This is the time of year where my father gets to spend 10 days fending for himself and the army of fur balls he calls his own.

Here it is less than 24 hours later and you can already sense the absence from the home. How you may ask? By simply looking at the counter tops.

Strewn about are four glasses, three peach pits, and a peanut butter laden spoon laying on the dish rag. Don’t even think that anything has been wiped down.

My mother would freak out but, in her absence, it’s all fair game.

…and that’s just the kitchen. No doubt, we’ll get to the is there any waybedrooms, the living room and the basements in future posts. Hopefully it won’t be anything like today’s story. He

The mother-of-two was greeted by the 5ft corn snake but it did not appear bothered by being put through a full cycle wash.

‘I opened the glass door at the front and I saw something. I took it be part of a pair of jeans and then I wondered if it was a toy snake that children use,’ said Mrs Foley, from Exeter,

‘But then it poked its tongue out at me. It was horrible and quite big. It was just lying there on the washing.

‘I don’t know if it had been through the complete cycle or not. I screamed and screamed – I was terrified.’

She ran out in the street to ask for help and a passer-by told her he thought it was a boa constrictor. Her ordeal got worse when she called police – and was accused of making a hoax call – while the RSPCA refused to send anyone out until the next day to collect the snake.

Mrs Foley and her two sons, aged 18 and 21, were forced to sleep in the house convinced the snake would escape from the machine.

‘I kept thinking that it would get out and also that there could be more than one in the house. I hate snakes,’ said the 51-year-old.

‘They scare me and I have absolutely no idea where this one came from.’

I can relate. When I see a snake I run the other way like a 6 week old Shi Tzu.

Hey, we all have our weaknesses.

Today happens to be one where I feel like a steel fixture painted red.

This morning my kibble was served dry, my water was warm and the grass I peed on was already wet. That, my friends, is a crap sandwich for an old veteran like me. And not the good kind of crap sandwich (kitty snickers on pumpernickel) I enjoy.

I guess it beats the night my mother had, though. She had to clean up my brother Goliath’s throw up twice last night. Yeah, twice. The old man? He just slept through it…or at least pretended to.

On the brighter side of things, at least we weren’t hiking in the Austrian mountains. Check out the story below.

An Austrian hiker has been hospitalised after being hit by a falling mountain goat and tumbling 50ft to the ground.

Walter Kaiser, 59, was rushed to emergency services in Filzmoos, Austria, but the goat remained unhurt and ran off after the incident.

Kaiser was flown to Schladming Hospital by helicopter and suffered a number of minor injuries.

He was knocked off the side of Hochkesslekopf Mountain by the plunging goat during his climb.

Walmart has falling prices. Austria has falling goats.

Even though my life is great, I always feel there’s someplace better to be. Sometimes it’s as close as the other side of the fence, other times it’s as far away as Europe.

In practical terms this means wanting to whiz on the lightpole on the corner of my street or letting loose a red, white, and blue stream of B20 on the Eiffel Tower.

It all really depends on how ambitious I feel that day.

After reading the Guardian this morning, I think I want to move to the UK. No really, I do.

A pub chain is reaching out to four-legged punters from todayby offering a free doggy menu behind two of its bars.

The Five Alls pub near Lechlade in Gloucestershire and the Catherine Wheel in Goring-on-Thames, Berkshire, aim to have their canine visitors howling with delight at their Dog’s Dinner menu, which provides a choice between dishes such as the delectable sounding Liver & Garden Veg chunks in gravy or Chicken & Beef chunks in jelly.

Owners wanting to give their pets a treat can pick from the Special Fayre menu, where Omega-3 packed salmon chunks will apparently see doggy diners leaving the pub with a “healthy coat and skin”.

The doggy menus will be on display outside the pub and behind the bar, with the idea that dog walkers will treat their pets at the same time as ordering their own pub meal. “Now dog owners can sit down to lunch happy in the knowledge their dog is enjoying their meal as much as they are,” said Caroline Coombs at Butcher’s Pet Care, the company providing the doggy meals.

If the free trial at the two Brakspear pubs is successful, the menus could be rolled out across the chain’s other dog friendly pubs, said Brakspear’s Tom Davies. “Many of our pubs are located near popular walking routes and attract customers out to enjoy the countryside with their four-legged companions,” he said.

Howard Leatherdale’s dog Chyb is – along with his owner – a regular at the Five Alls. “Chyb’s verdict? More tins please,” said Leatherdale. “It didn’t stop him staring forlornly at his empty bowl when I got him home though.”

It wouldn’t stop me from staring forlornly at my empty bowl either, but hey, what do you expect from a fat ass?

There’s an accusation from my father that his wife, my dear mother, is poisoning him.

Sadly, I agree. How else to explain his shift in attitude from watching Animal Planet every night to watching Dateline, 20/20, or 16 and Pregnant? She’s poisoned him alright, and it’s gone straight to his brain.

But that’s not the kind of poisoning he was alluding to. No, he’s complaining about being compromised by the food she feeds him.

The latest instance revolves around the pine nuts she hid in his salad. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but when they’re imported from China, you have to start asking if it’s intentional. After eating them, everything he’s  eaten has  tasted bitter…and it’s been a week!

Pepperoni Pizza? Bitter.

Key lime pie? Bitter.

His outlook on life? Bitter.

With results like that, I don’t want to take any chances of being fed by mother anymore. My only hope is for a food service like the one in the story below to make it to my neck of the woods.

The van will be serving an ice cream created exclusively for dogs – named, naturally, the K99.

It’s makers say that the dog ice cream contains ‘gammon and chicken ice cream, a traditional wafer cone and the ultimate finishing touch – a crunchy canine biscuit bone.’ Mmmm, gammon and chicken ice cream.

This mixture is supposedly the right combination of temperature, texture and taste to suit dogs, although we’re not sure exactly how this has been established.

The dog ice-cream van is scheduled to tour the UK’s parks throughout the summer, starting with the Boomerang Pets Party in Regent’s Park on July 24th (which is a party for people and pets, apparently).

I’ll take mine without the pine nut sprinkles.

Not because I look up to many dogs, cats or humans, but because of being looked up to. Yeah, that’s right, there are other living creatures who look up to the old Bo dog.

Granted, I’m a big dog in a little park, but even so, every yard break is now met with adoring looks (and quiet applause) from every chipmunk and possum especially when my escapades bring me to other neighborhoods.

Lest you think it’s because I’m a famous author, it’s not. No, my forest dwelling friends can’t even read, let alone afford the paltry 15 beans it takes to get my life story into their hands.

No, it’s really because of the way I smell.

You see, my mother’s been washing me with this oatmeal smelling shampoo that, for whatever reason, the local vermin just love. So much so that they don’t even wait for the yard break anymore and just invade the yard I live in. It’s so frequent now, I don’t even chase them anymore. I’d rather just sit back and lick myself. What can I say, I like oatmeal.

Frankly, I don’t even know where I’m going with this story so I’m just going to end it here with a story of one of my heroes…Porky Pig. The UPI has the squirrly tail.

GURNEE, Ill., July 14 (UPI) — Police in suburban Chicago say two Six Flags Great America employees visiting the park on their day off allegedly assaulted … Porky Pig.

Gurnee police said Dmytro Petrychenko, 19, and Taras Sikalchuk, 20, allegedly hit the 24-year-old woman dressed as the “Looney Tunes” character in the back and front of her head 10 to 15 times after posing for a picture with her, Chicago’s WMAQ-TV reported Wednesday.

Police said both men, who are from Waukegan, were removed from the park and issued battery citations, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported Wednesday.

The woman was taken to a first aid station, where she was treated for head and neck pains and released.

Later, the woman was a put on a spit and eaten by the amusement park attendees.

Is that ending a little grim? Eh, that’s all I got folks.

Today, I bark about Mel Gibson and his tirades against his girlfriend/mother of his child.

First off, let me go on record to say I love Mel. I think he’s a great actor, but more importantly an advocate for animals. Anybody that’s willing to take a dog along for adventures in a post apocalyptic Australia gets four paws up from me. What a warm, gentle, loving soul, eh.

Unfortunately this in no way gives him a free pass to say the things he did to the mother of his child. Did he think she was a common household cat? C’mon. Even if he did, cats don’t deserve that type of ridicule either. Now squirrels on the other hand…

It’s tough to comprehend the vitriol that passed his lips. Surely I, or you, could never get to that point, right?

Well, ask yourself if you have ever been so mad that you just barked your head off not caring about the volume, the pitch, the content? Be honest. It could have been directed at the brown clad guy driving the brown truck or the lady wearing the smart blue outfit driving a small white truck. You know the one; it’s got the steering wheel on the wrong side.

The point is you probably have gone off half hinged, and so have I. That’s no excuse for Mel.

Unfortunately for me, my parents have proof, and in order to keep TMZ from breaking this story to the world, I am going to do it on my own terms. Right here, right now.

Attached is a recording. Yes it is me. Yes it is disgusting. For this I apologize, but keep in mind I did not know I was being recorded.

Click here to listen

After listening to this again, I can’t bark I’m sorry enough to my father. But, to be fair, note how he feeds into my anger, especially towards the end. Giving affection to my sister while I’m right there!

Thank goodness for air conditioning. Whatever you do, don’t listen to those nutbags that want us to stop using it.

There are times when we do need to leave the comfy confines of our homes, and as dogs we can only hope our owners are careful to monitor our heat index when out and about in the family car. I probably shouldn’t bark this, but if it’s too hot out our owners may want to reconsider taking us. Unless they take us into the pet supermarket, the butcher’s shop or the liquor store, is there a point in even going?

Look at what happened to one poor dog when his owners forgot about him.

UPPER MACUNGIE TWP., Pa. — As we deal with these dog days of summer, pet parents are urged to take precautions.

But one local Labrador helped himself get out of a scorching situation by taking matters into his own “paws.”

Eleven-year-old Max is not just a dog. He’s like another member of Donna Gardner’s family.

Donna ran an errand and took Max with her.

When she came home a short time later, she went inside the house, forgetting Max was still in the car.

I came in and started cleaning and about an hour later I heard a horn blow, said Donna.

She went outside, but didn’t see anybody.

So, I came back in the house and I started cleaning again and the horn blew again, said Donna.

This time, Donna saw Max sitting in her driver’s seat.

I rushed over and got him out real fast and he was panting like crazy, said Donna. I brought him in the house and he just dropped to the floor.

Donna gave him water and cooled him down with cold, wet rags.

Her daughter called the vet, who tells us Max was a little weak, a little slow but otherwise okay.

I don’t know whatever made me forget he was with me, said Donna.

Max is a smart one. His owner, not so much.

Here’s the local news video:

While they spent the week at the beach taking in the sun, the water and gobs of fatty food I was relegated to camp activities where I did my best to steer clear of getting a doggie shiv to the intestines from Bruiser the Pit Bull. For what it’s worth, once I gave him my Milkbone money, the threat was notably reduced.

It still puzzles me why I’m not invited along to their annual pilgrimage to the coast. Last year my brother Logan (RIP my friend) went and this year my sister Patience was along for the ride. Is it that you need to be a damaged pup to get special one on one time? If that’s the case, I’ve had seventeen years of damage.

Of course it was caused by the same lunatics I hope to vacation with, but that’s beside the point.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan of water, but hey, I’m willing to learn. I figure if a dachshund can do it, so can I. Check out today’s story to see why I reference the breed better known as ‘hot dogs’.

A dachshund named Boniface, from Russia’s Far East, has become the first canine professional diver.

Boniface’s owner, Sergey Gorbunov, is a diver himself. He said Boniface was always very nervous when watching his owner plunging. That is why Sergey had the idea of submerging the pet in his favorite pastime.

Boniface has a custom made striped wetsuit, resembling the outfit of a famous cartoon character, the lion of the same name. The only difference in Boniface’s outfit is that his mask has a special inlet for the supply of sausage.

Having taken a special course in the swimming pool, the scuba dog has taken his first professional dive at the depth of 2 meters. However, his owner is sure Boniface is in for even greater professional achievements.

On second thought, maybe camp isn’t so bad after all.

Here’s some video goodness of Boniface in action.

Let’s face it, some days are better than others.

Take for example the day I was born. What a day! One moment I’m in total darkness, the next I’m breathing fresh air, have all the leg room I want and got more milk than a nipple should be allowed to give.

Other days, like yesterday, just suck.

You see, I was being punished for acting out. I was a bit disappointed at the US loss to Ghana in the World Cup on Saturday. I spilled some drinks, chewed on some books and ripped apart the garbage in frustration. For these small errors in judgement I was sentenced to my room for all of Sunday to ‘think’ about it.

All I thought about was what life would be like with a real family.

I wonder whether that’s the same thing that prompted a donkey named Romeo to runaway from home in the UK. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t find love, but rather the bottom of a swimming pool. The Lowestoft Journal has the story.

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo…?

Trapped in a swimming pool and being rescued by firefighters is not the line you expect next.

But this was the saga that unfolded in a quiet Norfolk village when a donkey named after the famous Shakespeare character escaped from his paddock.

Romeo’s owners spent several hours looking for the errant equine after he made a bolt for freedom early yesterday.

Tim Hirst and his partner Rachel, from Mundham, near Loddon, scoured the local fields and roads after discovering Romeo had gone missing at about 3am, but there was no sign of him.

It was not until about 9.30am that the donkey was found trapped in a swimming pool at a farm in the neighbouring village of Thwaite.

It is thought he could have been in the pool for several hours after stumbling onto the blue cover and falling through.

A rescue operation promptly got underway and three fire crews from Norwich rushed to the scene.

They freed Romeo using equipment borrowed from a farm opposite and the weary, but seemingly uninjured, donkey is now recovering at home.

Mr Hirst described Romeo, who is about 35-years-old, as a “character” and a much-loved pet.

He said: “He went missing at about 3am. The Shetland pony was making a noise and the gate was open. We went out looking for him but we couldn’t find him.

Mr Hirst said he was alerted to Romeo’s whereabouts at about 9.30am after efforts were made to trace the donkey’s owner.

“When I went up to the farm there were three or four fire engines and there were various people helping to keep Romeo’s head above water,” he said.

“The local farmer opposite came round with a teleporter and the fire brigade put straps around Romeo and lifted him out.

Jo Bassingthwaighte, who has lived at the farm for more than 50 years, said that her daughter Susan Huggins spotted the donkey in the pool while attending to the vegetable garden. “She ran in and said to phone the fire brigade quickly as we had a donkey in our pool,” she said.

I’m sure the 911 operator thought to himself, “Another prank call. What an ass!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved jumping into the front seat of his chick truck and watch the world fly by. It’s just now I prefer that over “Wanna go for a walk?”

Any questions as to why, take it up with my bones.

Anyway, I remember the early days when I’d occupy the suicide seat of his rusty, old cars. There was always something wrong with his vehicles. It ran the gamut of steering issues, oil leaks and transmission malfunctions. It was a simple equation: mechanical = trouble.

Since my father is a mechanic’s son, none of these things ever got fixed until it absolutely, positively needed to be.

Like when the old man broke down on the highway with steam coming out of the radiator. He hadn’t fixed the water leak and was plumb out of the H20 needed to keep it cool. So what does he do? He pours a bottle of champagne (which he’d received months prior from work) into the radiator to get him going again.

Too bad I couldn’t find a Congratulations On Getting Your Car Running Again card to send him.

Fortunately I wasn’t along for that ride. Or maybe it was fortunate for my father. Just read this story to find out why.

RIDGE MANOR — Searching for oil leaks underneath his pickup truck, Christopher Bishop placed his Ford F-150 in neutral and left the driver’s door open.

Unwittingly, Bishop also left himself vulnerable to his rambunctious bulldog, Tassey.

According to a Hernando County Sheriff’s Office report, Tassey hopped into the truck and jumped around in the front seat, knocking it into gear and causing it to roll over the left side of Bishop’s body.

Bishop, 43, was transported to Pasco Regional Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

According to the report, Bishop was checking his truck at his home at 4000 Burwell Road at 8 p.m. Sunday when the accident occurred.

After being run over, Bishop said he was able to get up and into the truck and stop it before it hit a fence next to his single-wide mobile home. He then placed the truck into park, shut it off and went inside the house.

But after several hours of intense pain, Bishop finally decided to call for medical attention. Asked why he waited so long to seek help, Bishop told deputies that he doesn’t like doctors.