Today, I bark about Mel Gibson and his tirades against his girlfriend/mother of his child.

First off, let me go on record to say I love Mel. I think he’s a great actor, but more importantly an advocate for animals. Anybody that’s willing to take a dog along for adventures in a post apocalyptic Australia gets four paws up from me. What a warm, gentle, loving soul, eh.

Unfortunately this in no way gives him a free pass to say the things he did to the mother of his child. Did he think she was a common household cat? C’mon. Even if he did, cats don’t deserve that type of ridicule either. Now squirrels on the other hand…

It’s tough to comprehend the vitriol that passed his lips. Surely I, or you, could never get to that point, right?

Well, ask yourself if you have ever been so mad that you just barked your head off not caring about the volume, the pitch, the content? Be honest. It could have been directed at the brown clad guy driving the brown truck or the lady wearing the smart blue outfit driving a small white truck. You know the one; it’s got the steering wheel on the wrong side.

The point is you probably have gone off half hinged, and so have I. That’s no excuse for Mel.

Unfortunately for me, my parents have proof, and in order to keep TMZ from breaking this story to the world, I am going to do it on my own terms. Right here, right now.

Attached is a recording. Yes it is me. Yes it is disgusting. For this I apologize, but keep in mind I did not know I was being recorded.

Click here to listen

After listening to this again, I can’t bark I’m sorry enough to my father. But, to be fair, note how he feeds into my anger, especially towards the end. Giving affection to my sister while I’m right there!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved jumping into the front seat of his chick truck and watch the world fly by. It’s just now I prefer that over “Wanna go for a walk?”

Any questions as to why, take it up with my bones.

Anyway, I remember the early days when I’d occupy the suicide seat of his rusty, old cars. There was always something wrong with his vehicles. It ran the gamut of steering issues, oil leaks and transmission malfunctions. It was a simple equation: mechanical = trouble.

Since my father is a mechanic’s son, none of these things ever got fixed until it absolutely, positively needed to be.

Like when the old man broke down on the highway with steam coming out of the radiator. He hadn’t fixed the water leak and was plumb out of the H20 needed to keep it cool. So what does he do? He pours a bottle of champagne (which he’d received months prior from work) into the radiator to get him going again.

Too bad I couldn’t find a Congratulations On Getting Your Car Running Again card to send him.

Fortunately I wasn’t along for that ride. Or maybe it was fortunate for my father. Just read this story to find out why.

RIDGE MANOR — Searching for oil leaks underneath his pickup truck, Christopher Bishop placed his Ford F-150 in neutral and left the driver’s door open.

Unwittingly, Bishop also left himself vulnerable to his rambunctious bulldog, Tassey.

According to a Hernando County Sheriff’s Office report, Tassey hopped into the truck and jumped around in the front seat, knocking it into gear and causing it to roll over the left side of Bishop’s body.

Bishop, 43, was transported to Pasco Regional Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

According to the report, Bishop was checking his truck at his home at 4000 Burwell Road at 8 p.m. Sunday when the accident occurred.

After being run over, Bishop said he was able to get up and into the truck and stop it before it hit a fence next to his single-wide mobile home. He then placed the truck into park, shut it off and went inside the house.

But after several hours of intense pain, Bishop finally decided to call for medical attention. Asked why he waited so long to seek help, Bishop told deputies that he doesn’t like doctors.

Some are able to recognize them and adjust for them accordingly. Others are less reflective and let their full biases into their finished product. These folks are usually called hacks.

I mention this because I suspect there may be a hidden agenda to a report I read this morning regarding a fire in Seattle. The Seattle Times has all the details.

The spring sunlight that delighted so many across the Puget Sound region this weekend may have been responsible for setting a deck on fire Sunday.

After ruling out other possible causes, investigators for the Bellevue Fire Department blamed the blaze in the 17100 block of Northeast Fifth Street on the dogs’ glass water bowl. The partially-filled bowl apparently concentrated the sun’s rays like a magnifying glass, said Lt. Eric Keenan, the department’s community liaison officer.

“It’s very unusual, but it’s not unheard of,” he said.

The 11-inch-diameter bowl was elevated above the wooden deck in a wire stand, Keenan said. “There was nothing else in that area that could be identified as a fire source – no smokers, no electrical devices.”

No one was home when the fire started just before 3 p.m. Neighbors called in the alarm when they noticed flames and smoke.

The family’s two dogs were both apparently unhurt, Keenan said.

University of Washington atmospheric scientist Steve Warren says the dog-bowl theory sounds far-fetched, but not impossible. “The shape, the height and the angle of the sun would have to be just right,” said Warren, whose research involves measurement of solar radiation.

Bellevue’s investigation is complete, but now the insurance company will examine the case.

“It’s causing a lot of discussion … as to whether or not this can actually happen,” Keenan said. “Who knows what they will come up with.”

C’mon, a dog’s WATER bowl started a fire? What’s next, Milkbones creating famine?

Me thinks this reporter is a cat lover. Hack.

That’s right, your fuzzy hero has a fear of the slinky kind. Maybe it’s because I remember the day, when I was a mere pup, when a snake crawled into our den to vie for my mother’s nipple. When I attempted to push it away, it bit me. Needless to say I thrashed it to death. However, the mark on my psyche lives on to this day.

Some may think I made that story up and the real reason I’m afraid of snakes is because I’m a girlie dog. Well you can’t prove it can you.

Anyway, I, a macho dog, still run in the opposite direction of any snake that crosses my path due to this puphood incident. Not only is this a good idea, it should be a law.

Don’t believe me? Then check out this  story from News.Com.

HE’S never had a nose for trouble before but black labrador Bronson sure knows how to turn heads with his retrieving tricks.

The champion obedience dog stunned his Victorian owners when he recently returned to them to proudly show off his latest find.

Locked firmly in his jaws and coiled around his snout was a long, live snake, believed to be a deadly copperhead.

“He’s normally an excellent duck dog but he’ll pick up absolutely anything and return it to us, hanging on to it until we say ‘give’,” Deborah Allen said.

“My husband Peter didn’t know he’d lost his mobile phone out in a paddock recently until Bronson returned with it in his mouth.”

The couple were lucky to be at home together at their property at Yarragon on January 4 when Mr Allen called out to his wife: “Hey, come and look at this.”

“There was Bronson with the snake hanging out of his mouth and the snake’s body wrapped around his nose,” Ms Allen said.

“We weren’t sure if it was alive or not and we touched its head which was down at ground level and it moved – it appeared slightly stunned.”

As they grappled with a plan to deal with the snake, Mr Allen told his wife to quickly take a photo first.

“He didn’t reckon anyone would believe it,” she said.

With a camera always by her side, Ms Allen captured the stunning sight as perfectly obedient Bronson, 11, remained totally rigid, trained not to move his head while carrying anything he had retrieved.

“But he had a real forlorn look on his face like he was saying ‘Hurry up and take this thing’,” Ms Allen said.

Ms Allen said their second labrador, Madeline, usually tried to steal anything Bronson was carrying.

“But this is the first time ever she wouldn’t have a bar of him. She kept well away.”

Ms Allen found a chaff bag and lowered it to the ground, pulling the bag up and over the snake while at the same time releasing its body which remained wrapped around Bronson’s snout.

“And as soon I said ‘Give’ he dropped it right into the bag and we sealed up the ends.”

With the snake safely stored, the pair rushed Bronson to the West Gippsland Veterinary Centre where a coagulation blood test confirmed Bronson had copped a bite.

Four days in hospital followed on a drip, but Bronson is now happily at home.

Four days in the hospital without a treat no doubt. Just another reason to steer clear of ‘em.

I wouldn’t, for example, eat a wig covered in the creamy stuff, if only because it would take forever to get the hair out of my mouth. I also wouldn’t chow down on a tent peg or a fishing hook. But that’s just me.

Apparently, some of my compatriots have different tastes. Just take a look at this list compiled by PDSA PetAid hospitals.

Underwear, a kitchen knife and a wig have made a list of the top 10 weirdest items removed from the stomachs of the nation’s pets by an animal charity’s vets.

The list, released by PDSA, also includes a 10-inch tent peg, a bell, a fishing hook and a rubber duck.

PDSA senior veterinary surgeon, Sean Wensley, said: ‘There is a medical term for pets eating strange objects – pica.

‘Dogs, especially puppies and younger dogs, use their mouth to investigate objects as well as to eat. Sometimes a dog will swallow an object by mistake, even though it had only meant to investigate it.

Sounds like these dogs should be teamed up with Maxwell Smart. Here’s the list of the top twenty items:

1. Ten-inch tent peg
2. Christmas decoration (star shaped)
3. Kitchen knife
4. Alphabet fridge magnets
5. Man’s wig
6. Ann Summers underwear
7. Bell
8. Fishing hook
9. Socks
10. Rubber duck
11. Baby’s dummy
12. Golf balls
13. Coins
14. Balloons
15. Metal ball from a computer mouse
16. Shoe laces
17. Power ball
18. Corn on the cob
19. Needle and thread
20. Box of chocolates

Can I just comment on a few of the items above? I can? Thank you.

#4 – Alphabet fridge magnets-makes me wonder what the hungry pooch would have spelled when the letters came out the poop shoot. Maybe it would have been something like, “Help Me! I’m being held hostage by two psychopathic owners.”

Of course a phrase like that would require a healthy prostate to double as a spell checker.

#6 – Ann Summers’ underwear – I don’t know who Ann Summers is, but if her underwear is all the way at number six on the list, she must be a regular dumper in her drawers.

#11 – Baby’s dummy – My guess is this is the same as a canine’s dummy. If so, quite impressive to be able to swallow an owner whole, altough I would surmise it takes some of the bitterness out of the treat.

#17 – Powerball – Hmmm, I wish they’d tell us what numbers they found. That way I could take them out of my lottery number rotation and increase my chance of winning.

After reading this list, I think I’ll just stick to the basics.

When I hear that phrase, I ask why? I mean, why risk a hip fracture? Why risk a twisted paw? Why risk leaving mother earth for even a split second?

When I bark “jump”, my owners know it’s time for them to jump off the couch and let me out, or in, depending on the circumstances. It’s to the point where I just move my jowls without making a peep. In the flash of eye, they drool and spring to life to open the door.

It’s a nice party trick but it’s got nothing on what Taiwanese dogs are doing to control their human counterparts. There’s gold in them there poops and Reuters has the full story.

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A city in central Taiwan is offering shopping vouchers to volunteer dog waste collectors in a bid to clean up a perennial problem caused by the large number of stray animals island-wide.

City officials in Taichung, which has a population of one million, said on Wednesday the environmental protection bureau would give vouchers worth 100 Taiwan dollars ($3) for every kilo of dog poo collected. In areas of the city especially affected, the reward will be for every half-kilo.

“By means of offering rewards, the bureau hopes to goad the public into spontaneous clean-up efforts that protect the environment,” the city council said on its website.

The problem began in the 1980s, when Taiwan saw a boom in pet dogs following economic success, but now residents complain about the canine menace and the government has been fighting the issue for years.

After all these years, who would have thought my bowel movements were a money making machine.

In this day and age where everything from rabies shots to dog park access to where you can poop is legislated by unscrupulous humans it’s hard not to fall on the wrong side of the law at least a few times.

For instance, yesterday I was caught waddling along at 1 mph in the left lane of our local walking park. Regulations say this lane is reserved for those cruising by at least twice that pace.

Sure I was breaking the law but shouldn’t there be one for the inappropriateness of others barking, “Move over Q-tip” at you?

Then there was the time I peed on a neighbor’s mailbox, and some of their newly planted pansies. It was an appropriate response to a Maltese’s scathing message to the pups in the neighborhood. Well, the next thing you know, the owner comes flying out of the house like I was in the process of stealing her last pig’s ear. Did I break the law? Technically yes, but this woman didn’t realize the life giving goodness of my home made lemonade. Today, those pansies stand 5 foot high.

I guess breaking simple laws like the one above are nothing compared to real crime like the one perpetrated by a pit bull in Houston. KHOU 11 has the story.

HOUSTON—Rosie Sanchez rushed home Wednesday morning when a neighbor called to say her home was being burglarized.

She made it home in time to see the suspect was a real animal who was being led away on a leash.

Neighbors near the intersection of Antoine Drive and West Gulf Bank have been complaining for several days about a pit bull roaming from house to house.

Wednesday morning, Diana Session noticed the same pit bull clawing at the front window of Rosie Sanchez’s home. Sanchez was away at work and her Chihuahua and a Yorkshire Terrier were inside the home alone.

Session was shocked when she looked at the house again a few minutes later. This time the pit bull was on the other side of the window. It was inside the house.

“I’m like, ‘Oh my God.’ I couldn’t believe that dog was in there,” Session said.

The dog had pushed open the back door of the Sanchez home and wandered inside. He was inside playing with the smaller dogs for at least an hour, according to the neighbor.

Diana Session, an amateur photographer, took several photos of the “burglary.” She found it remarkable that the smaller dogs were OK.

Rosie Sanchez returned home in time to see the “suspect” taken into custody. She’s still cleaning up the evidence of his visit.

“It’s just a mess,” she said as she gave us a tour of the damaged furniture, scattered trash and dog food. The dog also overturned stereo and gaming equipment and left a puddle of urine underneath her dining room table.

“I mean, you can just see the dog just tore through so much. It’s very amazing to me that he got in. It really is,” Sanchez said.

Houston’s Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care confirmed to 11 News it does have custody of the pit bull burglar and is searching for its owner. If no owner is found, it would likely be put up for adoption even with its unusual criminal record.

Just another case of dog on dog crime. Can’t we just focus on cats first?

There’s a video of the crime story at this link.

Photo courtesy of Diana Session

I’m driven…everywhere.

In the summer my rides usually only get me to the park, but during fall and spring my destinations are diversified to include Home Depot, Publix and Rover’s House of Pancakes.

Regardless of season I’m always driven to the vet’s. What, you don’t expect me to walk there do you?

The only problem with this arrangement is that I don’t get to go on my schedule. It is dictated by my control freak parents.

Oh how things would change if I had the courage to take the keys into my own paws and do what the pup in the following story did. TVNZ has the details.

A dog that crashed his owner’s car into a Cromwell cafe has been let off with a warning, along with his owner.

And police say they want others to heed the message not to leave pets and children unattended in vehicles, especially with the keys in.

It was one of those moments they will talk about for years to come – the day the Fusee Rouge cafe had a ram raid with a dog at the wheel.

“The dog is five-and-a-half years of age. His name is Wilco,” says Senior Constable John Chambers of Cromwell police.

Wilco’s owner had stopped his ute to buy beer, leaving the motor running. The dog jumped up on the column gear stick.

Thirty years of policing had not prepared Chambers for what he found in the driver’s seat.

“When I arrived, to my disbelief I found it was a dog that was responsible for causing the damage,” he says.

The owner has been let off with a warning.

“The owner at the moment is very much like his dog with tail between his legs,” says Chambers.

But there is a point to this shaggy dog story – a key message. Always take the keys out of the car with you.

Unless your dog has errands to run.

It’s a little known fact, but they love to play pranks, tell jokes and just be the center of comedic attention.

My sister Copper, who everyone thought was a Rhodesian Ridgeback, actually has a bit of pit bull flowing through her veins. Anyone that knows her will tell you she’s got a great sense of humor. Her favorite topic…farts.

She loves to bring up the subject every chance she gets. First thing in the morning after a poop and a shave…fart. Mid-day at lunch just before her walk…fart. Early afternoons when my father is on conference calls…fart. At the dinner table…fart. I think you get the idea.

The great thing about it is that it never gets old. Even Copper startles herself at times at the frequency. No problem though…fart, shake and move to the next spot on the floor, all the while giggling under her breath.

Another pit bull showcasing a classic sense of humor is the one in the following story.  The FayObserver has the full details.

The tires on a Cumberland County deputy’s patrol car were no match for a pit bull that bit and flattened them Sunday, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

The dog deflated all four tires on the cruiser of a deputy who was responding to a complaint about another dog, said Debbie Tanna, spokeswoman for the Sheriff’s Office.

Bass reported that a dog was chasing her daughter, who was riding a bicycle, and trying to bite the back tire.

Deputy Lynn Lavallis was sent to investigate and found nothing when she arrived – no dog and no girl riding a bicycle, Tanna said.

Lavallis parked her cruiser in Bass’ driveway and went to speak with the woman.

That’s when Bass’ dog, a pit bull, went on the attack, biting the four tires.

“The dog didn’t try to attack the deputy. He just doesn’t like tires,” Tanna said.

A wrecker from the county’s vehicle maintenance fleet brought four new tires, Tanna said.

Bass will be billed for the cost of the tires, Tanna said.

No doubt the pit bull was in the dog house after this prank. But I’d bet milkbones to dollars he was laughing in there. Fortunately for him, my sister Copper wasn’t there with him.

Would they give up some of their hard earned cash? How about the time needed to nurse you back to health after a serious illness? Would they commit a crime if it meant keeping you in their lives?

I know my parents’ answers: yes, yes, no.

What can I say, they’re law abiding citizens. That means the purchase of medical marijuana for my glaucoma from Chachi down at the street corner is out, but they wouldn’t hesitate flying me to San Francisco to drop me off at a cannabis club. They’re strange folks, but who am I to judge.

Well, a woman in Wyoming shows how far she’d go to save her precious pit-bull. The Casper Star-Tribune has all the details.

Police arrested a Casper woman last weekend in connection to a burglary at the animal shelter where her pit bull was being held.

Jessica Johnson, 26, was booked on suspicion of burglary and conspiracy following the early Saturday morning break-in at Metro Animal Control in Casper, police said.

Police responding to a security alarm at the shelter found the pit bull running outside the building. The same dog had been taken to Metro Animal Control a day earlier after Johnson ran from officers following a traffic stop.

Responding officers determined someone had gotten into the shelter by smashing a window, according to a police affidavit. They discovered the pit bull was the only dog missing from the shelter.

A man found in a car near Metro told police he had driven Johnson and another man to the shelter. He said the pair brought walkie talkies with them, as well as a backpack.

Police found Johnson at 2nd and Evans streets in Evansville and caught her after a foot chase. She declined to speak with a detective.

Declined to speak? She probably didn’t sit either.