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Farm Worms Away

Some things are worth stealing, others not so much.

You have to be strategic in your pilfering. For instance, I would never expend my energy sneaking money out of my mother’s purse or the credit cards from my father’s wallet.

Instead, I’ll take stuff that gives me true enjoyment. In my youth that included teddy bears, shoes and dirty underwear. In my senior years it’s taken the form of kitty snickers, cat food and bottles of Bowser Beer.

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Cat For Dog Swap Meet

November 2 | 1 Comment

catdogkidnap.jpg“Can’t we all just get along?” I hear my father ask at the breakfast table to no one in particular.

He’s deep into a story about kidnapping, extortion and grand theft. Must be he’s reading the Wall Street Journal again, right?.

Not so, it’s the Palm Beach Post and the story involves a cat, a dog and two humans.

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Judge Gets Himself a Six Pack

October 19 | 1 Comment

Judge is the one on the rightYou ever notice how many dog heroes are out there?

There’s Lassie saving everyone in the midwest from dying in wells, and Hooch handcuffing every perp in his small city, and of course me saving my parents from a life more ordinary.

There are so many pups doing good things I could fill up the entire internet citing them all. But why tell you something you already know.

So that got me to thinking about cat heroes and whether there are any.

There’s Garfield, a dimwitted overweight cat hell bent on capturing more food, however that’s about as heroic as Sallie Struthers rolling a bum for Burger King money. Of course there’s Sylvester P. Pussycat but the only thing he ever saved was his appetite for a defenseless bird. And then you have Catwoman, but the only one I know who thinks she is a hero is the Penguin. And let’s face it, penguins aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack (have you ever seen March of Penguins?).

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Little Cute Chipmunks Scare Big Bad Cats

July 29 | 2 Comments

That little bazooka ain't gonna scare a dog...but cats are another story!Chipmunks. If you’re a regular reader of this blog you know I’m not a fan.

I guess I should clarify that point. I am not a fan but I do enjoy chasing them up trees immensely. In fact I actually caught one a few years back. You’ll be able to read all about it, and my parents’ reaction, in my upcoming book Bad to the Bone.

What you haven’t pre-ordered it yet? C’mon head on over to Amazon and pre-order. You won’t get charged until it ships plus you won’t have to worry about what to read over the holidays. C’mon, there’s only so much turkey and ham to be begged for anyway.

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Canine Nose What He Likes

June 24 | 1 Comment

Logan - The Pocket BernerI have a brother. His name is Logan and he is a Bernese Mountain Dog.

This particular breed is big in stature although Logan falls on the small side, or what I like to call a Pocket Berner. You know, because you can put him in your pocket. Granted, it needs to be big enough to carry 82 lbs.

His diminutive size is probably due to him not receiving the appropriate nutrition and care a growing pup needs. That, or his father was a midget.  Either way, he’s small.

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Mary Wanna Gets Dog High

June 12 | 1 Comment

Is the drug dog sniffing job still available?I don’t do drugs. Recreational drugs that is.

I do partake in peanut butter covered pills legally prescribed by humans who’ve spent way too much time in school and not enough time at the dog park. Yeah, I’m talking about vets.

I’ve downed my fair share of rimadyl, cosequin, glucosamine chondroiton, prednosone,  thyroid medication and antibiotics.

And of course there was the incident where I was given a human narcotic by mistake. That adventure I saved for inclusion in my memoir, if only as a cautionary tale to all dogs.

The intent of these pharmaceutical buying binges has been to make me feel better. My parents could have saved their money and just given me an Ice Pup instead. Trust me, those things will make any dog feel great!

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Dog Looks Like a Man

March 19 | 1 Comment

Nice HairThere are days (mostly gray, cloudy days), I lay on my parents bed with my father. Just me, him and the sound of silence. He spoons me and pets my head while offering me a devil’s deal.

“BoBo buddy…let’s trade places for a while. You go to work and I’ll just lay around all day.”

It’s a suckers bet since he only does this when the smell of stress emanates from his pores, or to be more exact-his armpits.

I know, and he knows, that he’s looking to run away and strap poor old me to the bomb that is his career. No thanks.

Realizing he’s on a fool’s errand, he snaps back to reality and cries himself to sleep at night. Hey, at least he’s got me. Read more

Two in the Hand, Worth One in the Cage

Cockatoo, Brutus?I consider myself a savvy haggler, especially after my parents have come home from grocery shopping. I know there are goodies in the fridge with my name on it. All it takes is a bit of patience and the knowledge that all humans are weak to get at them.

At these times, when my parents offer me a plain old dog biscuit to entice me to sit, I’ll turn and walk away. When they offer me peanuts, I’ll stand there, staring back at them with the “You gotta be kidding me” look. Only when their offer is upgraded to a hot dog will I firmly place my butt on the floor, and if they went upscale with the Nathan’s variety I’ll even offer up a paw.

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Hot Dogs for Guns

Labrador FuddSome dogs are better than others.  The same can also be said for humans, and if I take it one step further, I can even apply it to criminals.

That’s right, criminals. They’re not all evil to the core like the ones that kidnap dogs for ransom. No, there are  kinder hearted thugs raping and pillaging this great world of ours too.

But what makes a criminal, a good criminal?

Just check out this story of gun thieves in Jersey and you’ll know the answer.

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McGruff, Chuck Take It on the Chin

March 5 | 3 Comments

Mcgruff is the one on the rightThe world is coming to an end. I know it, you know it.

I’m not basing this on the financial woes of the world, although I have to admit my 401K treat jar has only half the number of Milkbones in it than it did in September. No, I’m basing my observation on the strange happenings in the world…like people beating up a mouse.

Granted it’s a big mouse, and quite finanically successful to boot, but still that’s no reason to assault it.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I hear of a crime fighting dog getting beat up too! Eye witnesses reported that this dog wore a trench coat and was above average in size too. Coincidence? I don’t know, but still, that’s no reason to pummel him with fists of fury.

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