Cat Comes Back From The Dead

Church.

I’m not talking about the place of worship. No, friends, I’m talking about the scariest of all creatures. Specifically the cat in Stephen King’s Pet Semetary.

You may remember him as the cat that was run over by a truck in the story, buried and then summoned back to life. Once back among the ‘living’ he was anything but a normal, annoying cat.

There was something wrong, something sinister about him. It’s as if he were dead, but alive. Strange indeed, but then again he was a cat, so who could really tell?

Thank goodness this was just a story made up in the mind of Mr. King. Bringing a cat back to life; the man’s mind is truly sinister! Surely something like this couldn’t happen in the real world.

Or could it?

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Dog Rescued From Can of Cat Food

You ever get so hungry you’d eat cat poop?

I know I have, but sometimes the litter box is empty forcing me to scrounge around the house looking for alternatives.

I’ll check under the couch cushions (the old man is a slob and lots of food gets stuck there, along with a lot of change), on top of short tables and even go so far as to check the bathroom floor.

Of course my personal favorite thing to do when  I’m at starvation death’s door is to go the way of the garbage pail. I knock it over, spread around the goodies and feast on rotting, leftover human food. Mmmm, tasty. Read more

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Dog Painting Gone Bad

I’m an artist.

I dabble in an impressionist style, but rather than using vibrant colors, I enjoy the use of an earth tone pallete instead. You could say I favor the color brown above all.

Sometimes my canvas is filled with heavy, oil painting type strokes. Other times it’s like a light watercolor coating. Regardless, the end result is a masterpiece worthy of the Louvre.

Inexplicably, my mother is not a fan of my painting. The subject matter is highly entertaining ranging from stick figures, to bigger stick figures to paw prints. Doesn’t matter, she hates my work.

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Duck Out of Water

I heart all baked goods.

During Christmas I always enjoy my mother’s demented, serial killing gingerbread men, her  leaning tower of Pisa pound cake, and most of all the sugar cookies she buys from the Publix bakery.

Overall, I’d say my favorites are peanut butter cookies, liver flavored cupcakes and bone marrow muffins. MMM, mmm, good.

Of course my cullinary exploration must stop at the border of Chocolate City. Many a pup has ventured in, but not one has come out.

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Cat Thinks It’s a Chick

I’m not sure what I want to become when I grow up.

Yeah I know time is running out, with me being 17 and all, but once you give up on your dream there’s not much left.

So here’s a partial list of what I’d like to become:

1) Firehouse dog Read more

A Bright Idea

My mother is a candle freak.

No, I mean it. She lights candles in every room of the house, presumably for the smell. She must be heavily invested in Yankee Candle stock.

One thing’s for sure, she doesn’t light them to get my old man in a romantic mood. Heck, to him a night of romance is eating a rack of bbq ribs, watching Dumb and Dumber, and farting under the covers.

His repertoire lacks lit candles. You’ll find nothing flickering in the bedroom, or  around the bath tub, or in between my bowl of water and kibble. I guess it’s just not in his DNA to create a loving mood.

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Jackass Runs For Mayor

The world of politics is filled with jackasses.

That’s the only way to make sense of what’s going on in the world today.

I’m not going to get into my personal beliefs on how to cure the world’s ills, just know that I have a plan, and that plan would save the world from itself.

Why not share it? Well, I’m too tired to spread the word.

So, for now, I’ll sit back and watch the world continue down its ruinous path. I can only hope that a few rays of sunshine turn into a sunny day and all will be well with the world again.

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Gelding Forced to Adopt Ducks

As I wrote in my book, Bad to the Bone: Memoir of a Rebel Doggie Blogger, you don’t have much of a choice as to who adopts you.

Even a fun loving, outgoing and lovable mutt like me had to have a couple of goes at it before landing my forever folks, but I was lucky.

Imagine being a duck and being adopted by a horse. That’s right, an equine.

That got me to thinking, what if that was me in that situation? How much fun could cuddle time be if I’m worried about my safety? Let’s be honest, once Mama Secretariat rolls over, I’m dead.

What about primping time before heading out to talk up the local chihuahuas? Well, I’ve never seen a hoof that can hold a furminator, or be able to spray a healthy dose of Old Spice on my neck.

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Snake Can’t Kick Cigarette Habit

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. It’s a sure path to ruin.

I don’t partake in any of it. Heck, I won’t even consider the gateway activity to getting there. You know, smoking.

Sure I get peer pressure to take a toke on a Virginia Slim or a Marlboro Light, but no matter how much Ruger the boxer insists, I just won’t inhale.

The reason is simple. If I’m  going to inhale something that isn’t healthy, it’s going to be a Whopper from BK, or dare I say it, a Big Mac from McDees. Yeah life expectancy is cut short by six months for each one you eat, but at least your enjoying the taste. Read more

Superdog Flies Over NY

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have super powers? You know, the ability to do something really special.

A dog’s well documented skill set includes super smelling senses, super gulping power and super poo that heals the young. But what if that’s not enough for us, if we want to be better than that?

I know what I’d want. I would add to my repertoire x-ray vision, if only to see under the flirtatious Shaggy Dog’s coat that prances around my neighborhood. I know that sounds wrong, and it probably is, but I tell it like it is.

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