When that doesn’t work, its, “Bo Shut UP!!”

And if that doesn’t do the trick, then its a quick,  “Want a treat?” … which, by the way, always works.

I don’t know why humans are so keen on making animals be unnaturally quiet. I mean, we don’t tell them to shut their pie holes when they go on and on about their mundane lives.

Do I really care that my mother got charged $1 for the side order of special sauce she requested at dinner last night? C’mon honey, get over it and spare my ears.

But it’s her prerogative to spew her spiel, and I don’t tell her to be quiet and cook me my dinner…although I should.

If only people were more like this couple of rooster owners in upstate New York.

PARMA, N.Y., Aug. 18 (UPI) — Supporters of a New York state rooster that earned its owners a noise citation told the Town Board the bird should be exempt from noise regulations.

Ruth and David Blodgett, owners of Blackie the Rooster, and their supporters told the Parma Town Board they believe the rooster should be exempt because the code does not cover farm and agricultural operations, the Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and Chronicle reported Wednesday.

Ruth Blodgett said their property qualifies as a farm under the town code, which she said defines a farm as a property of more than 5 acres used to house animals. She said her property includes nearly 50 acres.

“The tax assessor has them taxed as a farm,” said Mary Eichas-Gavigan, a supporter who referred to herself as Blackie’s great-aunt. “If they’re not a farm, then the assessor should change it.”

Town Supervisor Pete McCann said the rooster was violating the noise ordinance under current interpretation of the law.

“The way we’ve interpreted the law at the current time, you are still in violation,” he said.

Just another example of the government’s flexibility to serve its constituents.

My bowl is empty and I’m not sure when my parents are planning to fill it up with some good old H two Oh goodness.

During times like these a dog has to take matters into his own paws. Most times I’ll hoist myself up near the cat’s water bowl and drink from it. Unfortunately today, it has cat hair in it and I find that disgusting.

The second alternative is to go outside and look for a puddle or a container with Mother Nature’s rain water in it. Sadly, it’s been drier here  than the South during prohibition.

Which leads me to my last alternative: the toilet bowl.

Some dogs will tell you they prefer drinking from it even over their own water bowl. But not me. When I drink from a commode, all I can think of is my old man’s ass hovering above it.

Alas, desperate times lead to desperate measures, and I know I’ll be forced to close my eyes, think good thoughts, and drink from the family urinal. Screams of disgust from my mother will fill the air as she realizes what I’m doing. Hey, I find it repulsive, too.

Of course we know a human wouldn’t do such thing, or would they? The JournalLive has the details.

A DESPERATE driver consumed water from a urinal in a police cell to try and dilute the level of alcohol in his body, a court heard.

Martin Newton, of Chapel Row, Seahouses, Northumberland, then made no attempt to blow into a breathalyser to try and evade detection.

Berwick Magistrates’ Court heard how Newton, 27, was pulled over when officers spotted him driving at night with no lights on the A1. The car narrowly missed the police vehicle as it passed and when Newton was stopped he appeared to be drunk.

An initial breath test, which could not be used as evidence, showed a reading of 124mg of alcohol, the legal limit is 35mg.

Newton was then taken to Berwick police station.

In a desperate act, he asked to go to the toilet, but as he was shown to the cells, slammed the door behind him, which was locked.

Officers had to go and get a key and when they opened it they found the defendant drinking water from the urinal.

Prosecutor James Long said: “This was clearly a blatant attempt to try and dilute the alcohol content in his body.” When he was shown into the room for a breath test, the bench was told Newton made no attempt to blow into the apparatus and was charged with failing to provide a specimen.

In mitigation, defence solicitor John Brown said his client had been drinking heavily due to financial strain.

Newton pleaded guilty to failing to provide a specimen of breath for analysis.

It seems this phenomenon is turning into an epidemic. Here’s another twist on fun with toilets.

For instance, there’s a stuffed animal in our house, it’s a squirrel or maybe a large rat, that my sister Mothball loves to play with. In fact she spends all of her time with it.

I could understand if the stuffing was treat filled but the only thing inside of this abomination is what my parents call”catnip”.

Once Mothball gets a hold of “Roadkill”, that’s my pet name for it, she won’t let go.

She hugs it, licks it, and cuddles it. It’s quite the public display of affection that, let’s be honest, makes everyone uncomfortable and nobody wants to see. Except my parents. but we already know they have issues.

So it did not surprise me at all when I read in The Metro this morning about a shark falling in love with one man’s arm.

Now, whenever he drops in on the 2m (7ft) predator’s tank, she shuns other divers to nibble his hair and rub against his head and body.

The unusual display had staff at the Sea Life Centre in Blackpool baffled – until they learned Mr Sutcliffe had a metal rod implanted in his arm after an accident.

‘We’re convinced magnetic particles in the pin in Martin’s arm are causing little electrical discharges that only Betty can detect and which she finds irresistible,’ said display supervisor Carey House. ‘It’s amazing to watch.’

Mr Sutcliffe (pictured) enjoys his close encounters with Betty, who has 50 rows (yes, 50) of sharp teeth and feeds on fish and crustaceans.

‘I wouldn’t have anyone take my place,’ the 33-year-old said. ‘She only nibbles, rather than bites, but her teeth are so strong it feels like hard scratching and it’s impossible to ignore.’

No doubt Mr. Sutcliffe won’t be calling this Betty ugly to her snout.

Have you ever noticed that when folks encounter someone handicapped; be it a person in a wheelchair, a bird on a set of crutches, or a dog wearing  coke bottle eyeglasses, they tend to look away. For whatever reason they feel sorry for what they perceive as someone/something that is disadvantaged.

What they fail to realize is that the object of their empathy needs no pity. For who’s to say what mission their soul is on, what lessons they are here on this earth to learn. In fact, what may appear as a handicap to one, may in fact be an advantage to another.

Don’t believe me? Then look no further than today’s story from the Metro.com.

Sheepish Cui, 38, says she would normally have killed the youngster at birth, but was so impressed by his struggle to survive she began to hand-rear him.

‘He was so determined to live he pulled himself up onto his own two feet and started drinking his mother’s milk. I couldn’t let him die,’ said Cui at her farm in Shangdong province, eastern China.

Now the baaamy young lamb – who weighed in at just 11 lbs when he was born – and Cui are inseparable.

‘He may only have two legs but he gets around very quickly and is pretty steady on his feet. He follows me everywhere and I haven’t got the heart to slaughter him.

‘After all, half my profit is missing anyway,’ she laughed.

Vets have told the farmer that the birth defect could have been a genetic throwback or the result of chemical pollution.

‘He doesn’t mind. He has such a friendly personality and I don’t think he even realises he’s disabled,’ said Cui.

So there you have a simple lesson on this glorious Monday morning from a handicapped, nay, a disturbed but gifted dog.

Next time you see me in public, be sure to make eye contact with me.

I’ll even include Mothball, the family fat cat, in on that action. Sure her great goal is just to annoy me on a daily basis, but at least she strives to be something better.

For me I’ve always wanted to do good things in law enforcement. I want to head up my own K-9 team to clean up the streets. That’s figuratively speaking, not literally, because let’s face it, no one but a human will pick up dog poop from the street.

I know I’d have achieved my dream already if I only for that damn K-9 cop entrance exam. The whole thing is in German!

Someday…someday.

In the meantime I’ll have to read about others doing great things, like a parrot in London.

Kuzya the parrot is the pet of Russian interpreter Gennadi Kurkul, who lives in the Isle of Dogs, London, and said that he’s delighted with his crime-busting pal.

‘It must have been about 4am when we heard Kuzya let out a massive scream. The noise he made must have terrified the burglars because they ran straight out of the house. You could hear it all over the Docklands’, Mr Kurkul told local newspaper The Docklands.

Despite the thieves nicking off with his wallet by reaching through a window, when they managed to open the door and enter the house, Kuzya made sure to scare them off before they could take anything else.

His owner continued: ‘He’s a fantastic bird. He follows me all round the house like a dog.

‘I don’t keep him in a cage, he just finds a spot at night where he likes to sleep and settles down there – sometimes under the stairs.

Gennadi and Kuzya, the new Batman and Robin.

This is the time of year where my father gets to spend 10 days fending for himself and the army of fur balls he calls his own.

Here it is less than 24 hours later and you can already sense the absence from the home. How you may ask? By simply looking at the counter tops.

Strewn about are four glasses, three peach pits, and a peanut butter laden spoon laying on the dish rag. Don’t even think that anything has been wiped down.

My mother would freak out but, in her absence, it’s all fair game.

…and that’s just the kitchen. No doubt, we’ll get to the is there any waybedrooms, the living room and the basements in future posts. Hopefully it won’t be anything like today’s story. He

The mother-of-two was greeted by the 5ft corn snake but it did not appear bothered by being put through a full cycle wash.

‘I opened the glass door at the front and I saw something. I took it be part of a pair of jeans and then I wondered if it was a toy snake that children use,’ said Mrs Foley, from Exeter,

‘But then it poked its tongue out at me. It was horrible and quite big. It was just lying there on the washing.

‘I don’t know if it had been through the complete cycle or not. I screamed and screamed – I was terrified.’

She ran out in the street to ask for help and a passer-by told her he thought it was a boa constrictor. Her ordeal got worse when she called police – and was accused of making a hoax call – while the RSPCA refused to send anyone out until the next day to collect the snake.

Mrs Foley and her two sons, aged 18 and 21, were forced to sleep in the house convinced the snake would escape from the machine.

‘I kept thinking that it would get out and also that there could be more than one in the house. I hate snakes,’ said the 51-year-old.

‘They scare me and I have absolutely no idea where this one came from.’

I can relate. When I see a snake I run the other way like a 6 week old Shi Tzu.

Hey, we all have our weaknesses.

Today happens to be one where I feel like a steel fixture painted red.

This morning my kibble was served dry, my water was warm and the grass I peed on was already wet. That, my friends, is a crap sandwich for an old veteran like me. And not the good kind of crap sandwich (kitty snickers on pumpernickel) I enjoy.

I guess it beats the night my mother had, though. She had to clean up my brother Goliath’s throw up twice last night. Yeah, twice. The old man? He just slept through it…or at least pretended to.

On the brighter side of things, at least we weren’t hiking in the Austrian mountains. Check out the story below.

An Austrian hiker has been hospitalised after being hit by a falling mountain goat and tumbling 50ft to the ground.

Walter Kaiser, 59, was rushed to emergency services in Filzmoos, Austria, but the goat remained unhurt and ran off after the incident.

Kaiser was flown to Schladming Hospital by helicopter and suffered a number of minor injuries.

He was knocked off the side of Hochkesslekopf Mountain by the plunging goat during his climb.

Walmart has falling prices. Austria has falling goats.

Give me the cool temperatures of a northern fall, or the sweet taste of a snowflake on my tongue any day, but apparently if you aren’t bringing cash into the household, you get no say. (C’mon, buy my book so I can relocate back north!)

Anyway, when it’s hazy, hot and humid the best thing to do is take a little dip in the local lake. I know it, my sister Copper knows it, and now a deer in Pittsburgh knows it.

Here’s the full story from WTAE in Pittsburgh.

PITTSBURGH – A deer took a dip in Pittsburgh’s Highland Reservoir No. 1 in the Highland Park neighborhood on Monday afternoon.

Rescuers sent a boat onto the water and tried to retrieve the animal, which kept frantically swimming away from them. Sky 4 flew over the reservoir and showed the rescue attempt.

“She kept going around in circles, and every time we got close to her, she kind of changed directions on us,” Mike Raba said.

The reservoir is at the head of Highland Avenue. It’s not known how the deer got in, but it was treading water for several minutes and appeared to be a strong swimmer.

“Usually, they’ll come out of the woods. They’ll think it’s a field. And once they jump over the railing, they realize it’s water,” Jimmy Filipiak said.

The two men in the boat weren’t trained to work with animals. They just happened to be the closest available ones who were not on a specific assignment at the time.

“All we wanted to try to do was get in front of her. That way, if we keep her in front of us, she don’t see what’s behind her,” Filipiak said.

After about 20 minutes on the water, they were able to lasso the deer and drag it with them as they drove back to the reservoir steps, where an Animal Control truck was parked and people were waiting to pull the deer out.

“Once I got the lasso on her, I didn’t want to choke her, so we grabbed her by her ear to keep the cable off her throat,” Filipiak said.

The deer was then taken to a tree-lined area and set free into the woods near the reservoir.

By that time, people had gathered along the sidewalk that rings the reservoir. They yelled words of encouragement for the deer and the city workers as they watched the unusual goings-on.

“It was kind of unique. I never expected to see a deer in there,” witness Edward Lyons said.

So what was the deer doing in the reservoir in the first place? Why, the backstroke of course!

Video goodness at the link.

You say…a human? Surely you jest.

A cat? Definitely not!

A sloth? Close, but the winner is . . .

A parrot!!

From all that I see, hear and read parrots are brilliant creatures. They live long, never work and they get a perch to sit on while mocking their owners.It’s like getting into the right field bleachers at Wrigley for free!

The smart ones have even trained their owners to give them good treats. Take for instance Reggie, who flew the coop until he got what he wanted.

The Daily Mail Online has his story.

An escaped parrot with a penchant for alcohol and crisps was lured back home with a glass of red wine and a bowl of Pringles.

Reggie was missing for more than 24 hours before owner Hubbell Walker came up with the plan to tempt him back by putting the treats on the windowsill.

And sure enough, as soon as the green-cheeked parrot spotted the feast he flew back to the house in Brockley, south east London.
Reggie the parrot was lured back home with a glass of his favourite red wine and a bowl of Pringles crisps

Reggie the parrot was lured back home with a glass of his favourite red wine and a bowl of Pringles crisps

Mr Walker, 27, said: ‘I was devastated when I found out Reggie was gone – you can get quite attached to a pet parrot.

‘He loves eating Pringles and drinking red wine – he’s quite an unhealthy parrot really.’

He added: ‘I don’t know where he got the taste for it, but if there is any alcohol around he’s there in a flash.

‘It’s such a relief to have him home.’

Not to be a wine snob, but everyone knows you drink white wine with Pringles.