Dog Turns Owner Over to Police

I’m not a snitch.

When my father rolls in at midnight after boys’ night out, I don’t bark to alert my mother of his arrival. I wait, knowing he’ll dig into the fridge for something to eat. Sure it might be a week old plate of spaghetti or a plate of tuna salad from an era long gone by, but like him I’m not proud, just hungry.

When my sister Moose captures a mouse, chews its head off and brings it into the house, I don’t bark a thing. It’s not my place. My place is in the corner, to watch my mother discover it and scream in horror. Why would I want to break up the surprise?

Speaking of surprises I don’t bark when my father comes home with Christmas presents either. Why spoil the heartfelt gifts of a swiffer, a toaster oven and a set of pans. Romance baby…the man is all romance.

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Cliff Diving Dog Survives Plunge

I jumped into a lake once.

Not on purpose, but by accident. You see there was this leaf, cleverly disguised as a big rock, floating in the lake a few feet below me. I thought it was a perfect place for a photo opp. Humans love those.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, is there anything more majestic than a beautiful mixed breed dog, dressed up in his best fur suit, sitting in front of a colorful landscape that only fall can offer?  Of course not. Especially when that pup is me.

So I closed my eyes and jumped on the ‘rock’. Much to my amazement my paws did not stop on a hard surface, but rather plunged into the depths of the lake.Water went up my nose and I gasped for air. It seemed an eternity until I resurfaced.

With oxygen back in my lungs, I swam back to shore and struggled up the two foot embankment. It’s a good thing I had my wits about me because my parents were too busy laughing to save me.

As revenge my father’s Chuck Taylor’s did not fare very well that night.

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The Smell Of Love Is In The Air

I may be a day late and a milkbone short on today’s story, but it’s the thought that counts.

As some of you know, well 3% according to a recent survey, this past weekend was Valentine’s Day. I’m not one for love and cuddling because a day on the calendar tells me to do so. No, I do it because I want to. Ok, maybe not so much the love part, but the cuddling is to die for.

I admit Valentine’s Day has me a little miffed. The typical gifts of candy and flowers just don’t do it for me. Flowers? What am I supposed to do with them? Sure they might come in handy at Rocky the Squirrel’s funeral, but let’s be honest, I won’t get the invite. Read more

Bloodhound of a Different Kind

Bloodhound.

When I first heard the term I didn’t know what to think. On the one paw it sounds really good. I mean what’s not to like about a bloody steak, a bloody snot rag in the garbage, or my father, a bloody fool.

On the other paw, massive amounts of blood makes me woozy. Yeah I know I’m a dog and I’m supposed to be  tough, but I gotta tell ya if  I had to hunt and kill my own food, I’d become a vegan. Blueberries rarely make a blood curdling scream.

Then there’s all the rage these days about vampires. Is bloodhound another way of saying vampire dog? It used to be when I heard Twilight, I only thought about the Zone I lived in. Nowadays Twilight is the time of day I have to look over my shoulder when I go pee pee. Speaking of which, where did I put that garlic?

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Cowabunga Dude

I like cows.

Especially covered in cheese, ketchup and in between two buns (hey, I’ll be here all week folks!).

Well, it turns out cows can be quite menacing. Really.

I’m not just talking about those heifers defacing local billboards, but real moo moos. The kind that hang loose in open fields chewing their cud, and the creators of tournament quality cow chips.

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Red Pandas Saved by White Dog

I don’t mean to sound uppity, but dogs make everyone’s lives better.

Seriously, think about what the world would look like if canines weren’t around?

I surmise it would look like the world Mad Max thrived in; dusty, desolate and filled with savage acts of brutality. Before I get deluged with e-mails let me state that I know Max had a dog, but one that had mutated from man-made nuclear exposure. Not like the dogs you know and love today. I would like to point out that cats weren’t tough enough to make it through the apocalypse.

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Judge Gets Himself a Six Pack

You ever notice how many dog heroes are out there?

There’s Lassie saving everyone in the midwest from dying in wells, and Hooch handcuffing every perp in his small city, and of course me saving my parents from a life more ordinary.

There are so many pups doing good things I could fill up the entire internet citing them all. But why tell you something you already know.

So that got me to thinking about cat heroes and whether there are any.

There’s Garfield, a dimwitted overweight cat hell bent on capturing more food, however that’s about as heroic as Sallie Struthers rolling a bum for Burger King money. Of course there’s Sylvester P. Pussycat but the only thing he ever saved was his appetite for a defenseless bird. And then you have Catwoman, but the only one I know who thinks she is a hero is the Penguin. And let’s face it, penguins aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack (have you ever seen March of Penguins?).

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Dogs Save Heroes One at a Time

I recently read a survey that most dogs don’t like vets. I was shocked to hear those results.

I mean, what’s not to like? The camouflage? The ability to relieve themselves on a battlefield? It certainly can’t be the yummy  c-rations.

Then I realized the survey was talking about veterinarians, not veterans. That made me feel better.

Well, since I’ve stumbled upon the subject, let me just send a quick thank you for all the members of the armed forces. Read more

Dog Saves Owner from Quicksand Death

Color me skeptical.

That’s my reaction to today’s story about a hero dog. I know it’s in my best interest to promote the heroes among the canine class, but I have to keep my integrity intact if I’m to continue to serve the faithful readers out there.

Let’s be honest, would there be anything worse than compromising my honor and then being compared to cats that shill for the local 9-lives club? I guess being part of the club would be worse, but that’s about it.

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War and Peace – Canine Version

I have to give credit where credit is due.

I always thought I was the most prolific message leaver in all the world. No fire hydrant, tree or human leg was safe from my lemonade stream of consciousness.

Heck, the first draft of my book was written with this invisible ink. Fortunately for me, I didn’t lose anything because I had it backed up with a hefty aroma (just a friendly reminder for all of you out there to always back up your work).

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