When my father rolls in at midnight after boys’ night out, I don’t bark to alert my mother of his arrival. I wait, knowing he’ll dig into the fridge for something to eat. Sure it might be a week old plate of spaghetti or a plate of tuna salad from an era long gone by, but like him I’m not proud, just hungry.

When my sister Moose captures a mouse, chews its head off and brings it into the house, I don’t bark a thing. It’s not my place. My place is in the corner, to watch my mother discover it and scream in horror. Why would I want to break up the surprise?

Speaking of surprises I don’t bark when my father comes home with Christmas presents either. Why spoil the heartfelt gifts of a swiffer, a toaster oven and a set of pans. Romance baby…the man is all romance.

So it surprised me when I read this morning’s police blotter about a Jack Russell dropping a dime on his owner. The BBC has the full story.

The excited pet dog of a German man on the run from the law led police to his master’s hiding place in a cupboard, police in the west of the country say.

When officers called at his flat in Euskirchen, near Cologne, the door was opened by an acquaintance of the missing man who was holding the dog.

The acquaintance said he did not know where the owner was.

But when the dog was set down, it led police to the cupboard, where it stood expectantly with its tail wagging.

Officers who opened the cupboard, which was just a metre (3ft 3in) high and 80cm (2ft 6in) wide, found the fugitive “hunched up inside”.

Neither the name of the suspect, 52, nor that of the pet was given but, according to AFP, the dog was a Jack Russell terrier.

Public Service Announcement: Crime doesn’t pay. Begging does.

Not on purpose, but by accident. You see there was this leaf, cleverly disguised as a big rock, floating in the lake a few feet below me. I thought it was a perfect place for a photo opp. Humans love those.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, is there anything more majestic than a beautiful mixed breed dog, dressed up in his best fur suit, sitting in front of a colorful landscape that only fall can offer?  Of course not. Especially when that pup is me.

So I closed my eyes and jumped on the ‘rock’. Much to my amazement my paws did not stop on a hard surface, but rather plunged into the depths of the lake.Water went up my nose and I gasped for air. It seemed an eternity until I resurfaced.

With oxygen back in my lungs, I swam back to shore and struggled up the two foot embankment. It’s a good thing I had my wits about me because my parents were too busy laughing to save me.

As revenge my father’s Chuck Taylor’s did not fare very well that night.

Anway, my tale comes to mind after reading the story of a dog with a similar, harrowing experience courtesy of UPI.

SEAFORD, England, Feb. 22 (UPI) — Two dogwalkers said they feared the worst when their springer spaniel leaped from a 300-foot cliff, but the dog bounced off a wave and swam to shore.

Lia Markwick and Stephen Winslade, who were walking Poppy as a favor for Lia’s brother, said the canine was chasing a seagull and made a flying leap from the cliff in Seaford, England, The Sun reported Monday.

Markwick and Winslade said they expected to look down and see Poppy’s body, but instead the dog had managed to avoid hitting the rocks below and landed in the high tide, allowing her to swim to a nearby beach. Markwick said they called Coast Guard authorities, who recovered the canine after it made its way to dry land.

The dog’s owners, Ben Markwick and Kelly Ixter, said Poppy suffered a collapsed lung but is expected to make a full recovery.

Seagulls. Not only can’t you catch them, but they poop on your fur and steal people food.

I guess even God can have an off day.

As some of you know, well 3% according to a recent survey, this past weekend was Valentine’s Day. I’m not one for love and cuddling because a day on the calendar tells me to do so. No, I do it because I want to. Ok, maybe not so much the love part, but the cuddling is to die for.

I admit Valentine’s Day has me a little miffed. The typical gifts of candy and flowers just don’t do it for me. Flowers? What am I supposed to do with them? Sure they might come in handy at Rocky the Squirrel’s funeral, but let’s be honest, I won’t get the invite.

Speaking of funerals, the candy associated with this day is deep, dark chocolate. If you want me dead, it would be easier to just tie me down on the Amtrack rails of the northeast corridor. It would be quicker, unless of course the train was running late again.

Maybe my focus on Valentine’s Day should be on the giving part.  A farmer in Minnesota seems to be on the right track. Check it out from the Albert Lea Tribune.

For his wife this Valentine’s Day, a farmer has created a half-mile wide arrow-pierced heart recognizable from the sky about 12 miles southwest of Albert Lea.

Following plans he jotted on scratch paper, Bruce Andersland drove his tractor and manure spreader earlier this week in the special shape for his wife, Beth.

On Thursday afternoon, the Tribune was on the telephone with Beth when she had her first look at the aerial image, taken through Minnesota Aviation by Albert Lea pilot Darren Schone.

With a gasp, Beth said, “Now I’ve got my Valentine! That’s pretty cute.”

She said it was the biggest and most original Valentine she has received in her life.

Bruce said he had the idea because the square-mile, snow-covered field seemed fitting for something.

“There’s such a nice field there. I thought we could just do it for fun,” he said.

Bruce began the project Wednesday and finished Thursday.

“That’s just part of farm life. Doing something fun and creative with it makes farming fun,” she said.

I know what many of you are saying, “Bo, this isn’t an animal story.” To which I’d have to reply, “Where do you think he got the manure from?” Certainly not his wife.

It’s a fine line, but the integrity of posting only animal stories on this blog remains intact.

When I first heard the term I didn’t know what to think. On the one paw it sounds really good. I mean what’s not to like about a bloody steak, a bloody snot rag in the garbage, or my father, a bloody fool.

On the other paw, massive amounts of blood makes me woozy. Yeah I know I’m a dog and I’m supposed to be  tough, but I gotta tell ya if  I had to hunt and kill my own food, I’d become a vegan. Blueberries rarely make a blood curdling scream.

Then there’s all the rage these days about vampires. Is bloodhound another way of saying vampire dog? It used to be when I heard Twilight, I only thought about the Zone I lived in. Nowadays Twilight is the time of day I have to look over my shoulder when I go pee pee. Speaking of which, where did I put that garlic?

The reason I’m hung up on all this is due to a  story from Cairns about a true bloodhound. Read on.

A PUREBRED six-week-old pup owes her life to a blood transfusion from a gentle greyhound more than 15 times her size.

Cairns resident Sami Knoblock had a tearful reunion with her English Staffordshire terrier yesterday after their scary ordeal.

Ms Knoblock said her dog, Buddy, was vomiting and could hardly lift her 1.6kg body to stand on Tuesday night.

She rushed her sick dog to Brinsmead Veterinary Surgery where Greencross principal surgeon Max Fargher found a hookworm infestation that had caused a massive haemorrhage.

With Buddy at death’s door, Dr Fargher raced home to get his trusty pooch Hurley, a male, six-year-old 34kg greyhound.

Dr Fargher then performed a transfusion by transferring a “drop” of Hurley’s blood – 120ml – to Buddy.

He said a young dog’s first blood transfusion could be from any donor dog, but if it needed a second, it would have been a far trickier situation.

“I wasn’t 100 per cent confident it was going to work – Buddy only has 120ml (of blood in her system) and the transfusion simply replaced it,” he said.

“We needed to be quick – she only had three-quarters of an hour.”Once it (the hookworm) gets into the guts … it just bleeds the dog dry,” he said.

I guess dogs aren’t much different than a hookworm. We look to get inside our owners guts, more specifically their hearts. Once there, we’ll bleed them dry of all treats and love.

Mother nature…she’s a beautiful thing

Especially covered in cheese, ketchup and in between two buns (hey, I’ll be here all week folks!).

Well, it turns out cows can be quite menacing. Really.

I’m not just talking about those heifers defacing local billboards, but real moo moos. The kind that hang loose in open fields chewing their cud, and the creators of tournament quality cow chips.

Check out this story from This is Nottingham about rampaging bovines.

FIREFIGHTERS are warning dog walkers to avoid fields with cows in after a pensioner had to be rescued from up a tree.

The 79-year-old woman had climbed up a hawthorn in Newark and been stuck for two hours after she and her two dogs were chased by a cow and a calf.

She was rescued by firefighters at 5.15pm on Monday from the field near Hatchets Lane after dialling 999 on her mobile.

Brian Smith, watch manager for Newark Fire Station, said he only found the woman after spotting her pet Jack Russell hiding in the long grass beneath the tree, trembling.

Mr Smith said: “We normally save kids up trees but not 79-year-old ladies. I was expecting it to be a child. She said the cows had chased her.

“She did not want to shout in case she alerted the cows again.

“She must have been frightened. She was a bit shaken. She was obviously a bit embarrassed and was apologising. But she could have been killed. We are advising people to avoid fields with cows.

“If you do come across cattle, let go of the dog and the cows will chase them. Dogs will outrun a cow, unless it has arthritis like the lady’s little dog did.”

Mr Smith highlighted recent national news reports of three people being killed by stampeding cows in just four weeks.

The incidents during June and July, happened in, St Fagans outside Cardiff; Hawes, North Yorkshire and Sheldon, Derbyshire. The lady in Newark was treated for cuts to her hands which she got climbing the hawthorn.

The woman’s other dog, a golden retriever, is believed to have scared off the cows while hiding in a bush below the tree.

This story doesn’t speak well for Jack Russells. But then again, at least it wasn’t hiding in a tree.

Seriously, think about what the world would look like if canines weren’t around?

I surmise it would look like the world Mad Max thrived in; dusty, desolate and filled with savage acts of brutality. Before I get deluged with e-mails let me state that I know Max had a dog, but one that had mutated from man-made nuclear exposure. Not like the dogs you know and love today. I would like to point out that cats weren’t tough enough to make it through the apocalypse.

But let’s get back to the pre-apocalypse days of today. Dogs clean dishes, walk their owners and even take out the garbage. We’re here to help.

For another example look no further than a special dog in China who helped others less fortunate than her. Sky News has the story.

Two abandoned red panda cubs are thriving at a northern China zoo thanks to the milk and loving care of a surrogate mother dog.

The cubs, born on 25 June, were ignored by their mother after it gave birth in front of a crowd at Taiyuan Zoo in China’s Shanxi province, according to the zoo.”No one knew she was pregnant,” employee Ha Guojiang told the official Xinhua News Agency.

“Her plump body and bushy hair disguised her protruding belly until the babies were born.

“We hurriedly went about to find a wet nurse for them.”

The dog wet nurse, belonging to a farmer from a nearby suburb, was selected from two other candidates that had recently given birth.

The canine is now raising the two cubs like its own offspring, Ha added.

No word if she will get alimony payments.

There’s Lassie saving everyone in the midwest from dying in wells, and Hooch handcuffing every perp in his small city, and of course me saving my parents from a life more ordinary.

There are so many pups doing good things I could fill up the entire internet citing them all. But why tell you something you already know.

So that got me to thinking about cat heroes and whether there are any.

There’s Garfield, a dimwitted overweight cat hell bent on capturing more food, however that’s about as heroic as Sallie Struthers rolling a bum for Burger King money. Of course there’s Sylvester P. Pussycat but the only thing he ever saved was his appetite for a defenseless bird. And then you have Catwoman, but the only one I know who thinks she is a hero is the Penguin. And let’s face it, penguins aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack (have you ever seen March of Penguins?).

Normally I’d now reference a story about how a cat has miraculously saved someone or something, but unfortunately there’s nothing to cite. So, instead, I’ll let you read about yet another heroic dog licking the streets of society free of criminals. The Winnipeg Free Press has the full story.

WINNIPEG – It was a once-in-a-career night for a member of the Winnipeg police force — six arrests in four separate incidents during one overnight shift.

Shortly before midnight on Sept. 26, Const. Scott Taylor and police dog Judge, who have worked together since 2004, tracked down and arrested two suspects in a strong-arm robbery in the North End, and recovered the victim’s property.

The pair then tracked down a suspect in a domestic assault.

Later that night, suspects abandoned a stolen vehicle in The Maples and fled on foot, only to be collared by Tayor and Judge.

Finally, at 6 a.m. on Sept. 27, a man suspected of beating up another man who suffered serious injuries. The suspect took off, but Judge and Taylor found him in a nearby yard and made the arrest.

No word on whether Osama Bin Laden’s cat was caught.

I mean, what’s not to like? The camouflage? The ability to relieve themselves on a battlefield? It certainly can’t be the yummy  c-rations.

Then I realized the survey was talking about veterinarians, not veterans. That made me feel better.

Well, since I’ve stumbled upon the subject, let me just send a quick thank you for all the members of the armed forces. Without their sacrifice, the freedoms we enjoy in this country would most assuredly be replaced by the chains of totalitarianism.

I know that all dogs know this and are eager to provide support. Check out the study the Dept of Defense has on tap to figure out just how great of animals we are, courtesy of the Kansas City Star.

Can a canine companion soothe the volatile emotions of a soldier haunted by post-traumatic stress disorder?

It may sound far-fetched, but the Department of Defense wants to find out.

It is spending millions of dollars on medical research projects like this that may yield groundbreaking results but are too speculative for other government agencies to consider.

So the Defense Department is financing a $300,000 study that will pair troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan with dogs trained to sense when their masters are about to have a panic attack and give them a calming nudge or nuzzle.

These psychiatric service dogs have been assisting people with a variety of mental illnesses since the late 1990s. About 10,000 such dogs are now in use.

“Absolutely beautiful animals. Very well behaved,” said Chris Kornkven, a Persian Gulf War veteran from Helenville, Wis., who stopped to pet the dogs.

“They seemed like they would be really helpful, particularly for individuals living alone,” said Kornkven, who has PTSD. “I think (a service dog) would give them some independence.”

The dogs can serve their owners in several ways. For example, they can sense when someone with bipolar disorder is becoming manic and give an alert by barking or nuzzling. The dogs also can provide a reality check to people experiencing hallucinations; if the dog does not react to voices, it is assurance that no one else is in the room.

I know I’ve helped my old man through his hallucinations. He still thinks that he’s writing this blog. Sorry pal, these words were formed in the mind of man’s best friend, and delivered through his paws.

Humans, they’re so self-absorbed.

Photo courtesy of GARVEY SCOTT/The Kansas City Star

That’s my reaction to today’s story about a hero dog. I know it’s in my best interest to promote the heroes among the canine class, but I have to keep my integrity intact if I’m to continue to serve the faithful readers out there.

Let’s be honest, would there be anything worse than compromising my honor and then being compared to cats that shill for the local 9-lives club? I guess being part of the club would be worse, but that’s about it.

Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge of whether this story sounds fishy. Personally I’m forwarding this one on to fishy@whitehouse.gov. The Westmorland Gazette has the full story.

A PET dog came to the rescue of its owner when she became stuck in quicksand while out for a relaxing beach stroll.

On a day off from her job at the University of Cumbria, Dr Christine Smith took her beloved seven-year-old German wirehaired pointer Matilda for a walk on the beach at Arnside as a special treat.

The pair were walking close to a stream when Mrs Smith realised her feet were sinking “very, very quickly” into the flat sand, and she was unable to free herself.

And with no one around to help and her mobile phone out of battery, she began to fear the worst – until her trusty companion lent a paw.

She added: “Matilda came over. Normally she’ll come to you and jump around and then wander off, but I believe she sensed I was in trouble.

“I was sinking further in and was really struggling. I just couldn’t get the strength to get out. The pressure on my legs was unbelievable.

“In my panic, I kept falling back in, so I had to distribute my weight and let one leg go as low as it could.

“Then I leaned my body on Matilda’s back and pulled my leg as hard as I could. She was absolutely solid as a rock.”

The struggle lasted for ten to 15 minutes before Mrs Smith had both legs free.

“She is a very loyal dog. Whenever I am in the house she follows me wherever I go. She’s an absolute star.”

In other news, bored dog owner makes up story about a great escape.

I always thought I was the most prolific message leaver in all the world. No fire hydrant, tree or human leg was safe from my lemonade stream of consciousness.

Heck, the first draft of my book was written with this invisible ink. Fortunately for me, I didn’t lose anything because I had it backed up with a hefty aroma (just a friendly reminder for all of you out there to always back up your work).

Anyway, my confidence is shaken after viewing the following video.

This little guy makes my writing look like it was done with crayons. Let’s face it, he’s not short on words.

It almost makes a pup want to roll up his fire hose and put it away.