Just Say No

Drugs. I don’t clearly remember how I’ve become addicted to them. It may have been my parents pushing them on me or maybe it was me demanding them. It’s all so hazy now. All I know is that I ‘need’ to have each and every one of my pills to keep me going every day. That’s why this story on an owner pilfering his dog’s drugs is so upsetting.

DES MOINES, Iowa - A Des Moines man who was arrested for driving while intoxicated apparently took his dog’s pills by mistake.

Authorities say that Clarence Fenton had phenobarbital in his system when he crashed his sport utility vehicle into a utility pole last November. It took several months for the results of the blood tests that showed the drug in Fenton’s system.

Police say they found a bottle of pills prescribed for “Saturn” at the scene. They say Fenton admitted taking pills and that “Saturn” is his dog.

Phenobarbital is a drug used to control seizures in people and pets.

It is not a drug to be taken if your owner’s primary goal is to avoid utility poles. It says so in the fine print, under side effects, right after ‘Taking this drug may result in weight gain, anorexia, uncontrollable gas attacks and/or crapping yourself in public’. Read more

Boot Camp

It didn’t dawn on me until I was five years old why people wore shoes. It also happened to be the same year I slit my paw pad open on a sharp rock, losing two pints of good old fashioned Bo blood. So delicious, ask any vampire.

Seeing the benefits of protecting a canine’s paws on treacherous ground conditions, Chinese firefighters decided to do something about it.

Rescue dogs working with Chinese firefighters have been given leather shoes.

The picture is of rescue dog Lu Feng showing off his leather boots. Out of the camera’s view, but ahead of him, was his married sister, Ms. Feng-Shui. Some of you may have heard of her. Read more

High Anxiety

I’ve been feeling somewhat anxious lately and decided to do a little research to help alleviate my stress. I was extremely happy when I ran across this article titled “Got Stress? Pet Consultant Dogs Do.” Imagine my disappointment when I realized the talk was given to allow a dog park to be built near a little league baseball field in Maine and not just to focus on canine well being. But still, there are some interesting tidbits for you to ponder.

BELFAST, Maine - Just like their human owners, dogs suffer from stress.

“The big reason for stress in dogs is our inability to understand what they are saying,” Don Hanson told about 50 pet owners gathered at the Abbott Room of the Belfast Free Library on Saturday.

As I like to say to my father, “What part of woof! don’t you understand?” Apparently, all of it.

Hanson, a dog behavior consultant, pet trainer and owner of Green Acres Kennel Shop in Bangor, was invited to discuss dog behavior by the dog park subcommittee of the Friends of Belfast Parks.

Hanson told the dog lovers that close observation is required to detect signs of stress in their pets.

Identifying behavioral signals given by dogs during group play could have a role in the success of the dog park.

A few behavioral signals and their meaning:

Lifting of back leg while tilting forward - “If you don’t get out of the way, you will be my property”

Laying with belly exposed - “Good touch, no bad touch”

Flashing teeth - “Check out how well my Crest Whitestrips are working”

Direct eye contact while growling - “Are you available for dinner?”

Sitting while pawing the air - “I’d like a taste of your ice cream cone”

A pug with a gun - “Your candy or your life”

Construction of the park is on hold while committee members and the Belfast Little League iron out some problems. The fenced park will be built next to the baseball field, and league organizers are concerned about safety and smells.

I understand the concern, boys can be rather smelly.

Committee member Carol Good said that the group has raised $39,000 for the park and that the fence and other materials had already been purchased. Good thanked those who supported the project and said additional funds were needed to complete the first phase of construction.

Hanson said the biggest problem when dogs are stressed is aggression. He said some dogs can cope with stress well while others handle it poorly. He said pet owners had to learn how to recognize the “calming signals” dogs revert to when they are stressed out and owners should attempt to remove the dog from that particular situation.

Who doesn’t get stressed out after going 0 for 4 with 3 strikeouts? The only way I get over an outing like that is a stop by the local Bruster’s for a hot fudge sundae. Without the hot fudge…because that can kill me.

“Your dog has a part of the brain for rational thought and learning. When your dog is really stressed, the operating system for learning is turned off,” he said. “Stress can become chronic, and when it becomes chronic, it becomes an issue.”

Excessive sniffing, yawning, averting its eyes, licking its nose, squinting and scratching are among the most easily recognized calming signals, he said.

Based upon the amount of time I lick my privates, I must be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Humans are really ignorant of the needs and ways of communicating with dogs. We expect a dog to come into our house and understand English,” Hanson said.

C’mon, humans should know by now that we only speak Latin.

Pills Barry

Here’s another reason why dogs are better than cats. Just look at how difficult it is to medicate the felines.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Insurance Claims

It appears what ails the human healthcare/insurance business is spreading to the pet side of the house as well.

Some vets are carrying out costly, non-essential procedures, which could be leading to increased premiums for pet owners, a leading insurer has said.

The increasing cost of claims means insurers have had to increase premiums.

Just under a quarter of all cat and dog owners hold an insurance plan in case their pets need treatment - and that figure is growing.

Wow…I’m surprised that the number of pets covered is that high. I know my parents recently tried to get insurance for me but thought it wasn’t cost effective. Apparently the average insurance premium for a dog over 16 years of age is somewhere between five and six thousand dollars per month. Based on my recent history, that’s actually not out of line.

Figures from Petplan, the biggest provider of pet insurance in the UK, show the average claim per condition has nearly doubled in five years to £715 for a dog and £501 for a cat.

Wendy Dean, from Warwickshire, said she was horrified when she was told that the insurance premiums for Jo-Jo and Robyn, her two five-year-old cocker spaniels, had risen by 58% and 68%.

You know what else has doubled over the past five years? My prostate.

“What we see is a tendency to select more expensive and elegant forms of diagnosis over something more pragmatic,” said Mr Price.
“If MRI is not clinically indicated as the necessary means of diagnosis when an x-ray would have been perfectly sufficient, we do tend to question why on earth that diagnostic technique was chosen.”

Although I suspect Mr. Price wouldn’t hold that view it if it was his health in question.

Nick Blaynay, president of the British Veterinary Association, agreed that it was becoming more expensive to insure a pet but said rising costs were for a number of reasons.

One was that there were now “extremely expensive techniques” available to vets.

Extremely expensive techniques like full body scans, complete blood analysis and expressing fully loaded anal glands.

However, he strongly denied vets were doing anything inappropriate.

“The vet should always put the welfare of the animal before any other consideration. If he doesn’t, shame on him.”

You know what’s really shameful? Taking an elderly dog’s temperature by sticking a thermometer up his ass.

Dog, Interrupted

Nothing surprising in this article but you know me, I can’t keep my muzzle shut.

(NewsTarget) According to a recent study, dogs may be man’s best friend in more ways than previously thought.

The study, written by Dr. Deborah Wells of Queen’s University, Belfast, for the British Journal of Health Psychiatry, found that dog owners tend to suffer less from ill health, have lower cholesterol, and lower blood pressure.

Dog owners also have cleaner floors, cleaner plates and cleaner faces.

Citing a 1995 study, Dr. Wells stated that dog owners who had suffered heart attacks were 8.6 percent more likely to be alive one year following their heart attacks than patients that did not own dogs.

Not cited was that dog owners who had suffered heart attacks were 100% more likely to be alive one year following their heart attacks than patients that were dead.

“It is possible that dogs can directly promote our well-being by buffering us from stress,” said Dr. Wells. “The ownership of a dog can also lead to increases in physical activity and psychological human health in a more indirect manner.”

Dr. Aaron Katcher, emeritus professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, has found “much evidence that social support is a critical variable in the recovery from many serious biological disorders, including psychiatric illness,” during the course of his studies on human and animal interaction.

Read more

Prozac Dog Nation

Here’s a really depressing story, not because an animal was treated cruelly, but for what it says about the world we canines live in.

The makers of Prozac have launched their first ever antidepressant for dogs, a once-a-day chewable tablet flavoured with beef.

Huh? Beef flavored treats? Nobody said this drug was coming in a Flintstone vitamin delivery method. I’m starting to feel a bit anxious (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

The product, known as Reconcile, received approval from the Federal Drugs Administration in the United States today for use on dogs suffering from separation anxiety from being left alone for long periods.

Eli Lilly, which makes the new drug, says that more than 10 million US dogs exhibit strange symptoms from being left alone too long.

Strange symptoms such as sleeping all day, begging for food all night and leaving the dirty dishes in the sink unwashed.

“Lilly research shows that 10.7 million, or up to 17 per cent, of US dogs suffer from separation anxiety,” said Steve Connell, Lilly’s manager of consumer services for companion animal health.

“We’re thrilled that our first product for dogs can help restore the human-pet bond.”

“We will make a boat load of money off of humanity’s disregard for its best friend,” he said. Quickly adding, “Please don’t print that.” Read more

Mango Lassie

It all started centuries ago when pilgrims, their dogs and the bounty of their harvest was shared with the Indians, their dogs and their bounty. Now Thanksgiving has turned into a great big holiday that all canines look forward to. The amount of leftovers inevitably leads to a lot of scraps being shared, and rightfully so. Unfortunately for Mango, her owner shared a little too much and a little too quickly.

LAKE OSWEGO, Ore. - Thanksgiving was a hard holiday at the Stapleton home in Lake Oswego, hardest of all on Mango, the family’s 2-pound teacup poodle.

She got the stuffing knocked out of her.

Was Mango a stuffed animal? Not so my friend.

Joe, an anesthesiologist and pain-management specialist, said he didn’t realize any dogs were in the kitchen as he busily prepared a Thanksgiving feast for that afternoon’s family gathering.

As Joe stuffed the bird, it swiveled on the kitchen counter, knocking a heavy pot of stuffing - bam! - to the kitchen floor. He reached to retrieve the pot, and there lay Mango.

“Oh, no!” Roxanne remembered hearing him cry. “She’s dead.”

At the Pearly Gates, Mango was asked, “How did you die?”

“Oh, I had the stuffing knocked on top of me,” she replied.

“You mean you had the stuffing knocked out of you.”

“No, it was on me.”

To which St. Peter said, “Well…that’s no way to go, even for a fru fru dog like you. I will send you back.”

Joe scooped up the pocket-sized pooch and pressed his ear to her chest. He didn’t hear a heartbeat.

He’d performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on plenty of humans, he said, but never had tried it on a dog.

He held Mango in his left hand and started chest compressions with his right. When he breathed into her nostrils, Joe said, he could feel the dog’s lungs inflate.

(When asked if giving mouth-to-snout resuscitation was icky, Joe replied: “Most dog owners are used to kissing their dogs. It’s not much different.”)

Read more

The O.C.D.

What was that? Was that a treat in my father’s hand? Where is it? Where? Where? Is it in the left hand? Is it in the right? Where is it? I know it’s there. Look at the left hand, look at the right hand, smell it in the air…hmm where is it? Where? Where?

You’ve been there, transformed and fixated on something. For me it’s usually a treat, for others it’s their tail. Now researchers are looking at the underlying reasons for compulsive disorder in canines and other animals.

Dr. Nicholas Dodman and Dr. Alice Moon-Fanelli, both of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine, have been collecting data and DNA samples for years, and are now on the verge of discovering the genetic key to compulsive disorders in dogs.

What is the focus of the study you ask?

The Tufts researchers are primarily looking at flank sucking and blanket sucking in Doberman pinchers and compulsive tail chasing in bull terriers…

OK…a couple of observations here. First, Doberman’s are slow to grow out of puppyhood. So, not only will they suck on blankets but they will also suck their thumbs well into their teens. Nothing abnormal there. As for bull terriers chasing their tails; let’s be honest,they weren’t put on this earth to solve world peace. Sometimes a low IQ can explain a lot. Read more

It’s A Wonderful Life

George Bailey learned it the hard way; seeing what would the world have become if he hadn’t existed at all. I gotta believe it’s the same journey taken by his namesake, Bailey the dog.

During a visit to Lake Anne near Reston, Va., with his family, police officer Lance Hamilton administered mouth-to-snout resuscitation to his dog, Bailey, after the dog was injured near a dock, the Centre View (Va.) Connection reported. The dog was injured while in the water as he fetched a ball.

Perfect technique led to the resuscitation.

Hamilton held the dog’s mouth closed and breathed rescue breaths through the snout while uncle Greg Dunphy gave chest compressions, reviving Bailey after about a minute.

But what happened to injure Bailey?

A veterinarian who cared for Bailey said the dog was electrocuted and had water in his lungs. An electrical problem on the dock was found soon after and fixed before anyone else could be injured, the newspaper reported.

So if Bailey the dog hadn’t survived that jump from the bridge into the icy waters of the local river the previous Christmas, think of all the people that may have been electrocuted had he not been around to ‘test’ the waters this time? Surely Bailey knew this and is a hero for it…and if the bell I just heard is any indication, Clarence the labradoodle just got his wings.

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