It turns out not all owners are clueless like my parents. Yup, some are smart and heroic, and they don’t even have to be named after a man…i.e.  Superman, Batman, Fartman.

Why just the other day I heard of an owner with the wherewithal to give his dog a spoon of peanut butter. What was the emergency? The pup had the munchies.

Very smart, and quite heroic for giving up some precious nut crude.

Just to prove my point, check out the Knutsford Guardian. Today’s story is about the life saving prowess of a vicar in the area.

A MOBBERLEY vicar saved his dog’s life by giving it the kiss of life – in the middle of a Knutsford couple’s wedding rehearsal.

As Toby Wilbraham and Caroline McGoun were having a run through of their wedding vows they were stopped in their tracks by the sight of St Wilfrid’s Reverend Ian Blay’s wife, Suzanne, running down the aisle with a dog in her arms.

Holding Izzy, eight, a Cairn Terrier, she was crying and shouting that she was dead, only for Rev Blay to remove a piece of cheddar cheese that was wedged in her throat and give her mouth to mouth.

Suzanne said the dramatic intervention – that happened on Monday, April 26 – was unbelievable.

“I was unpacking the shopping and gave Izzy a bit of cheese as a little treat ,” she said.

“She started choking, really, really badly and making noises and it was then when she just flopped on the floor.

“I slapped her then panicked and ran out of the house. I was going to run to the farm next door but then I remembered Ian was in the church.

“He removed the cheese and the father of the bride, Mike, then gave chest compressions to Izzy.

“I thought she was dead, it was unbelievable at the time.

“When I first ran into the church everyone just stopped and turned round.

“But when you look back at it, it is quite funny. To think she could have died from a piece of cheese though is terrible.”

That’s why I recommend chewing 32 times before swallowing, unless it’s squirrel head surprise. In that case, just cram the whole thing down your gullet immediately.  Otherwise a human will snatch it away from your jowls.

By cutting off his head.

How does my neighbor Dino, a dachshund, lose 20 lbs of ugly fat really fast?

By divorcing his chihuahua wife.

Hahaha…I got loads of ‘em folks and I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Try the veal. You’ve been a great audience goodnight everydog.

OK, so losing weight hasn’t been my thing lately, and like a lot of dogs I’m looking for the easy way out.

Excercise is a non starter since it doesn’t excite me any more. Achey breaky bones will do that to a dog’s will. Cutting back on my meals isn’t an option either, especially now that my normal kibble is covered with bacon bits. And my supply of goodies from Bisket Baskets? Touch ‘em and I’ll gum you to death.

I’m still in search of the best way to reduce my thunder thighs, but I know one path I won’t take. WCVB from Boston has the story of a golden retriever of this path less traveled…for a reason.

BOSTON — Surgeons at Boston’s Angell Animal Medical Center removed a 21-pound tumor from a Labrador retriever, the largest tumor veterinarians there had ever seen.

Warren, 13, fully recovered from the surgery last spring to remove the tumor that had grown to one-sixth his body weight.

The tumor had grown so large it made walking difficult for the dog and his breathing became increasingly labored.

Surgeons faced the problem of dealing with the cavity that was created once the mass was removed.

“Warren has since spent the past five months enjoying his lightened frame following the lifesaving surgery,” Duddy said.

I’m convinced the only way to lighten my frame is to dye my fur blonde. But it’s not all bad, the local gals here like their pups with a little junk in the trunk.

So, are you dog enough to click on this link and see what a 21lb tumor looks like? Well are you?

I didn’t think so.

Which of these things doesn’t belong, which of these things isn’t the same?

Did you guess the goat tee? Guess again. Goat cheese, ba-a-a-ad choice.

The answer is goat’s milk. If you’re wondering why, then this scientific article is a must read.

Goats can now make medicine in their milk.

Yesterday the Food and Drug Administration approved Atryn, from GTC Biotherapeutics, a medicine to treat a hereditary deficiency of the clot-preventing chemical antithrombin. It will be the first medicine made in transgenic animals to be sold.

Several other companies are working on drugs from designer animals, but if this is a big trend it looks to be a long time coming. Even this small taste of success though, is enough to rile some consumer and animal rights groups, who see an environmental danger or a form of goat abuse.

If Goats can make medicine in their milk, and small humans can make doody in their pants, then what’s to keep me from making medicine in my doody?

That’s right, not only are we adorable, non-judgemental and eager to please, but now we’re also getting into the human healthcare game.

Turns out our noses are life savers. No, not the green, red or yellow variety but the soul saving kind. A sniff here and a sniff there and we can tell whether a diabetic’s blood sugar falls to a dangerous level.

Of course it is at this point the true test of being man’s best friend comes into play. Ask yourself, are you going to give up that Butterfinger bar in your fur suit to save that human?

While you decide, Reuters has the details on the research.

AYLESBURY, England (Reuters) – Dogs are being trained in Britain as potential life-savers to warn diabetic owners when their blood sugar levels fall to dangerously low levels.

Man’s best friend already has been shown capable of sniffing out certain cancer cells, and dogs have long been put to work in the hunt for illegal drugs and explosives.

Their new front-line role in diabetes care follows recent evidence suggesting a dog’s hyper-sensitive nose can detect tiny changes that occur when a person is about to have a hypoglycemic attack.

A survey last December by researchers at Queen’s University Belfast found 65 percent of 212 people with insulin-dependent diabetes reported that when they had a hypoglycemic episode their pets had reacted by whining, barking, licking or some other display.

The move into diabetes followed the case of Paul Jackson, who told Guest and her team about his dog Tinker who warns him when his sugar levels get too low and he is in danger of collapsing.

“It’s generally licking my face, panting beside me. It depends how far I have gone before he realizes,” Jackson said.

Tinker has now been trained by the Aylesbury center and is a fully qualified Diabetic Hypo-Alert dog, complete with red jacket to announce himself as a working assistance animal.

The center is continuing work to perfect dogs’ ability in spotting signs of cancer. But while dog-lover Guest says it would be nice to have a dog in every doctor’s office to screen for disease, ultimately that is not practical.

Instead, she hopes the research will lead to the invention of an electronic nose that will mimic a dog’s.

Good luck with that electronic nose idea. The only one I’ve ever seen was the one on the patient in the game of Operation, and even then it only lit up when I tried to get the funny bone out too quickly with my big mitts.

I think it’s a fruit because it’s certainly not a vegetable, and truth be told, vegetables are deadly too. It’s just that veggies steal a little of your soul one crappy asparagus tip at a time rather than the quick demise cocoa offers.

Check out how one Polly Purebred cheated death while cheating on her diet in this story from the BBC.

A dog narrowly avoided death after eating more than 20 chocolate cupcakes.

Polly, a one-year-old Patterdale terrier from Southampton, ate the cakes after being accidentally locked in the family’s kitchen by her owners.

Owner Yvonne Taylor found the canine surrounded by chocolate wrappers and, knowing of the dangers of cocoa poisoning, contacted vets.

“They gave her an injection to induce vomiting and then proceeded to wash out her stomach under a general anaesthetic.”

“Luckily, Polly pulled through and survived.”

I wouldn’t need the injection. All they would have to do is force me to watch a cat lick itself after hitting the kitty litter box. That would induce plenty of vomiting. Projectile vomiting, to be exact. To me that’s like peeing on a tree, not washing your paws afterwards, and then begging for some paw lickin’ barbeque ribs.

It’s eggs silly…and the type we canines can partake in.

Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations. Take the Cadbury Egg, for instance, which is yellow on the inside, but a discolored brown on the outside. Sure it tastes sweet, almost too sweet, but instead of pumping you full of life, it will suck it out of you.

How many Cadbury eggs do you think Cool Hand Luke could have eaten? Certainly not the 50 real eggs he downed with the help of his friend, Dragline. My guess is he’d max out at 17 before a sugar coma put him out of commission for a 72 hour nap.

One thing is for sure, there’d be no way he could tar a country road for the Boss the next day.

And that’s the effect on Cool Hand Luke! Imagine what it could do to a poor old dog like you.

OK, I’m rambling on like my mother. We’re talking eggs so let me serve you up a cautionary tail (you get it?) for all the Easter Egg loving canines out there.

The five-stone pooch ended up with chocolate poisoning after wolfing down a stash of chocolate eggs which he found hidden away in his owner’s spare room.

Five-year-old Buster had to be taken to animal hospital where he was admitted to intensive care after devouring 12 eggs and their foil wrapping.

Buster’s owner, Brenda Dawes, bought the eggs as Easter treats for her grandchildren.

She said: “When I arrived home one afternoon, Buster came down the stairs, wagging his tail and licking his lips. I knew immediately he’d been up to something.

“He’s a terror and chews everything he gets his paws on – mobile phones, video tapes, the remote control.”

At first, Buster did not appear to be affected by his binge. However, Ms Dawes was woken in the early hours of the morning by the pet’s cries.

“He couldn’t stand up, his back legs just kept buckling underneath him.

“His stomach was swollen and he was obviously in a lot of pain. Panicking, I called PDSA and they told me to bring him straight in.”

Ms Dawes immediately took the dog to animal charity PDSA’s PetAid hospital, near her home in Derby, where he was treated with fluids and kept in for round-the-clock observation.

Buster made a full recovery, but his ordeal has prompted animal welfare officials to issue a pre-Easter warning to anyone who keeps hungry hounds and chocolate under the same roof.

Senior veterinary surgeon Vicky Sims said: “Buster was quite lucky. Creme eggs have a fairly low theobromine content because they’re half fondant.

“Higher quality ‘posh’ chocolates are the most dangerous as they have high concentrated doses of theobromine – which poisons pets.

Many people are simply not aware that even small amounts of human chocolate can kill a little dog. If you want to indulge your pet you should opt for a healthy pet treat instead.

Ms Dawes said: “He’s already tried to eat a bag of crisps and a toilet roll since he’s been home – I’ll have to keep a close eye on him from now on to keep him out of trouble.”

Consider this your post-Easter warning. If you want something sweet, just down a peep. Any peep will do. I prefer the short ones with chocolate on their faces.

Some may be surprised, but I’m actually against getting work done on our money makers.

Why would I want to inject my lips with fat from my rear end? No thanks. The only ass fat that I want injected in me is cow fat. And by injected I mean, delicately placed in my mouth.

Granted, I wash the gray right out of my hair, which some say makes me vain, but in actuality that’s just good maintenance protocol. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a good looking dog taking his gene pool victory to the house.

But Robo Croc isn’t so lucky. Check out his story…

The four-hour operation took place at Miami’s Metrozoo on Tuesday.

The giant male predator, dubbed Robo Croc after the operation left it with a significant amount of metal dotted around its face, was close to death after having its head crushed by a car in the Florida Keys last year.

Unable to move its jaw, the distressed animal had not eaten for three months.

But Douglas Mader, of the Marathon Veterinary Hospital, has saved the reptile by reconstructing its face.

Veterinarians placed two metal rods between its eyes, extending down to the bridge of its nose, and another on each side.

Forty-one metal screws were drilled into its hide, keeping the skull and snout together.

“RoboCroc is doing just fine,” said Ron Magill, a spokesman for Miami Metrozoo.

“We have a certain responsibility to our endangered, native species and it was either he die on the table today, or die a horrible, slow death,” he told the Miami Herald.

There has been reconstructive surgery undertaken on crocodiles before but not to this extent, according to the zoo’s vets.

Reconstructive surgery this extensive hasn’t been performed since a 15 year old Lassie tried to transform herself back into a four year old.

That’s probably why my parents moved me to the south.

Before relocating however, I did rack up a few good tips for surviving in Mother Nature’s coolness:

- Wear boots during slushy weather, otherwise the cold concoction will build up on your paws. Failure to heed this most terrific advice will  give you the ice cream headache that killed Elvis.
- During heavy snowfalls, make sure to pee every 10 feet. These visual clues will help you find home should you become disoriented.
- The trail of kibble you see in the back yard, is really not kibble at all. It’s deer poop.

There is actually one more tip I should pass on, but I’ll let the consequences of not following it be your guide.

The Billings Gazette has all the details.

It was a long, cold night for Duke, a 16-month-old St. Bernard who froze to the ice on a pond at the Peter Yegen Jr. Golf Club.

After the family combed the area that night looking for the dog, they went to bed, hoping he would be back in the morning.

Rescuers believe that Duke fell though the ice on the pond on the northwest side of the golf course sometime during the night but was able to pull himself out. Once the wet dog sat on the ice, his furry, water-logged tail froze to the ice, leaving him unable to move.

Two firefighters in dry suits pushed an ice rescue sled over about 10 feet of hip-deep water and 10 feet of ice to reach Duke, who was shivering and occasionally whining.

After trying to free the tail with water and a crowbar-like Haligan tool, firefighter Brandon Fleury broke the ice around Duke’s tail with a mallet while firefighter Ben Jares held onto the dog by his collar.

They got the shivering animal onto the sled and were hauled back to shore by seven other firefighters who had arrived.

It took four firefighters – one just to hold up the tail with the large chunk of ice attached – to lift the 118-pound dog into a waiting golf cart.

Staff members at the veterinary office said the dog was in good condition Friday afternoon after being de-iced and warmed up under a blow dryer.

Larson, who had spent the day looking for his dog, went to check on him as soon as he was notified that Duke had been found.

“He’s my little buddy,” Larson said, before correcting himself. “He’s my big buddy.”

Oh, and if that wise acker chihuahua down the street dares you to lick a pole…don’t do it.  Trust me on that one

Let’s be honest, what’s not to like about making burgers that are five times bigger than the chef? I’d just wished I’d had opposable thumbs so I could control the game better.

Life is so much easier for pups today because they have access to the Wii. Although I don’t have any direct experience with the system, I’m waiting for the next generation Poo to come out, I hear the system kills.

To back that up, here’s a story from the Metro.

A puppy has been brought back from the dead by mouth-to-mouth resuscitation – after it was nearly killed by a wayward Nintendo Wii controller.

Five-month-old Ozzy, a miniature Sheltie belonging to Kathy White of Marquette in Michigan, was knocked unconscious and stopped breathing after White accidentally hit him with the Wiimote while playing Wii Sports Bowling.

‘We had just got the Wii for Christmas, so we were trying it out,’ White told 9news.com, ‘and that’s when Alexis and I were bowling and Ozzy was standing by me and he jumped up and I hit him in the temple and killed him instantly.’

Fortunately for Ozzy, White’s neighbour Pene Honey responded to her call for help – and managed to bring him back from the brink by giving him mouth-to-mouth.

I don’t know what surprises me more; that one shot to the temple can kill you or that bowling is considered a  sport.

If told to “Go get me my slippers”, just say no and lick their feet. Make sure to get in between the toes, that’s where the good cheesy taste is.

When they demand you “Fetch me the paper”, respectfully suggest they go online to get their news instead.

And if ordered to “Get me a beer from the fridge”, do so, but make sure to drink it before bringing it back. If that makes you pee, do so in the confines of the house.

Let’s face it, we weren’t put on this earth for them, they were put on this earth for us.

But there are a few of us out there that need to learn lessons the hard way. Check out this story.

A HUNGRY hound lost both his bark and his bite when a bizarre accident left his jaws glued together.

Cymbeline, a Scottish terrier, is trained to pick up the post from the doormat and hand it over to his owner Kimberly Fisher, 41.

But the faithful pet came unstuck when a high gloss finish on a fast food menu stuck his jaws closed for more than half an hour.

Ms Fisher from Colchester, an academic researcher, said Cymbeline had been trained to collect the post without chewing it.

“He hates post so I’ve taught him to bring it to me without damaging it and then I give him a treat.

“He brought me this menu but it had stuck his jaws together.

“It was a big, high gloss paper menu which had turned into a paste – the gum stuck it between his teeth.

“He was trying very hard to open his mouth. It was funny as well as sad.”

The Roosters fast-food menu, which ironically promises “mouth-watering results” for anyone who tries their chicken, was stuck fast and eventually Ms Fisher was forced to take Cymbeline to the vet.

She said: “I tried to get it out with a tooth pick, but it was no good. We had to wait for an emergency slot at the vets.

“They took about 40 minutes to get this stuff out. They were very good about it. It cost £28.76 – it would have been more if he had been more distressed and they had had to sedate him.”

“He couldn’t open his mouth. He sat there very quietly while we picked away with a fine pick until we had removed enough of the cardboard to get a bit of movement.”

Now that’s service I can get used to. I’m already imagining myself dining on a nice rib eye steak menu.