Even though my life is great, I always feel there’s someplace better to be. Sometimes it’s as close as the other side of the fence, other times it’s as far away as Europe.

In practical terms this means wanting to whiz on the lightpole on the corner of my street or letting loose a red, white, and blue stream of B20 on the Eiffel Tower.

It all really depends on how ambitious I feel that day.

After reading the Guardian this morning, I think I want to move to the UK. No really, I do.

A pub chain is reaching out to four-legged punters from todayby offering a free doggy menu behind two of its bars.

The Five Alls pub near Lechlade in Gloucestershire and the Catherine Wheel in Goring-on-Thames, Berkshire, aim to have their canine visitors howling with delight at their Dog’s Dinner menu, which provides a choice between dishes such as the delectable sounding Liver & Garden Veg chunks in gravy or Chicken & Beef chunks in jelly.

Owners wanting to give their pets a treat can pick from the Special Fayre menu, where Omega-3 packed salmon chunks will apparently see doggy diners leaving the pub with a “healthy coat and skin”.

The doggy menus will be on display outside the pub and behind the bar, with the idea that dog walkers will treat their pets at the same time as ordering their own pub meal. “Now dog owners can sit down to lunch happy in the knowledge their dog is enjoying their meal as much as they are,” said Caroline Coombs at Butcher’s Pet Care, the company providing the doggy meals.

If the free trial at the two Brakspear pubs is successful, the menus could be rolled out across the chain’s other dog friendly pubs, said Brakspear’s Tom Davies. “Many of our pubs are located near popular walking routes and attract customers out to enjoy the countryside with their four-legged companions,” he said.

Howard Leatherdale’s dog Chyb is – along with his owner – a regular at the Five Alls. “Chyb’s verdict? More tins please,” said Leatherdale. “It didn’t stop him staring forlornly at his empty bowl when I got him home though.”

It wouldn’t stop me from staring forlornly at my empty bowl either, but hey, what do you expect from a fat ass?

There’s an accusation from my father that his wife, my dear mother, is poisoning him.

Sadly, I agree. How else to explain his shift in attitude from watching Animal Planet every night to watching Dateline, 20/20, or 16 and Pregnant? She’s poisoned him alright, and it’s gone straight to his brain.

But that’s not the kind of poisoning he was alluding to. No, he’s complaining about being compromised by the food she feeds him.

The latest instance revolves around the pine nuts she hid in his salad. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but when they’re imported from China, you have to start asking if it’s intentional. After eating them, everything he’s  eaten has  tasted bitter…and it’s been a week!

Pepperoni Pizza? Bitter.

Key lime pie? Bitter.

His outlook on life? Bitter.

With results like that, I don’t want to take any chances of being fed by mother anymore. My only hope is for a food service like the one in the story below to make it to my neck of the woods.

The van will be serving an ice cream created exclusively for dogs – named, naturally, the K99.

It’s makers say that the dog ice cream contains ‘gammon and chicken ice cream, a traditional wafer cone and the ultimate finishing touch – a crunchy canine biscuit bone.’ Mmmm, gammon and chicken ice cream.

This mixture is supposedly the right combination of temperature, texture and taste to suit dogs, although we’re not sure exactly how this has been established.

The dog ice-cream van is scheduled to tour the UK’s parks throughout the summer, starting with the Boomerang Pets Party in Regent’s Park on July 24th (which is a party for people and pets, apparently).

I’ll take mine without the pine nut sprinkles.

While they spent the week at the beach taking in the sun, the water and gobs of fatty food I was relegated to camp activities where I did my best to steer clear of getting a doggie shiv to the intestines from Bruiser the Pit Bull. For what it’s worth, once I gave him my Milkbone money, the threat was notably reduced.

It still puzzles me why I’m not invited along to their annual pilgrimage to the coast. Last year my brother Logan (RIP my friend) went and this year my sister Patience was along for the ride. Is it that you need to be a damaged pup to get special one on one time? If that’s the case, I’ve had seventeen years of damage.

Of course it was caused by the same lunatics I hope to vacation with, but that’s beside the point.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan of water, but hey, I’m willing to learn. I figure if a dachshund can do it, so can I. Check out today’s story to see why I reference the breed better known as ‘hot dogs’.

A dachshund named Boniface, from Russia’s Far East, has become the first canine professional diver.

Boniface’s owner, Sergey Gorbunov, is a diver himself. He said Boniface was always very nervous when watching his owner plunging. That is why Sergey had the idea of submerging the pet in his favorite pastime.

Boniface has a custom made striped wetsuit, resembling the outfit of a famous cartoon character, the lion of the same name. The only difference in Boniface’s outfit is that his mask has a special inlet for the supply of sausage.

Having taken a special course in the swimming pool, the scuba dog has taken his first professional dive at the depth of 2 meters. However, his owner is sure Boniface is in for even greater professional achievements.

On second thought, maybe camp isn’t so bad after all.

Here’s some video goodness of Boniface in action.

OK, that’s a lie. At this stage of my canine career, I don’t like it much. That’s what happens when your bones creak like a listing boat in the middle of the sea, or in an oil soaked gulf (thanks BP).

That’s why the last thing I want to be doing these days is to go on a long walk in the woods.

What’s the point? If I see something worth chasing, I’m on a leash and can’t get to it anyway. I’m done training to look like a bully whippet, so the aerobic exercise is worthless to me now.

Frankly I’d rather be sneaking on the couch while my folks are out.

This is great advice to any aging pup. In fact a dog named Nero could have used it before heading up his local mountain. BBC news has the full story.

A dog had to be carried down a mountain after he became tired and injured on a walk with his owner in the Ogwen Valley near Bangor, Gwynedd.

Three members of the Ogwen Valley Mountain Rescue team took turns to carry 30 kg (66lb) black Labrador Nero, on their shoulders down Y Garn.

Team member Chris Lloyd said it was the right decision to call the team.

Nero, who suffered sore paws, is now recovering at his home in Chester.

“We first put him in a large bag, but it was such a hot day it was obvious the dog wasn’t happy, so we decided to carry him down on our shoulders,” said Mr Lloyd.

“We took frequent breaks so that he could walk around and he didn’t mind being carried like that, as he was resting on our rucksacks with his legs either side on our shoulders.”

Nero, who is 10, was taken poorly after a “nice walk” up Y Garn, said Mr Lloyd.

“The plan had been to carry on to Glyder Fawr but his pads got a bit raw, as he is used to running on grassland, and his back legs got a bit wobbly.

“Passers-by tried to help, but it was a good decision to call us,” he added.

I dabble in an impressionist style, but rather than using vibrant colors, I enjoy the use of an earth tone pallete instead. You could say I favor the color brown above all.

Sometimes my canvas is filled with heavy, oil painting type strokes. Other times it’s like a light watercolor coating. Regardless, the end result is a masterpiece worthy of the Louvre.

Inexplicably, my mother is not a fan of my painting. The subject matter is highly entertaining ranging from stick figures, to bigger stick figures to paw prints. Doesn’t matter, she hates my work.

That’s probably because my canvas is the floor, the carpet or the bed; and my paints are the Georgia red clay, thunderstorm puddles and best of all, the family poo from the back yard.

I am misunderstood. Alas, such is the life of an artist.

But hey, at least I don’t live in China. Check out this story of dog painting gone bad in the world’s most populous country.

The painted dogs in question were on display in Zhengzhou, in eastern China’s Henan Province, at what appears to have been a veritable festival of dog painting.

As well as the tiger-dog, there were a number of rather adorable fluffy panda-dogs being shown to the crowd.

Panda-dogs will be familiar to the long-term readers of this site, as one of their kind has featured before. We’ve also covered the extreme transformations that take place in America, in which dogs are not merely transformed into turtles, but into mutant ninja turtles.

Exactly why people are so keen on the trans-species decoration of their dogs is not especially clear, but the effort is appreciated. Except, perhaps, by the dogs.

No, I mean it. She lights candles in every room of the house, presumably for the smell. She must be heavily invested in Yankee Candle stock.

One thing’s for sure, she doesn’t light them to get my old man in a romantic mood. Heck, to him a night of romance is eating a rack of bbq ribs, watching Dumb and Dumber, and farting under the covers.

His repertoire lacks lit candles. You’ll find nothing flickering in the bedroom, or  around the bath tub, or in between my bowl of water and kibble. I guess it’s just not in his DNA to create a loving mood.

I’ll tell you this, if my mother ever wants to get me in the right mood, she just has to light a candle like the one in this MyFox Atlanta story.

White Castle, which markets itself as America’s first burger chain, sold out of its slider-scented charity candles online just two days after posting them, it emerged Friday.

The cult-favorite fast food joint still had some of its “steam-grilled-on-a-bed-of-onions-scented candles” available in-store, but supplies of the beefy delights are going fast. The candle features the chain’s logo and is designed to resemble the signature cardboard sleeve of White Castle’s burgers.

“It’s the ultimate gift for Castle lovers everywhere,” Jamie Richardson, vice president of corporate relations, said of the $10 candles.

“White Castle fans from around the country have responded so enthusiastically that our online inventory sold out in record time. Best of all, net proceeds from all candle sales will be donated to Autism Speaks.”

White Castle teamed up with the “queen of home fragrances” Laura Slatkin, founder of Nest Fragrances, to develop the candle. Slatkin sits on the board of Autism Speaks.

“When I think of truly superior aromas, I think of the aroma of a freshly-grilled White Castle hamburger — life just doesn’t get better than that,” Slatkin said. “We have captured that exact essence in our White Castle candle.”

I think it’s because he likes a full helping of poo to pick up rather than little rabbit turds while on our family walks. Copper, Kensy, Patience and I are more than happy to comply. Hey, it’s what we do.

Then I read today’s story about Giant George and suddenly I’m worried.  Let’s face it, GG puts out the same amount of poo we do, but it only needs to be cleaned up once. If my old man is one thing, it’s lazy. But come to think of it, if this were the only thing my father was worried about, he would have gotten himself an elephant years ago.

Anyway, here’s George and his story from the Daily Mail.

Standing at nearly 43 inches tall from paw to shoulder and weighing a staggering 245lbs could this be the world’s new tallest dog?

Pictured here in the parks of Tuscon, Arizona, George, a four-year-old blue great dane, looks more like a miniature horse than a dog.

The gentle giant, who measures 7ft 3ins from nose to tail, could be a prime contender to take the title from the former record holder, Gibson, a harlequin Great Dane who passed away from cancer last August.

Now George’s owners, David and Christine Nasser, are awaiting confirmation from Guinness World Records to see if he has achieved the lofty heights.

‘He’s 42.625 inches at the shoulder,’ said David. ‘He’s very very unique.’

According to David, George consumes 110lbs of food every month, and sleeps alone in his own Queen Size Bed.

David and Christine raised George from when he was 7 weeks old, but never expected him to grow so big.

The couple eventually had to move their aptly named dog out of their king sized bed, when he grew too large for the three of them to share the same sheets.

Dr. William Wallace of the Buena Pet Clinic in Tucson, who witnessed the documentation necessary for the Guinness record, said: ‘In my 45 years of experience working with giant breed dogs, without question, George is the tallest dog I have ever seen.’

Clearly there’s a bit of an up-sell there, and something I’m quite appreciative of, when they look to match a homeless animal to a needy human. But is it really necessary?

All studies I’ve read have shown absolutely, positively no downside to the relationship…from a human’s standpoint. For the pet, there’s quite a few negatives but we’re willing to let it slide for some free kibble. Hey, it’s what makes us more adorable than we already are.

So I read today’s paper and I see one human didn’t get the memo. It seems he’s got an issue with none other than his dogs. Yeah, his best friends!

Come to find out he has an invention he wants to sell to the world. Sure it’s clever, even thoughtful, but did he have to throw his love machines under the sanitation bus?  I’ll let you be the judge.

The Detroit Free Press has the scoop (pun intended).

For the last two years, Curt Fournier of Linden plopped himself into all things dog poop.

Fournier, founder of GreenDog LLC, a start-up company in the pet-waste disposal industry, consulted doctors and veterinarians; he perused blogs and online forums, looked at countless studies and even did a few of his own.

“I could probably teach a class on dog poop at this point,” joked the 34-year-old Flint native.

He ain’t the only one.

Fournier’s research was the basis for the development of the Powerloo, an outdoor, hands-free, flushable toilet for dog waste.

The Powerloo works much like a indoor toilet. It sits just below ground level and taps into sewer lines that lead to waste treatment centers. Priced at a bit less than $1,000 a unit, the device comes with an optional heating unit to prevent freezing.

“Both the Centers for Disease Control and Environmental Protection Agency say pet waste should be flushed down a toilet, but up until this point, there was really no safe or convenient way to do so. Carrying dog poop into your house can be unsafe, and not to mention gross,” Januszewski said.

According to the EPA, dog waste is a leading contributor of water contamination and also carries harmful parasites and pathogens that have the potential to infect humans and other animals.

“Vicki and I were getting tired of cleaning up the mess left by our two dogs and thought that being able to flush it down a toilet in the backyard would make things easier,” Fournier said.

GreenDog expects to produce 500 Powerloos in 2009. Fournier projects that by 2011, GreenDog could produce as many as 12,000 units, with revenue potentially reaching $12 million.

While pet owners will be a target market for the company, GreenDog also plans to market the Powerloo to municipalities and businesses such as dog breeders, doggy day care centers and pet-friendly apartment complexes.

If my old man ever installed the Powerloo in our back yard, I’d make sure to use it the way he uses our inside toilets. Yup, I’d make it a point to pee all over the Powerloo’s seat and then dribble the rest on the ground.

That way, he’ll know how my mother feels.

Photo courtesy of RASHAUN RUCKER/Detroit Free Press

Employees of a US pet shop expecting a shipment of tropical fish and salt water received a man’s dead body instead.

He says he learned the body was that of a 65-year-old San Diego-area man who died of early onset Alzheimer’s disease.

The body was supposed to go to a research laboratory in Allentown, a 70-mile (113-kilometer) drive away.

US Airways Inc. released a statement saying the air cargo problem was caused by a “verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative.” The Tempe, Arizona-based airline says it’s deeply sorry.

I wonder if the pet store employees were tipped off when the cargo representative was a fish.