Cheesy Dog’s Near Death Experience

I’m not ashamed to say it, “We all need help sometimes. Even from our human counterparts.”

It turns out not all owners are clueless like my parents. Yup, some are smart and heroic, and they don’t even have to be named after a man…i.e.  Superman, Batman, Fartman.

Why just the other day I heard of an owner with the wherewithal to give his dog a spoon of peanut butter. What was the emergency? The pup had the munchies.

Very smart, and quite heroic for giving up some precious nut crude.

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Dog Tip: How to Lose 20-Pounds Quickly

How can my old man lose 40 lbs of ugly fat really fast?

By cutting off his head.

How does my neighbor Dino, a dachshund, lose 20 lbs of ugly fat really fast?

By divorcing his chihuahua wife.

Hahaha…I got loads of ‘em folks and I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Try the veal. You’ve been a great audience goodnight everydog.

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Doogie Goat, MD.

Goat milk, goat cheese and the ever popular goat tee.

Which of these things doesn’t belong, which of these things isn’t the same?

Did you guess the goat tee? Guess again. Goat cheese, ba-a-a-ad choice.

The answer is goat’s milk. Read more

Sweet Smell of Health

Today’s story: not weird, not crazy just another reason to love us four legged, fuzzy creatures.

That’s right, not only are we adorable, non-judgemental and eager to please, but now we’re also getting into the human healthcare game.

Turns out our noses are life savers. No, not the green, red or yellow variety but the soul saving kind. A sniff here and a sniff there and we can tell whether a diabetic’s blood sugar falls to a dangerous level.

Of course it is at this point the true test of being man’s best friend comes into play. Ask yourself, are you going to give up that Butterfinger bar in your fur suit to save that human?

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Polly Want a Cupcake?

Chocolate. The forbidden fruit.

I think it’s a fruit because it’s certainly not a vegetable, and truth be told, vegetables are deadly too. It’s just that veggies steal a little of your soul one crappy asparagus tip at a time rather than the quick demise cocoa offers.

Check out how one Polly Purebred cheated death while cheating on her diet in this story from the BBC.

A dog narrowly avoided death after eating more than 20 chocolate cupcakes.

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Not a Myth, Buster

What’s white on the outside, yellow on the inside and in abundant quantities this time of year?

It’s eggs silly…and the type we canines can partake in.

Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations. Take the Cadbury Egg, for instance, which is yellow on the inside, but a discolored brown on the outside. Sure it tastes sweet, almost too sweet, but instead of pumping you full of life, it will suck it out of you.

How many Cadbury eggs do you think Cool Hand Luke could have eaten? Certainly not the 50 real eggs he downed with the help of his friend, Dragline. My guess is he’d max out at 17 before a sugar coma put him out of commission for a 72 hour nap.

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That’s a Croc, Says Doc

If it’s good enough for the Cat Lady, then it’s most certainly good enough for a crocodile named Robo Croc.  We’re talking about a little nip and tuck of the facial variety.

Some may be surprised, but I’m actually against getting work done on our money makers.

Why would I want to inject my lips with fat from my rear end? No thanks. The only ass fat that I want injected in me is cow fat. And by injected I mean, delicately placed in my mouth. Read more

What a Tail

Back in the day, ten years ago in fact, I lived in a frigid climate. It gave me the opportunity to play in cold weather, snowy weather and blizzardy weather. I was in heaven.

That’s probably why my parents moved me to the south.

Before relocating however, I did rack up a few good tips for surviving in Mother Nature’s coolness:

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Wii me? Wii Me?

I remember my first video game system … Colecovision. It was a hand me down from my father, given to me at my second birthday party.  Although I enjoyed Donkey Kong immensely, my all time favorite was Burgertime.

Let’s be honest, what’s not to like about making burgers that are five times bigger than the chef? I’d just wished I’d had opposable thumbs so I could control the game better.

Life is so much easier for pups today because they have access to the Wii. Although I don’t have any direct experience with the system, I’m waiting for the next generation Poo to come out, I hear the system kills.

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Dog’s Jaws Glued Shut by Junk Mail

Let me just reiterate what many of you already know. I’m not a dog that’s going to be trained to make my owners’ lives easier.  I know this isn’t the case in a lot of households, but I can’t change the world.  I can only make suggestions and hope some of you canines see the wisdom in my words.

If told to “Go get me my slippers”, just say no and lick their feet. Make sure to get in between the toes, that’s where the good cheesy taste is.

When they demand you “Fetch me the paper”, respectfully suggest they go online to get their news instead.

And if ordered to “Get me a beer from the fridge”, do so, but make sure to drink it before bringing it back. If that makes you pee, do so in the confines of the house.

Let’s face it, we weren’t put on this earth for them, they were put on this earth for us.

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