That’s right, your fuzzy hero has a fear of the slinky kind. Maybe it’s because I remember the day, when I was a mere pup, when a snake crawled into our den to vie for my mother’s nipple. When I attempted to push it away, it bit me. Needless to say I thrashed it to death. However, the mark on my psyche lives on to this day.

Some may think I made that story up and the real reason I’m afraid of snakes is because I’m a girlie dog. Well you can’t prove it can you.

Anyway, I, a macho dog, still run in the opposite direction of any snake that crosses my path due to this puphood incident. Not only is this a good idea, it should be a law.

Don’t believe me? Then check out this  story from News.Com.

HE’S never had a nose for trouble before but black labrador Bronson sure knows how to turn heads with his retrieving tricks.

The champion obedience dog stunned his Victorian owners when he recently returned to them to proudly show off his latest find.

Locked firmly in his jaws and coiled around his snout was a long, live snake, believed to be a deadly copperhead.

“He’s normally an excellent duck dog but he’ll pick up absolutely anything and return it to us, hanging on to it until we say ‘give’,” Deborah Allen said.

“My husband Peter didn’t know he’d lost his mobile phone out in a paddock recently until Bronson returned with it in his mouth.”

The couple were lucky to be at home together at their property at Yarragon on January 4 when Mr Allen called out to his wife: “Hey, come and look at this.”

“There was Bronson with the snake hanging out of his mouth and the snake’s body wrapped around his nose,” Ms Allen said.

“We weren’t sure if it was alive or not and we touched its head which was down at ground level and it moved – it appeared slightly stunned.”

As they grappled with a plan to deal with the snake, Mr Allen told his wife to quickly take a photo first.

“He didn’t reckon anyone would believe it,” she said.

With a camera always by her side, Ms Allen captured the stunning sight as perfectly obedient Bronson, 11, remained totally rigid, trained not to move his head while carrying anything he had retrieved.

“But he had a real forlorn look on his face like he was saying ‘Hurry up and take this thing’,” Ms Allen said.

Ms Allen said their second labrador, Madeline, usually tried to steal anything Bronson was carrying.

“But this is the first time ever she wouldn’t have a bar of him. She kept well away.”

Ms Allen found a chaff bag and lowered it to the ground, pulling the bag up and over the snake while at the same time releasing its body which remained wrapped around Bronson’s snout.

“And as soon I said ‘Give’ he dropped it right into the bag and we sealed up the ends.”

With the snake safely stored, the pair rushed Bronson to the West Gippsland Veterinary Centre where a coagulation blood test confirmed Bronson had copped a bite.

Four days in hospital followed on a drip, but Bronson is now happily at home.

Four days in the hospital without a treat no doubt. Just another reason to steer clear of ‘em.

I wouldn’t, for example, eat a wig covered in the creamy stuff, if only because it would take forever to get the hair out of my mouth. I also wouldn’t chow down on a tent peg or a fishing hook. But that’s just me.

Apparently, some of my compatriots have different tastes. Just take a look at this list compiled by PDSA PetAid hospitals.

Underwear, a kitchen knife and a wig have made a list of the top 10 weirdest items removed from the stomachs of the nation’s pets by an animal charity’s vets.

The list, released by PDSA, also includes a 10-inch tent peg, a bell, a fishing hook and a rubber duck.

PDSA senior veterinary surgeon, Sean Wensley, said: ‘There is a medical term for pets eating strange objects – pica.

‘Dogs, especially puppies and younger dogs, use their mouth to investigate objects as well as to eat. Sometimes a dog will swallow an object by mistake, even though it had only meant to investigate it.

Sounds like these dogs should be teamed up with Maxwell Smart. Here’s the list of the top twenty items:

1. Ten-inch tent peg
2. Christmas decoration (star shaped)
3. Kitchen knife
4. Alphabet fridge magnets
5. Man’s wig
6. Ann Summers underwear
7. Bell
8. Fishing hook
9. Socks
10. Rubber duck
11. Baby’s dummy
12. Golf balls
13. Coins
14. Balloons
15. Metal ball from a computer mouse
16. Shoe laces
17. Power ball
18. Corn on the cob
19. Needle and thread
20. Box of chocolates

Can I just comment on a few of the items above? I can? Thank you.

#4 – Alphabet fridge magnets-makes me wonder what the hungry pooch would have spelled when the letters came out the poop shoot. Maybe it would have been something like, “Help Me! I’m being held hostage by two psychopathic owners.”

Of course a phrase like that would require a healthy prostate to double as a spell checker.

#6 – Ann Summers’ underwear – I don’t know who Ann Summers is, but if her underwear is all the way at number six on the list, she must be a regular dumper in her drawers.

#11 – Baby’s dummy – My guess is this is the same as a canine’s dummy. If so, quite impressive to be able to swallow an owner whole, altough I would surmise it takes some of the bitterness out of the treat.

#17 – Powerball – Hmmm, I wish they’d tell us what numbers they found. That way I could take them out of my lottery number rotation and increase my chance of winning.

After reading this list, I think I’ll just stick to the basics.

When I hear that phrase, I ask why? I mean, why risk a hip fracture? Why risk a twisted paw? Why risk leaving mother earth for even a split second?

When I bark “jump”, my owners know it’s time for them to jump off the couch and let me out, or in, depending on the circumstances. It’s to the point where I just move my jowls without making a peep. In the flash of eye, they drool and spring to life to open the door.

It’s a nice party trick but it’s got nothing on what Taiwanese dogs are doing to control their human counterparts. There’s gold in them there poops and Reuters has the full story.

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A city in central Taiwan is offering shopping vouchers to volunteer dog waste collectors in a bid to clean up a perennial problem caused by the large number of stray animals island-wide.

City officials in Taichung, which has a population of one million, said on Wednesday the environmental protection bureau would give vouchers worth 100 Taiwan dollars ($3) for every kilo of dog poo collected. In areas of the city especially affected, the reward will be for every half-kilo.

“By means of offering rewards, the bureau hopes to goad the public into spontaneous clean-up efforts that protect the environment,” the city council said on its website.

The problem began in the 1980s, when Taiwan saw a boom in pet dogs following economic success, but now residents complain about the canine menace and the government has been fighting the issue for years.

After all these years, who would have thought my bowel movements were a money making machine.

In this day and age where everything from rabies shots to dog park access to where you can poop is legislated by unscrupulous humans it’s hard not to fall on the wrong side of the law at least a few times.

For instance, yesterday I was caught waddling along at 1 mph in the left lane of our local walking park. Regulations say this lane is reserved for those cruising by at least twice that pace.

Sure I was breaking the law but shouldn’t there be one for the inappropriateness of others barking, “Move over Q-tip” at you?

Then there was the time I peed on a neighbor’s mailbox, and some of their newly planted pansies. It was an appropriate response to a Maltese’s scathing message to the pups in the neighborhood. Well, the next thing you know, the owner comes flying out of the house like I was in the process of stealing her last pig’s ear. Did I break the law? Technically yes, but this woman didn’t realize the life giving goodness of my home made lemonade. Today, those pansies stand 5 foot high.

I guess breaking simple laws like the one above are nothing compared to real crime like the one perpetrated by a pit bull in Houston. KHOU 11 has the story.

HOUSTON—Rosie Sanchez rushed home Wednesday morning when a neighbor called to say her home was being burglarized.

She made it home in time to see the suspect was a real animal who was being led away on a leash.

Neighbors near the intersection of Antoine Drive and West Gulf Bank have been complaining for several days about a pit bull roaming from house to house.

Wednesday morning, Diana Session noticed the same pit bull clawing at the front window of Rosie Sanchez’s home. Sanchez was away at work and her Chihuahua and a Yorkshire Terrier were inside the home alone.

Session was shocked when she looked at the house again a few minutes later. This time the pit bull was on the other side of the window. It was inside the house.

“I’m like, ‘Oh my God.’ I couldn’t believe that dog was in there,” Session said.

The dog had pushed open the back door of the Sanchez home and wandered inside. He was inside playing with the smaller dogs for at least an hour, according to the neighbor.

Diana Session, an amateur photographer, took several photos of the “burglary.” She found it remarkable that the smaller dogs were OK.

Rosie Sanchez returned home in time to see the “suspect” taken into custody. She’s still cleaning up the evidence of his visit.

“It’s just a mess,” she said as she gave us a tour of the damaged furniture, scattered trash and dog food. The dog also overturned stereo and gaming equipment and left a puddle of urine underneath her dining room table.

“I mean, you can just see the dog just tore through so much. It’s very amazing to me that he got in. It really is,” Sanchez said.

Houston’s Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care confirmed to 11 News it does have custody of the pit bull burglar and is searching for its owner. If no owner is found, it would likely be put up for adoption even with its unusual criminal record.

Just another case of dog on dog crime. Can’t we just focus on cats first?

There’s a video of the crime story at this link.

Photo courtesy of Diana Session

I’m driven…everywhere.

In the summer my rides usually only get me to the park, but during fall and spring my destinations are diversified to include Home Depot, Publix and Rover’s House of Pancakes.

Regardless of season I’m always driven to the vet’s. What, you don’t expect me to walk there do you?

The only problem with this arrangement is that I don’t get to go on my schedule. It is dictated by my control freak parents.

Oh how things would change if I had the courage to take the keys into my own paws and do what the pup in the following story did. TVNZ has the details.

A dog that crashed his owner’s car into a Cromwell cafe has been let off with a warning, along with his owner.

And police say they want others to heed the message not to leave pets and children unattended in vehicles, especially with the keys in.

It was one of those moments they will talk about for years to come – the day the Fusee Rouge cafe had a ram raid with a dog at the wheel.

“The dog is five-and-a-half years of age. His name is Wilco,” says Senior Constable John Chambers of Cromwell police.

Wilco’s owner had stopped his ute to buy beer, leaving the motor running. The dog jumped up on the column gear stick.

Thirty years of policing had not prepared Chambers for what he found in the driver’s seat.

“When I arrived, to my disbelief I found it was a dog that was responsible for causing the damage,” he says.

The owner has been let off with a warning.

“The owner at the moment is very much like his dog with tail between his legs,” says Chambers.

But there is a point to this shaggy dog story – a key message. Always take the keys out of the car with you.

Unless your dog has errands to run.

It’s a little known fact, but they love to play pranks, tell jokes and just be the center of comedic attention.

My sister Copper, who everyone thought was a Rhodesian Ridgeback, actually has a bit of pit bull flowing through her veins. Anyone that knows her will tell you she’s got a great sense of humor. Her favorite topic…farts.

She loves to bring up the subject every chance she gets. First thing in the morning after a poop and a shave…fart. Mid-day at lunch just before her walk…fart. Early afternoons when my father is on conference calls…fart. At the dinner table…fart. I think you get the idea.

The great thing about it is that it never gets old. Even Copper startles herself at times at the frequency. No problem though…fart, shake and move to the next spot on the floor, all the while giggling under her breath.

Another pit bull showcasing a classic sense of humor is the one in the following story.  The FayObserver has the full details.

The tires on a Cumberland County deputy’s patrol car were no match for a pit bull that bit and flattened them Sunday, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

The dog deflated all four tires on the cruiser of a deputy who was responding to a complaint about another dog, said Debbie Tanna, spokeswoman for the Sheriff’s Office.

Bass reported that a dog was chasing her daughter, who was riding a bicycle, and trying to bite the back tire.

Deputy Lynn Lavallis was sent to investigate and found nothing when she arrived – no dog and no girl riding a bicycle, Tanna said.

Lavallis parked her cruiser in Bass’ driveway and went to speak with the woman.

That’s when Bass’ dog, a pit bull, went on the attack, biting the four tires.

“The dog didn’t try to attack the deputy. He just doesn’t like tires,” Tanna said.

A wrecker from the county’s vehicle maintenance fleet brought four new tires, Tanna said.

Bass will be billed for the cost of the tires, Tanna said.

No doubt the pit bull was in the dog house after this prank. But I’d bet milkbones to dollars he was laughing in there. Fortunately for him, my sister Copper wasn’t there with him.

Would they give up some of their hard earned cash? How about the time needed to nurse you back to health after a serious illness? Would they commit a crime if it meant keeping you in their lives?

I know my parents’ answers: yes, yes, no.

What can I say, they’re law abiding citizens. That means the purchase of medical marijuana for my glaucoma from Chachi down at the street corner is out, but they wouldn’t hesitate flying me to San Francisco to drop me off at a cannabis club. They’re strange folks, but who am I to judge.

Well, a woman in Wyoming shows how far she’d go to save her precious pit-bull. The Casper Star-Tribune has all the details.

Police arrested a Casper woman last weekend in connection to a burglary at the animal shelter where her pit bull was being held.

Jessica Johnson, 26, was booked on suspicion of burglary and conspiracy following the early Saturday morning break-in at Metro Animal Control in Casper, police said.

Police responding to a security alarm at the shelter found the pit bull running outside the building. The same dog had been taken to Metro Animal Control a day earlier after Johnson ran from officers following a traffic stop.

Responding officers determined someone had gotten into the shelter by smashing a window, according to a police affidavit. They discovered the pit bull was the only dog missing from the shelter.

A man found in a car near Metro told police he had driven Johnson and another man to the shelter. He said the pair brought walkie talkies with them, as well as a backpack.

Police found Johnson at 2nd and Evans streets in Evansville and caught her after a foot chase. She declined to speak with a detective.

Declined to speak? She probably didn’t sit either.

When this happens to me I usually head straight for the kitchen garbage can and turn it over. I’m so good at it I’ve been offered work on a Waste Management garbage truck.

Once I’ve turned the can, and my frown, upside down I pick through the goodies that my folks have tossed aside. Mmm…yogurt cups, chicken skin, spaghetti sauce, head cheese, cow tongue…it’s all there for the taking.

Sure my parents get upset when they see the mess but at least they don’t have to worry about feeding me. The only thing they really need to keep an eye out for is a bad case of diarrhea. Usually doesn’t happen, but when it does it’s best to be prepared.

One thing I won’t eat though is money. I’m obviously not a germ freak, but even I wonder where some of the hands that have handled paper money have been.

I guess the feeling is different in Kenya where a lovable canine ate his owner’s rent money. The Daily Telegraph has the details and the consequences.

A MAN persuaded police to arrest his pet dog after it ate his rent money by bribing them with more cash to make it worth their while.

Robert Njeru, 25, of Nakuru town in Kenya, took his dog to the local police station after it chewed up almost 3,000 Kenyan shillings (£20).

The farmer had left his rent money for the month on his bed in the morning when he went to work.

When he returned that night, all that remained were a few shreds of banknotes on the floor.

The furious Mr Njeru marched his dog down to the police station and demanded that officers lock up the animal.

Police reportedly refused him until he paid them 50 shillings to make it worth their while.

However on hearing about the story, the district police boss fired the police officer for accepting a bribe and released the dog back to its owner.

Local police spokesman Steven Karungu said: “It was a really stupid thing for the police to lock up a dog after being given a bribe. It degrades the police force in this area.”

Mr Njeru has still not forgiven his dog and has put it up for sale for 20 shillings.

I guess that’s one way of laundering money.

My favorite team is the New York Mets and before any haters are sic’d on me, I’ll have you know I started liking them when they sucked. Coincidentally, it is also the time that I learned a lot of swear words from my father who sat by my side watching game after game after game.

Things aren’t much better these days with two successive September folds. If losing builds character, then I feel like Rin Tin Tin right about now.

But, hey at least I still have my day job. You know as snuggler, lover and all around best friend to my bipeds.

The same can’t be said for a black lab called Master Yogi Berra who got tossed out of work at a recent baseball game.  The DigiTriad has all the details.

Greensboro, NC — A little embarrassment during the Grasshoppers loss Tuesday afternoon.

Master Yogi Berra, a bat and ball fetching dog for the team, was ejected after relieving himself on the field during the fourth inning of the Hoppers 9-6 loss to Asheville.

A spokesperson for the Grasshoppers says that Yogi was attempting his usual between inning promotion of fetching a ball shot to deep center field. While running back to homeplate, he stopped and relieved himself on the field. This prompted homeplate umpire Jason Hutchings to eject the dog.

Owner Donald Moore says Yogi was not feeling well today battling a stomach virus. “When you gotta go, you gotta go,” said Moore, the Grasshoppers’ Team President and General Manager,.

Yogi is believed to be the first dog ever ejected from a professional baseball game.

“Yogi’s had a tough start to his season, and I hope this doesn’t get him down. He clearly couldn’t control himself out there. He’s such a competitor and he wanted to do his duties as he’s been trained,” continued Moore. He left the ballpark in the 6th inning with the Team Veterinarian Jason Streck, of the After Hours Veterinary Emergency Clinic, and is listed as day-to-day.

First it was people jumping on the playing field to get on TV, then it was streakers taking it up a notch, and now we’ve turned to public defecation. Is this a great country or what?

Here’s the video goodness.  Skip ahead to the 42 second mark…that’s really when the video starts.

Some are able to recognize them and adjust for them accordingly. Others are less reflective and let their full biases into their finished product. These folks are usually called hacks.

I mention this because I suspect there may be a hidden agenda to a report I read this morning regarding a fire in Seattle. The Seattle Times has all the details.

The spring sunlight that delighted so many across the Puget Sound region this weekend may have been responsible for setting a deck on fire Sunday.

After ruling out other possible causes, investigators for the Bellevue Fire Department blamed the blaze in the 17100 block of Northeast Fifth Street on the dogs’ glass water bowl. The partially-filled bowl apparently concentrated the sun’s rays like a magnifying glass, said Lt. Eric Keenan, the department’s community liaison officer.

“It’s very unusual, but it’s not unheard of,” he said.

The 11-inch-diameter bowl was elevated above the wooden deck in a wire stand, Keenan said. “There was nothing else in that area that could be identified as a fire source – no smokers, no electrical devices.”

No one was home when the fire started just before 3 p.m. Neighbors called in the alarm when they noticed flames and smoke.

The family’s two dogs were both apparently unhurt, Keenan said.

University of Washington atmospheric scientist Steve Warren says the dog-bowl theory sounds far-fetched, but not impossible. “The shape, the height and the angle of the sun would have to be just right,” said Warren, whose research involves measurement of solar radiation.

Bellevue’s investigation is complete, but now the insurance company will examine the case.

“It’s causing a lot of discussion … as to whether or not this can actually happen,” Keenan said. “Who knows what they will come up with.”

C’mon, a dog’s WATER bowl started a fire? What’s next, Milkbones creating famine?

Me thinks this reporter is a cat lover. Hack.