The Crying Game

Although people say, “Bo, you look so cute with that arm in your mouth,” others in my canine class aren’t as lucky.

If you’re a Doberman, German Shephard or a Pit Bull people automatically give you a wide berth and the fish eye. Although gentle on the inside they are the stuff of nightmares for the foot soldiers in the US Postal Service.

What’s an owner to do in order to reduce this prejudice? How about this…

Are you sick of people looking at your breed of dog in fear because politicians and the media are saying things like;

“We want to breed these dogs out of existence,”

“They are killing machines on a leash.”

“These breeds don’t belong in our community”

Well worry no longer, Attachchi will be making disguises for all the so called ‘dangerous breeds’. Now you can go to the park with your kids and your dog (like you have been doing for years), without the worry of people thinking you are a bad parent. All our Invisible Breed Products^TM are currently FREE to to responsible dog owners.

What does the Ultra Poodle Disguise Kit for Dobermans^TM contain?

- ‘Tibet’ fake fur pieces (4 ankle pieces, one body piece, head piece and tail attachment)
- Safe suit fitting method statement and instructions.
- High Quality duct tape
- Under harness
- Black face paint (safe for dogs)

Just look at how cute this poodle is.

Ha! Fooled you. That’s actually a doberman!

Just remember, be careful what you chat up at the local watering hole. What you bring home may not be what you expected.

Nuts!

I wish I had parents that looked out for my well being like this lucky guy from the land down under.

No one is going to call Cooktown bull-terrier cross Apollo a sissy.

The macho mutt is the proud owner of a set of silicone testicles that, after desexing, have allowed him to keep at least the appearance of his manhood.

My manhood was taken from me at a very young age as well, but no one has offered up a new set for me to sport around.

Apollo’s owner Sarah Martin parted with $270 to order the implants over the internet from the US.

And when the two-year-old was desexed, Cooktown visiting vet Rod Gilbert popped in the “Neuticals” ensuring the pup remains all-boy on the outside. Ms Martin insisted the solid silicone implants made little difference to Apollo.

I beg to differ. My self esteem went down the tubes after the procedure and it took years of counseling and bottles of prozac to get me back to the canine I am today.

“It was nothing to do with the dog, or if he’d miss them,” Ms Martin told The Cairns Post.

“I don’t think he knows the difference. It was just that I don’t like the look of it.”

There’s a woman who knows what she likes.

But Ms Martin said the replacement testicles were about half the size of his original, real ones.

Which disappointed her because this is a woman who really knows what she likes.

But Apollo, who loves to watch TV and cuddle with his 23-year-old owner, may be a trendsetter on his home patch.

Turns out he’s the only one in his area to have fake balls.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t get addicted to cosmetic surgery like getting liposuction, breast implants or heaven forbid a pug nose job.

Three Mile Morris

Here’s an interesting story that makes a statement about the times we live in. The following is a story told by a border agent at a meeting of 200 San Juan Islanders. He was there to assure citizens that monitoring was taking place on domestic ferry runs. Sensing skepticism in the crowd he told the following story about the monitoring for nuclear dirty bombs on I-5 the feds had been performing.

“Vehicle goes by at 70 miles per hour,” [Joe] Giuliano told the crowd. “Agent is in the median, a good 80 feet away from the traffic. Signal went off and identified an isotope [in the passing car].”

Isotope is not a derogatory term used by the police to identify stupid perps. Nope, isotope’s identify nuclear material.

The agent raced after the car, pulling it over not far from the monitoring spot.

Giuliano and team were in a race against time as they questioned the driver and searched the car. Tens of thousands of people were at risk. Where was the nuke? Where was it?

It turns out, nowhere.

“Turned out to be a cat with cancer that had undergone a radiological treatment three days earlier,” Giuliano said.

That’s some amazing technology, but it doesn’t take away from the fact the cat should have been arrested and sent to Guantanamo. Why? Have you ever known a cat to not have a dirty bomb up its ass?

Conan The Peaceful Barbarian

We all must find our own path. No, not just the one we walk down to pee and poop on, but the one to the big guy in the sky. To that end, I admire this little Chihuahua’s commitment to enlightenment.

The path to inner peace is long and arduous. But sitting on his hind legs, paws raised in reverence before the altar, this enlightened canine may just have discovered the key.

Against a backdrop of swirling incense and solemn chanting, the one-and-a-half-year-old, black-and-white Chihuahua cuts a cheerfully unlikely figure, as he loyally mimics his proud master during morning prayers at the Shuri Kannondo temple in southern Japan.

Of course the chihuahua is mimicking his master. How else to get at the chalupa under his master’s robe?

Conan, originally a temple pet, rises without prompting before his morning and evening meals to go through his prayer routine at the temple in Naha, capital of Okinawa. When his master chants his prayers, known as “sutras”, Conan raises his paws and joins them at the tip of his nose.

When asked the secret of the dog’s devotion, Yoshikuni reveals: “Clasping hands is a basic action of Buddhist prayer to show appreciation. He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks.”

Of course he’s thankful. The Buddhist big guy is truly that…a big, chubby guy. Conan knows Bhudda has treats all over the place and readily available to be eaten; chicken in his begging bowl, ice cream in his singing bowl, and cookie crumbs on his chest. I guarantee you that’s why he’s appreciative.

Well that and the fact that he’s not chanting Halla Ahkbar with a bomb strapped to his back.

However, it may be a step too far to credit the spiritual canine with genuine religious sensibilities. “Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate,” he says, adding: “It’s not like we can make him cross his legs.”

Unless, that is, they short change him on his bathroom breaks.

Hair Of The Dog

What keeps us close to those that have passed through our lives and on to a better world? For most it’s the memories, or maybe a keepsake or picture but for couples like the Willis’ it’s something completely different.

Their beloved dogs may have gone to the great kennel in the sky, but for Beth and Brian Willis they will always be close. Because the couple have had his and hers jumpers knitted out of the hair moulted by the pedigree pets and spun into yarn.

That’s appalling! Nobody wears his and her jumpers anymore.

The idea to use the hair, which would otherwise have been vacuumed up and thrown out with the rubbish, came after dog breeders told the couple of the unusual use it could have.

Mrs Willis said: “It is not actually a hair but a wool, which is why it is so good for clothes.

The local sheep were ecstatic to hear the news, especially the ones with hippie tendencies (pssst…they like their hair long).

That first jumper was made in 1990, while Kara [her white Samoyed] was still alive. Although she died 12 years ago, the jumper made from her hair is still going strong.

Read more

Human Preyers

Belief in a higher power can get you through the tough times. For some people, this higher power is called upon to aid their pets. Just read this story for more…

MASAYA, Nicaragua (Reuters) - Hundreds of dogs, many dressed as babies or clowns, were taken to celebrate mass in this Nicaraguan town on Sunday, an annual ritual where the owners pray for their pets to be cured or avoid falling ill.

My parents took me there years ago, to pray for a cure for my loss of hearing. It wasn’t until years later they realized I was able to hear them, it’s just that I didn’t listen.

A long queue of Catholics, carrying their pets or leading them on leashes, waited their turn to pass by an image of a saint in a tiny church in this town 20 miles to the south of the Nicaragua capital, Managua.

Read more

Survey Says …

Before I’m willing to accept the results of any surveys, I need to see the questions, sampling methodology and treats used to entice the responses. Since the following story doesn’t provide this, I’m skeptical of the results provided.

A distinct lack of ‘pet-iquette’ is leaving pet owners red faced says PDSA!

It’s usual for your children to embarrass you at inopportune moments by saying or doing something, usually in public, that makes you want to crawl under the nearest rock! However, according to leading veterinary charity, PDSA, our pets are leaving us equally red faced when we least expect it. The charity for pets in need of vets has surveyed pet owners* to compile a list of ‘pet-iquette’ moments that have left owners more than a little lost for words! Around one in eight pet owners had embarrassing pet stories to share**.

You think pet-iquette is a problem? What about ‘hu-maniquette’? In my personal survey I found one in two dogs had an embarrassing human story to share.

The anonymous survey, in which pet owners lifted the lid on their most embarrassing pet stories, found that a pet’s natural bodily functions give owners the most cause for humiliation, with calls of nature (29%) and vomiting (5%) top of the list.

Equally embarrassing antics include pets mounting other people, animals breaking wind, either loudly or melodiously in public, and pets being a little too familiar when checking out friends and family!

My survey found several causes leading to pet humiliation with the top three being; throwing good food away (97%), speaking in an irritating baby voice (85%) and failing to sniff a pet’s butt when first meeting it (74%).

“However, it’s important to stress that in some cases medical problems could be the reason for ‘paw’ behaviour.

Indeed, this is true of humans too. In fact, it has been shown that most exhibiting this type of disturbing behavior are sick in the head.

Multiplicity

I’m not quite sure how I feel about this.

A woman from the United States wants her dead pitbull terrier - called Booger - re-created.

So now we’re fully into cloning and one of the first things we’re going to do is clone boogers? Don’t go to all this trouble, just ask my father to give you some. Trust me, he’s got plenty up there to spare.

RNL Bio is charging the woman, from California, $150,000 (£76,000) to clone the pitbull using tissue extracted from its ear before it died.

The work will be carried out by a team from Seoul National University, where the first dog was cloned in 2005.

“There are many people who want to clone their pet dogs in Western countries even at this high price,” company chief executive, Ra Jeong-chan, told the Korea Times.

“More money than sense,” as my old friend Bob the butcher would say. Besides, hasn’t anybody read Pet Semetary on the dangers of reincarnating loved ones? Read more

I Don’t

Well this story is certainly disturbing.

A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for [the death of two dogs] he believes cursed him a newspaper reported Tuesday.

P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

Those close to the ceremony indicated the dowry included gold dog tags, a jewel encrusted collar and a tennis ball.

“After [the death of the two dogs] my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear,” he said in the report.

When asked when he realized he was cursed, Selvakumar said, “What?”

The paper said an astrologer had told Selvakumar the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. It did not say whether his situation had improved.

The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.

A bun? More like the shaft if you ask me.

Million Poop March

It seems the folks in the UK are trying to clean up the streets. To that end they will be providing one million free poop scoop bags to dog owners.

One million free “poop scoop” bags are being handed out to dog owners in East Durham in a bid to combat dog fouling.Easington District Council is giving away the bags to remind owners to take their responsibility to clean up after their pets seriously.

‘No excuse’

As part of the campaign residents are also being urged to report incidents of dog mess.

Councillor George Patterson, executive member for liveability, said: “Our environmental and street wardens are constantly on the lookout for people flouting the law so I would urge residents to pick up their share of free bags and make sure they use them.”

The Brits are very proper, so I’m going to say it since apparently they’re afraid to. It’s not a dog mess or dog fouling; it’s called poop, poo, chocolate sauce, black banana, doodie, kaka, lumpy fart, stanley steamer, etc. You get the point. Don’t be shy, just bark it out loud.

Under the Dogs (Fouling of Land) Act 1996, anyone failing to clean up after their pet could face a £50 fixed penalty fine or even a court appearance, with a possible fine of up to £1,000.

£1,000? Wow! Imagine the size of that dump.

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