allergies so I’m wondering whether maybe you weren’t a luckey boy when they handed out the allergy resistance gene. If it isn’t allergies, are you the nervous, bored type? How about compulsive? Do tell Luckeyboy.

Lest you decide what course of action to take from the mind of a highly skilled canine, here’s some additional advice from a true vet.

Dogs will bite their nails for a variety of reasons… the most common causes could be allergies, infection, anxiety, or boredom.

As to your second issue Copper tends to do the same thing, although she only licks the arm that scratches her. If I had to guess I’d say that it’s a sign of affection. You’re being groomed and you’re reciprocating the love. It’s kind of like gorillas taking turns removing lice from each other, in your case it’s just being done simultaneously. I bet licking a gorilla’s arm would be a lot more fun than a virtually hairless human one, but such is our lot in life.

Be good, be strong and stay Luckeyboy.

Best,

-bo

What do I do to get my Dancing Partner to ask me to be his Girlfriend? I am head over heels in lov with him and his Son.

My Brother has falling in lov with his MAMA and I think he is going to ask her to marry him but he wants to take to his First Wifes family First so they will not be Hurt or shocked or surprised before he does anything.

New Dancing Partner is not married now and is a single Dad so a wife or former wife is not a problem. His Son’s MAMA likes me and I like her a lot too. They have a wonderful Little Man that is a Southern Gentleman.

All of his Family like me. I have tried showing more skin,less skin my hair up,down ad differant color and nothing is working. I even whisper in his ear when we dance. I affect him cause his MAMA says he has problems fitting into his swimming trunk and speedos when he thinks of me and when we are togeather at the Campground you can always find him and BARNEY in the COLD WATER CREEK. His MAMA and I BOLBOL over that.

I have had 6 Doggys who wanted to date me after Peanut and I broke up. I tried to date to others but no sparks just Friendship sparks and that is all but with my Dancing Partner we light up a darkend room,we give it firecrackers,we sizzle.

PLEASE HELP. I am shy and would not dare ask him not like my Brother who is not shy at all.

Thanks BO

Miss COCO and TYPING MAMA KAT

—

Dear Miss Coco and Typing Mama Kat,

Wow! I’ve read your question several times now and my oversized cranium hurts. I think I saw your story on a Jerry Springer Spaniel episode.

First off, breaking up with Peanut Butter, whether smooth or crunchy, is always difficult. Don’t forget to mourn the relationship if you haven’t had a chance to. That will ensure the relationship with your dancing partner (DP) is not a just a rebound.

I see that to entice DP you’ve tried all of the typical ways used by females to create interest. If DP is not responding, then I must assume that his breed is not of the sight variety and is motivated by his sniffer instead. May I be so bold as to suggest a little roast beef au jus behind the ears or a salami bandana around your neck or, and this may be emotionally difficult, wearing a peanut butter filled locket?

Once you’ve got the relationship going in the right direction, I would advise that you take this relationship slowly. I know it may be difficult since the sparks are already flying, but if he’s unwilling to commit to you in a reasonable amount of time be careful. You are still emotionally vulnerable from your previous relationship.

Just remember, DP isn’t going to buy the milkbones if he’s getting the chihuahua treat giving machine for free.

Good luck,

-bo

The canine love doctor

I have a really bad habit of charging at the door when someone comes in or leaves. I start jumping on the person and I get so excited, I growl and nip them. I always do this. My mommy wants me to stop!

Any suggestions on how I can greet our visitors without scaring them?????

Cocoa

a.k.a. Mommy’s Little Boy

—

Dear Cocoa,

I love visitors too, especially the UPS man…he leaves doggie biscuits on my packages. I’d like to return the favor by leaving doggie pee on his truck tires but he’s always in a hurry.

That doesn’t really address your problem does it? I have to be honest, I’m not one to get all excited about people coming into the house unless they have some special treat for me. If they want to engage with me, I let them make the effort. I see that you live on the other end of the greeting spectrum.

The first thing I want to make clear is that you aren’t scaring anyone. If you don’t believe me, just take a look in the mirror. Anyone that is afraid of you is also scared of sugar and spice and everything nice. Unfortunately that doesn’t give you a right to be jumping on people. So here are some thoughts that Doggie’s Big Mom can utilize to settle you down.

• A 20,000 volt shock collar – not only will this stop you from jumping up on visitors, it will also stop you from breathing. I don’t recommend this.

• Dousing all visitors with Eau De Johnny Mellencamp cologne prior to their entry into the house. The smell will ensure every dog keeps a safe distance from the guest but it will also keep people from visiting your house. Only recommended if you and your family want to become shut ins.

• Toe Block – Used on small dogs, this little known, but highly effective move trained Toto, of Wizard of Oz fame, to stop jumping up on the Wicked Witch of the West. In order to use this move successfully, she will need to have a grotesquely large big toe, and it must be hairy. Flashing the toe is recommended only if your mother is already married or plans to be a spinster.

• For larger dogs use of the body block – “as the animal starts to jump up on you, turn sideways and either extend your leg or lean over and with your hip give a body block so that the dog never even gets her paws on you. You see, once she has her front paws on you, she already got what she wanted (she won and you lost).When the dog has all four feet on the floor, immediately squat down and give her attention. She will soon learn that by sitting quietly with all four feet on the floor she will get what she wants.”

• Team up with a friend – “Have your dog sit as a friend approaches. Have your visitor approach your dog instead of allowing your dog to go to the person. If he jumps up to greet them, have the person go away. If he sits, then have the guest reward him with a treat. After a few rounds your dog should figure out that sitting allows him to greet the guest. Be sure to practice regularly with different people to make the behavior a habit.”

One of those techniques should work for your mother. If not, click on the links in the article for more. Keep in mind, my advice is worth every penny paid for it.

Best,

-bo

mom has just planted new flowers,but me has a habbid…
it drives mom nuts…
me eats dirt.
and me only eats it from the pots with flowers.
not dirt out our park,or out our bushes outside,only the pots of dirt on the balcony.
WHY?
is it bad fur me?
mom worry’s about it.
is dirt healthy!
can ya help me mr bo?

bull-boy

—

Dear bull-boy,

Dirt, huh? Grass I can understand, but really, good old fashioned mother-earth flavored dirt? I gotta be honest, I don’t get it. If it were me, I’d rather work my mother for a nice mailman on a stick from Kreature Komforts or a tube steak from the old man.

At least you’re discriminating when it comes to the type of dirt you like, only choosing the potted soil. That gets me to thinking, what kind of soil is your mother using? Does it have some added, yummy manure? Is it infused with slimy worms? Are the flowers actually cattails? I guess what I’m saying is there’s some ingredient in that pot of flowers that you love. Your mother just needs to figure out what it is.

But what if it isn’t the flavor you’re after, what could cause the problem then?

Well there are several other possibilities, one is that the soil eating is due to a deficiency of a mineral substance in your diet. Most dog foods should contain all the nutrients required by a dog.

Another possibility is that although your diet is not lacking any nutrients, you have a problem with your metabolism that is either preventing absorbtion, preventing the use or increasing the loss of these minerals. Although not an emergency I would suggest that you be taken to your vet. Some useful parameters to find out before you go are whether the amount that you drink has changed at all (increased or decreased?) Is your appetite normal? And also any other changes in behavior…that your owners don’t deserve. In case you’re wondering that last bit came from a real vet.

A word of caution, if you crap out a dust storm, you’re eating too much dirt.

-bo

Thanks Bo
your pal
Kodi

—

Dear Pal Kodi,

I don’t know how you read my mind Kodi, but pacing has been first and foremost on my mind recently. You see I’ve been pacing around the house relentlessly, in fact if I were a car I would have been selected as the Indy 500 Pace Car. But I’m not a car, I’m a canine treat-getting machine, who just happens to enjoy ‘sharking’ around my parents.

As for your particular situation, I’m going to state the obvious first. Maybe it’s the sweater you’re wearing? It could be that it’s itchy and that’s why you feel the need to move. Now, if you still pace, even while buck naked, other things may be at play.

I must caution, if the pacing is accompanied with panting, your family should take you to the vets to get you checked out. As you know, it’s a sign that you have some discomfort. One thing I need to stress, make sure you get a dog treat at the check out counter. They’re up their in a jar, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Of course Kodi, you may be pacing to release stress, although I doubt that is the case for you. You seem to have such a good life, but then again maybe you’re the type of dog that sees the water bowl as half empty. Maybe you’re just the nervous type?

One thing to keep in mind is sometimes your owners reward the behavior that they are looking to stop. Are you getting the extra attention you crave by continuing to pace around the house? Be honest.

Finally, maybe you’re pacing because you are a bit hyperactive. Outside of giving you a lot of exercise, which you seem to get plenty of, maybe your owners need to teach you a few verbal commands such as “Down”, showing you repeatedly that they want you to lie down and relax.

So many answers…but which is the right one?

Best of luck,

-bo