My mom cut all my hair yesterday… ALL… except where you know.   But, I look like a teen now and don’t feel the respect from the other dogs I meet in the street … I feel naked and it stresses me… what can I do ??

Pop

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Dear Pop,

It’s best if you can find a dark, quiet room without windows, and stay there until your hair grows back. If you don’t have such a room, then make sure to close all window shades so the other dogs in the neighborhood don’t see you like this.

If it’s impossible for you to stay inside, do not, I repeat, do not walk outside unless you are covered up. If you don’t heed this warning, you will be ridiculed by every dog you know…even the ones you think are your friends.

What your mother did to you is heinous but nobody ever said life is fair.  Just make sure to keep your internet connection up and let me know how it’s going. Needless to say, turn the web-cam off for now.

Good luck,

-bo

There may be no such thing as a “cat person” or a “dog person” after all.

A new study by Ball State University has found that matching yourself with a pet suited to your personality may be more important than whether that pet is a cat or dog.

Let me clear this up. There is a big difference between a cat person and a dog person with the biggest being cat people are narcissistic and smell funny.

The study of 266 pet owners found that a majority of cat owners see themselves as having cat-like personality traits, such as being independent and being at the center of attention, while most dog owners believe they have the characteristics of canines, such as being friendly and social.

I have a different theory. Owners are just like clay, ready to be molded into what their pets want them to be. Even cats have this transformational ability. Take for instance my old man. When we go on a walk he’d prefer to ignore the world all the while asking me, “Wanna go poopie?” How humiliating is that? It’s me that broke him out of his shell by introducting him to other dogs and humans. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great wingman, but you certainly wouldn’t have wanted him leading your pack if fun is what you were after. Today, thanks to me, he’s an extrovert based on the Briggs-Meyers personality test.

Woodward offers advice for those looking for a cat or dog:

“… ‘cat people’ should seek independent pets that are also low on submissiveness while ‘dog people’ should seek pets high on friendliness and low on dominance,” she said.

I guess my parents got lucky on the friendliness front, but not so much on the dominance part. In fact I have to go upstairs now and untie my father from his chair. Hey, somebody has to be the alpha dog in this family.

For my sister Copper, my new brother Logan and me holiday means spending quality time holed up in a large cage at our veterinarians. So while my parents eat, drink and dance the night away, I get to smell Copper’s anal vapor and watch Logan submissively pee over half the cage. If that doesn’t sound like much of a holiday, you’re right.

That’s why it’s good to be back at the keyboard bringing you the latest and greatest animal related news. So let’s get it going with an animal attacking a human.

A Wal-Mart shopper looking for a deal in the garden department found more than he bargained for when he startled a poisonous pygmy rattlesnake hiding in some plants.

The foot-long rattler jumped out and bit him, striking his right hand in between his thumb and index finger.

”[The bite] wouldn’t have been been fatal with an adult male. But you could lose a finger,” said Capt. Ernie Jillson, an officer with the antivenin unit.

I guess in this Wal-Mart you don’t have to watch out for falling prices but rather falling fingers, as in falling off your hand.

Pygmy rattlesnakes grow to be between 18 and 24 inches long and have a small rattle: ”It sounds like a bee buzzing so there’s not a lot of warning,” Jillson said.

Why are they hating on the pygmies? Don’t they think midget rattlesnakes know their rattle doesn’t measure up to a regular sized rattler?  Why not say something positive about them…like…uhm…like you can fit a lot of them in a clown car or uhm…it’s not the size of the rattle but how you use it?

”People need to look before you touch,” [Officer] Jillson said.

Because you know, everyone should expect to encounter a rattler at Wal-Mart.

UPDATE:

This wasn’t part of my original posting but in looking for some background information I found this link!

The story goes back to 2007 when seven shopper were bitten by pygmy rattlers!! Seven! Holy heck I’m going to have my old man go shopping there tomorrow. One quick bite and he’s going to earn a six figure settlement from Sam Walton and family.  Oh yeah, after that it’s going to be Heaven Scent pizza every night.

APALACHICOLA, Fla. (CBS) - A Florida Fish and Wildlife biologist pulled off a daring rescue Saturday in the Panhandle: He rescued a bear with his bare hands.

Officials say a 375-pound male black bear was seen roaming a residential neighborhood near Alligator Point, a neighborhood of about 100 homes on a small peninsula about 40 miles south of Tallahassee.

The bear was hit with a tranquilizer dart, but he managed to bolt into the Gulf of Mexico before he was sedated.

Not being smarter than the average bear, this biologist followed him into the water.

 ”I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I jumped in,” said biologist Adam Warwick, who saw the bear struggling in the warm Gulf waters after it had been hit with a tranquilizer dart. “It was a spur of the moment decision,” he said. “I had a lot of adrenaline pumping when I saw the bear in the water.”

That’s funny, because last night I had a lot of adrenaline pumping when I saw a bear claw next to a glass of water. Maybe I have hero tendencies too.

“I was in the water swimming toward the bear, trying to prevent him from swimming into deeper water,” Warwick said. “He was now losing function (an effect of the drugs) in his arms and legs, and was obviously in distress.”

Warwick kept one arm underneath the bear and the other gripping the scruff of its neck to keep the bear’s head above water. Warwick said he walked barefoot over concrete blocks crusted with barnacles in the 4-foot-deep water as he tried to guide and use the water to help float the bear back to shore.

Once he got the bear to shore, a bystander with a backhoe arrived and helped load the animal into the bucket and then into a FWC truck.

How convenient that a bystander, with a backhoe, just happened to be there.

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

The opening line certainly sounds inviting but please, tell me more about what this killing machine can do.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

•  insects
•  other trained attack kittens
•  babies
•  toilet paper
•  anything under a blanket
•  unwanted house guests
•  paper bags
•  floor rugs
•  Chuck Norris
•  Feet

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you’ll figure that out really fast.

Unlike most cats I know, this one seems to be self reliant. In fact I’d offer to have it join the canine team if it wasn’t for the claws. I don’t have to tell you, one nasty scratch across the money maker I call my snout and my treat getting career is done for.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens… please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

Surprisingly, no takers so far.

Humans are thoughtless and cruel. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but did you know their thoughtlessness goes back many, many years? Check out this invention by some innovator type from back in the thirties. I like how this article from the June, 1936 issue of Popular Mechanics starts out…

When you take your dog along for a ride, but prefer not having it inside the car…

Canines are so lovable, who wouldn’t want to have them inside the car? Unless, of course, it’s a dog like my sister Copper with her gas issues. The other night, she smoked my father out of the bedroom and onto the couch. She’s potent, and if left inside a car, a potential killer. This sad sack invention takes care of that issue.

The bottom of the sack is clamped to the running board and the top is fastened to the lower part of an open window with hooks, covered with small rubber tubing to prevent marring the car.

It’s nice to see they designed this contraption to prevent any damage to the car. Really, I’m amazed this invention didn’t take off. Maybe I’ll resurrect it, throw in a pair of doggles, and become the rich and famous dog I’ve always wanted to be.

Or maybe I’ll just go take a nap instead. Yeah, a nap. That sounds good. Night, night.

Maybe the inventor of this should have done the same.

This year was the 3rd Annual Loews Coronado Bay Resort Surf Dog Competition at Imperial Beach in California.

These canines bring a whole new meaning to the term sea dog.

In cool shades, t-shirts and Hawaiian shirts these mutts know how to ride on the crest of a wave.

Despite some ruff conditions about 60 brave four-legged competitors took part in America’s largest surfing competition for dogs.

If you consider standing still on a board, getting wild applause for doing it and receiving treats in the end ruff conditions, then yeah, I guess the conditions were kind of tough out there.

And with a chance of wining a holiday on the San Diego resort all the creatures great and small took part with dogged determination.

The first place winner of each heat receives a slew of prizes, including a getaway at Loews Coronado Bay Resort and a feature in Modern Dog Magazine. Most importantly however, surf dog champions will enjoy a year of bragging rights that comes with being a champion.

Vegas odds had Mutthew McConaghey, the shirtless, six pack wearing defending champion as a two to one favorite.

Here’s the video from last year’s competition:

My parents think they feed me a lot but I disagree. For me it is not really the quality of the food as it is the quantity. I like food and I am not shy about admitting it. I qualify food as anything that can fit into my mouth. I am especially fond of lizards, bugs (of all kinds), sticks, tree bark off the tree, anything shiny, dog food, small objects, flowers, dirt, Murphy treats, anything that people eat no matter how old, the occasional frog or toad and I think those squirrels I chase would be really, really good too if I could just catch one.

I am in great shape but I am 27 years old and in the prime of my life and I like food and binge eating. I hear my parents say I have a bottomless pit as a stomach but I know they eat 3 or 4 times a day, they try to hide it but I know.

So how come they get to eat so much and I can’t, hypocrites. Also I am not saying I have a problem with my food choices, but do you think there is a problem with my food choices?

Your friend,

Murphy

PS: Have you seen the Bud Light commercial where the dog can talk to his Dad and keeps asking for sausages but does not get any? That’s how I feel, that guy should really give that poor dog the sausages.

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Dear Murphy,

I’m not sure where you live, but if it isn’t in the southeast, you’re missing out.  You see, folks around here have the same eating philosophy as you. It’s not quality, but quantity. Take for instance the local Golden Corral. You know, it’s a chain restaurant with an all you can eat buffet. A guy died of salmonella poisoning at our local establishment, but two days later there was a line out the door. The people weren’t waiting in line to pay their respects to the dead man. No, they were waiting in line for a table.

But I digress. Let’s tackle your last question first…your food choices, are they poor? Dog to dog I have to say the answer is no. I base this on my own research that found if it moves, it’s edible; if it doesn’t move, it’s probably edible too.

As you know, your owners think otherwise, but they have to understand that your behavior is not Abby Normal at all.  That said, I do have to admit that they are better versed in determining what we should be ingesting into our bodies than we do. I know, it’s crazy but that’s the way the big guy in the sky set it up.

So here’s a couple of techniques they may try on you to get you to stop eating stuff your not supposed to. The first is to keep small and/or potentially edible things out of your reach. This is applied inside the home. You’ll note that if this technique is utilized, the home will appear a lot cleaner than you are used to.

However, once you’re outdoors they lose total control of your eating environment. That’s when the may employ the “Drop It” technique. Every time you pick something up that you think would fit better in your stomach, they will yell “Drop It” and make a loud clapping sound. After a while, this gets so annoying you end up dropping whatever it is in your mouth, be it a stick or heaven forbid, the local tom cat. This technique may then be employed inside the house as well, where it’s doubly annoying.

As for regular food, that’s fair game.  If your owners are freely giving you stuff, then take it. As long as you keep your sleek figure, and the ladies still love you, there’s no reason to stop. Word of warning: if anyone ever refers to you as ‘fat ass’ then you will need to rethink your calorie intake strategy.

Hope that helps.

Your friend,

-Bo

P.S. I have seen the sausage commercial and find it mean spirited. I have written a letter stating the same to Budweiser. I await their response.

In an era of McNuggets and McChicken sandwiches, this bird brings new meaning to the term “fast food.”

A brown hen has taken up residence outside a McDonald’s in Temecula and, try as they might, neither the employees nor the customers can catch her.

That’s like a dog hanging out in front of a Chinese restaurant in Peking. Sure everything seems OK, until they catch you. Next thing you know, you’re the number 12, extra spicy, on the menu.

It has been almost four months since the chicken arrived and she appears to have settled in for the long roost, frequently blocking lunch-hour traffic in the drive-through.

“We’ve run after her so many times,” said the restaurant manager, Chona Cauley. “We were running after her like crazy. That is a fast chicken.”

When anyone tries to get close to the hen to grab her, Cauley said, she flies over the tall, vine-covered fence that backs up to the freeway or into a large oleander bush by the dumpster.

Outsmarted by a chicken. I guess what I’ve been hearing is true, man’s reign on earth is nearing its end.

Animal-control officers have come out several times to catch “the McDonald’s chicken,” but when they arrive the bird is nowhere to be seen, said Monique Middleton, animal-control supervisor.

I suspect the chicken has a tipster inside the animal control office. I know I would.

Some customers have taken a liking to the hen. Cauley said someone put up a sign near the menu urging drivers to look out for the chicken. Scattered chicken feed has appeared in the patch of grass near the window. Others let the bird nibble on fries.Then again, what more would a chicken want, Cauley said.

The chicken wants what everybody wants. A coop with a two car garage, 2 and 1/2 chicks to care for and a 780 credit score.

The McDonald’s crew does not know where the chicken came from…

Uhhmm…it came from an egg.