Dead On Arrival

Enlightened FishGiven the state of the world…this story sounds about right. Read more

Thwarted Coo Attempt

November 16 | 1 Comment

I’m not a fan of pigeons. The last time I was in the city, one took the opportunity to decorate my head.

Normally I’m not against poop, heck I enjoy eating some brands, but pigeon dung really shouldn’t even be classified as such.

Regardless of my feelings for the species, there are limits to what they should have to endure. That limit should stop just short of what happened to the two birds in the following story.

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Sheep Afraid of Wolf Poster

Sheep. They’ll do anything you tell them.

I lived near a herd of sheep at one time. When I barked once; they’d turn left. When I barked twice; they’d turn right. When I barked three times; they’d run out and get me the paper.

Turns out, they’re quite obedient if you resemble a canine.

That’s why, when I read this story, I wasn’t surprised one bit.

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Fierce Cows Trap Man in River

September 17 | 2 Comments

Boo!A dog went to his psychiatrist and said, “What’s wrong with me? Tell me, why am I afraid of Santa?”

The psychiatrist said, “It’s simple, you are Claustrofobic.”

Hahaha…I just heard that joke at the local fire hydrant and thought I’d pass it along to all you pups out there. The beauty is, you can even till this joke in mixed company. You know, when humans are around.

Anyway, did you know that 98% of the things a dog fears never comes to pass? That’s according to a study by Psycho students at Bates University. They say if the 2% actually comes to pass, then that’s bad news for you. Typically this means you’ll never be allowed up on the bed, given any treats or be allowed lick your privates in public ever again.

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“Give Me the Rock” Says Elephant

September 16 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet

Expect a call from the MetsHumans throw tantrums, monkeys throw poo and elephants throw rocks.

That was my key learning for today.

First off, my mother was very unhappy with my father’s inability to clean the dishes he uses. Apparently she’s sick and tired of gathering them from his office and putting them in the dishwasher. She says if she were a dog, she’d be a working class breed. My father doesn’t say anything.

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Parrot Attacks Officer

September 15 | Hmmm...No Comments Yet

I'll have your badge for this!!Celebrity has its upside.

I don’t have first paw experience with this, yet, but if everything I read in Dog Fancy is true, I want a little piece of that action.

Did you know that most celebrity dogs get food from a can, and they don’t need to beg for it? That these ‘celebs’ rarely have to walk to their fire hydrant of choice, but are carried there in designer handbags instead? It’s even been rumored on the internets that some photogenic canines aren’t even neutered!!!

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Monkey Arrested for Spreading Love

That's a big monkey!I love The Monkees.

Many a morning I’ve woken up and howled the familiar lyrics:
“Hey, hey I’m a Monkey.
I’m always Monkeying around.
But I’m too busy howling,
To put that piece of bacon down.”

And I know, at some point in your life you’ve howled along to that song too. It’s no use denying it, the BoMonster knows all.

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Moose Tracks

That's a tall horse“Down the stretch they come!! It looks like Secretariat will win it easily…but wait…there on the outside a late charge by…Bullwinkle?…wins the race.”

Destiny. Some of us are meant to fulfill it, others are only meant to come enticingly close.

Me? I’ve fulfilled mine. You see I was destined to become a love machine. You put one Milkbone in the mouth slot and you get a single serving of love in the shape of a lick, a paw or a sniff of a crotch in return.

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Dog Days of Summer Baseball

June 8 | 3 Comments

You have any wet wipes?For the record let me state that I’m a baseball fan.

My favorite team is the New York Mets and before any haters are sic’d on me, I’ll have you know I started liking them when they sucked. Coincidentally, it is also the time that I learned a lot of swear words from my father who sat by my side watching game after game after game.

Things aren’t much better these days with two successive September folds. If losing builds character, then I feel like Rin Tin Tin right about now.

But, hey at least I still have my day job. You know as snuggler, lover and all around best friend to my bipeds.

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Every Which Way But Loose

Hmmm...a dart gun. This will do, this will do very nicely.Humans think they’re so superior. They believe no animal is capable of outsmarting them.

Really? Then how do you explain my ability to escape from the backyard whenever I want? Does a mere wooden fence deter me? Does adding pavers at its base get me to stay within its boundaries? How about the addition of chicken wire?

The answers are no, no and no.

And why is that? Because I’m freakin’ brilliant. Imagine what I could do with opposable thumbs! Read more

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